There's Most Certainly A Doctor In The House

Alright, fuck it. We'll do one more pre-sunrise. Fuck it. We'll do it live! Whatley has sent me his grievances sans html which is fantastic because this is pretty much the last cat you want attempting to code html...ot attempting to hit my curve ball. On the bright side, at least the Lions look good this year.

Wow. You know, I have been waiting for this time of year since last year, when I was so consumed by my daily life of sex and awesomeness that I completely forgot to air my grievances the first chance that I had to do so. So here I am, a regular, oblivious, non-political, Detroit Lions loving schmo, welcoming the opportunity to throw my stuff around a little in the hopes of clearing my mind, that cesspool of useless shit that it is. You've seen me on here, not contributing anything of value other than fucking up italics and taking a beating from Vandelay for not being able to take his "nasty" wiffle ball curve to the right field flower garden.

So, here's to not sucking.

Now, how does this work? Oh yeah...

People that feel the need to place street signs to name your driveways. Fuckers. You do understand that I live north of the 43rd parallel, right? Which means that once November hits, it gets dark around lunch time? And that I drive around looking for streets in neighborhoods that I am not too familiar with, eh? No, I'm not your acne encrusted pizza delivery guy, nor am I a Jehovah's Witness, but in my line of business, I have to visit with the average American during, in some cases, non-business hours. And all the time, I run into people that are so self absorbed and proud of their little piece of dirt in the country that they have to name their driveways after their last name. "Johnson Lane" or "Dickholekowski Drive"...all intermingled between ligitmate, Google Map listed streets, like Magnolia Lane or Division Avenue. You trick me with your green signs, your reflector letters on said sign and your pompous, self indulgent crappy need to name a gravel strip of driveway leading to a falling apart lean-to you call a garage, making me slow down like a retard in three feet of snow, all the while driving motorists behind me fucking bonkers because I slow down, cuss like a sailor and speed back up...slow down..."oohh..this is it...FUCK Turdsmaa Street?" Bah! You are the people that probably name your furniture, so eat my ass.

Christian Conservatives and their need to procreate. I live in the most Religious, Right Wing county north of Hillbillyville...in Michigan. And I swear to Holy Hell that there are a few things these people do that very few normal folk do. You see, when I need to be entertained, I'll flip the switch to my trusty Sony 19" DVD/VCR combo Television and watch some shit. The people around here, well, the TV is evil, so apparently to pass the time, they fuck. Missionary style, I presume. All of these families around here have at least four kids, no more than a year apart, and quite frankly, those kids are whiny suck ass pussies. It's like the Aryan Race breeding zone...blond hair, blue eyes...all of 'em. I see them all the time at my kids school. There is a third grader, a second grader, a first grader and a toddler. I guess one of the spermies didn't take, hence the gap. And they are obnoxious, Lord preaching, "we don't let our kids eat candy or watch that evil TV because the Devil might enter their heads". As opposed to your clueless husband entering your cavernous clam when he gets bored and dumping a load of baby batter hoping to knock you up again? Please. Entertain yourselves in a way that will not irritate me nor turn you into a crazy fucking Susan Smith psycho. Let us Ayyyyy...

The Associated Press...and Yahoo! News. We get that Barack Obama is the first black President. We get that he is facing some serious piles of smelly rectal discharge in the first little bit when he in office. We get everything. So please. Stop plugging up my home page every single day with Obama this and Obama that. "Obama drops his first Topeka Stink Pickle in the LBJ bathroom while reading Vibe, and it had a hint of corn in it" is what I am expecting next as a headline next. Shit. Let him do is job, for Quagmire sake, and let us get to more important issues of the day, like...

Tough guy Division II or Division I-AA football schools. Yeah. I am talking to you Appalachian State and Grand Valley State Universities. For a decade now, you guys have been at the top of the heap in football, beating the piss out of your smaller, less athletic counterparts. In some cases, you have proven yourselves against the high and mighty this nation has to offer football wise (Michigan, anyone?) Every year, you run the table, win it all, sit back like fat cats and act like the shit. In reality, you suck. Why? You have no desire to challenge yourself at a higher level. You guys are like the biggest eight grader in the county, only you never graduate to the ninth grade, allowing yourselves to play lesser competition and have everyone on the small side of a minnow lick your assholes. Man up, tough guys! Grand Valley, shit. You have over 22,000 students, which is more than Vanderbilt, more than Northwestern, more than a few D-1 schools, but you puss out every year. It sure must be nice beating Montana Technical Institute for the Blind every year for that D-II National Championship. Come on. Challenge yourself. Otherwise, you are nothing more than a little brother of a big kid picking on a kindergartner for his Lick a Stick. You might win, but you're still a loser.

Britney Spears. Keep 'em coming toots. Watching you and your career is like TiVo-ing a train colliding with a car. I get to see the carnage all over again and again. And that amuses me. You suck.

I think that is is for now. A little off the board, sure. But, I dare to be different I guess. Plus, I'm drunk. I mean, I've had 27 Miller Genuine Draft "64", so that, like equals, I dont know...six regular beers? Anyway, if anyone has an issue with my Grievances, well, they don't count because of my BAC. Unless you agree with me.

Happy Festivus, everyone! I got my money on Klompus taking down Newman in the Feats of Strength. Over/Under at three minutes. Peace.

Comments

[April]

I was going to include the people who like Britney Spears in my grievance because she's a talentless hag. Listening to her sing is like fingernails to a chalkboard. It's all whiny and nasaly. I mean sure she was smoking hot once...before she got all shave my head and drive with my kid on my lap psycho. Now? Now she's just dried up like last months cum stains.

[Assman]

People put street signs on their driveways?

Wait, I mean...

White people put street signs on their driveways? Wow.

[Mr. Kruger]

You've seen me on here, not contributing anything of value other than fucking up italics

Whatley, I've always been really impressed by that- don't stop.

The Associated Press....

Mad props dude. The AP has got to be the crappiest asswipe rag next to the Projo.

[Jason]

Now she's just dried up like last months cum stains.

Pure gold.