I got a hatchet all sharpened and ready to go. It's meat-and-potatoes stuff this year. On the receiving end: Gays, Celebrities, and Jews. There it is. On the table. Oh, and I’m gonna pull an Assman and break mine into 3 parts. It’s been that kind of year.
Seems recently there’s been an uptick in the news regarding vampires and pirates. Twilight opened to much hype at the box office – unbeknownst to me it had an Obama Youth-like cult following. HBO had its highly successful True Blood. Meanwhile, pirates have become a problem in the waters off the coast of Africa. Yes, actual pirates. Not your yo-ho-ho-and-a-bottle-of-rum, stick-your-hog-in-Johnny Depp -type pirate. These are Boston whalers full of bookala-bookala-praise-Allah-stick-your-hog-in-a-camel-type pirates. How do these dudes manage to take down a cruise or cargo ship? Don’t any of these ships have, I dunno, radar? Or at least an ex-Navy Seal cook and a Morris Chestnut to handle it? How hard is it to have a jet scrambled before the pirates make it back to port?
But back to Vampirefest. Just a recap: vampires are gay. Exception being From Dusk Till Dawn. Otherwise, gay. And Twilight has taken vampires to a new level of “gayosity.” These are teenage vampires – think Harry Potter meets The Lost Boys meets High School Musical. Further proof that society wants most boys to grow up to be David Bowie. And these Twilight vampires aren’t like Hall & Oates gay. They’re like Josh Groban gay. They’re all mysterious and dark and suave and all those things that describe someone that refuses to come out of the closet. Then there’s True Blood. Vampires in the rural South. Sounds like fun on the surface. But HBO being HBO, there’s an agenda behind it. True Blood leaves little to interpret in its satire – their vampires are gays looking for acceptance in heavily Christian regions aka “Real America.” The season finale even did a Prop 80 knock-off in which a law was passed allowing vampires to marry ordinary humans.
Look, Keith Olbermann notwithstanding, the Prop 80 vote is bullshit. We know this. I got no problem with people getting their gay on. Have all the slanket parties you want to. Go see the Indigo Girls/Dave Matthews double bill. Buy "Daddy's Roomate" in paperback. Get a Scottish Terrier and name it after a show tune. Get married, get some frozen sperm, adopt – go to it. The whole nine. But cut the cultural warfare shit. The “Call in Gay” campaign was almost as Georgiarded as the “Day Without Mexicans” protest. By the way, how’d it work out for you? Oh, it didn’t. Nobody gave a shit. Well there you have it. So stick that in your---uh, nevermind.
Pulling an Assman is actually berating a commenter with a separate post. This is a bold move though. I like it! It's really the only way to take him down.
Posted by: Vandelay | December 19, 2008 at 09:54 AM
I love that I get to only be the second most pretentious griever in Festivus history.
Also, the kid in that Twilight movie looks and talks like a young Chris Walken. If he was gay.
Posted by: Assman | December 19, 2008 at 10:00 AM
Just a recap: vampires are gay. Exception being From Dusk Till Dawn.
Dude, Blade. Blade kicks ass! C'mon! Loved that part FDTD when they set those dudes on fire in the liquor store.
Posted by: Mr. Kruger | December 19, 2008 at 11:14 AM
Blade? Yeah, that doesn't sound gay or anything.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | December 19, 2008 at 12:51 PM
Has anyone ever noticed that Billy Ray wears eyeliner?
Posted by: Vandelay | December 19, 2008 at 11:40 PM