I don't want anyone to get too caught up on the parameters regarding this year's FoS so I'm going to define it in a bit of a vague manner. What we're basically looking for is the most absurd/irrational/stupid thing you've ever done to try put yourself in a position to engage in physical contact with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex for our gay friends really). The extent of the contact doesn't matter nor does it matter that you were even successful. We're strictly focusing on the methodology here. This may not seem like a feat of "strength" per se, but you know me...I'm all about the self-deprecation. Most of you know how this works. The best story pins me thereby ending Festivus.
The year was 1987 and a 15 year old Vandelay was going to attend a party at a girl's house from high school. Myself and a few others managed to get the pass to sleep over and I decided that I liked the girl who was having the party so this was the night I'd make my move. She was dating a friend of mine but this wasn't really that big of a deal. Me and my friends basically just dated the same clique of girls throughout high school interchangeably. If you could steal someone's girlfriend, it was basically like, "Ahhh you got me." He actually got me back a year or so later.
Now at the time, for whatever reason I was listening to a tape of my mother's and there was a song on it that for some reason not only did I connect to, but I pretty much became obsessed with. The song was called "We've Got Tonight" and the lyric inexplicably spoke to me even though I never experienced it...I felt like I had to. Just liking the song wasn't enough...I had to LIVE it.
I know its late, I know you're weary
I know your plans don't include me
Still here we are, both of us lonely
Longing for shelter from all that we see
Why should we worry, no one will care girl
Look at the stars now, so far away...
We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow?
We've got tonight babe
Why don't we stay?
So yeah, all of a sudden I had an opportunity and no way in hell I was passing it up. Her plans didn't include me (to her knowledge), it had to be late, she had to be weary. I could do this. It wasn't even enough though that I live it out and keep it to myself. No...I decided to pack the tape recorder in my bag, get her alone after my friend left, whip out the tape recorder, play the song, and sing it to her. That's all I'd have to do.
Now before we move on, you should know that this wasn't the "almost not totally gay" version of the song by Bob Seger. This was actually a cover performed by Kenny Rogers and Scottish minx, Sheena Easton from Kenny Rogers' greatest hits album. Sheena was one fine looking woman, but that didn't really make this any less gay.
Anyway, long story short...I go to the party, get her alone late at night, whip out the tape recorder, sing the song to her (just Kenny's part...ideally she would have picked it up and sang Sheena's but no such luck). Inexplicably, she found this charming and it led to like 3 hours of hot 15 year old make-out over the shirt boobie action. Go figure. Even knowing that, I'd love to be able to go back in time to that very moment and punch myself in the face.
Sheena owned that joint. I have no idea why they're siting in a swimming pool with no water though.
"I'd love to be able to go back in time to that very moment and punch myself in the face."
Get in line.
Posted by: The Sybian | December 19, 2008 at 09:16 PM
That would certainly be an easier way to end Festivus. I purposely didn't use "gayest" thing you've ever done to hook up because this would be tough to beat.
Posted by: Vandelay | December 19, 2008 at 11:09 PM
The Year was 2005. 2 years out of high school, single and sad. A girl I had been attracted to for awhile was attending college in virginia. I was in Texas. We spoke infrequently, and weren't even really that close. One night on instant messenger, she mentioned that her birthday was in 2 days, and was sad that nobody from back home was going to be there.
I drive from San Marcos Texas to Richmond virginia in the middle of the night, blow off a final, and show up at her door, hand her a thing of roses. Stay for 2 hours, then drive back to texas in time to not miss a test I had friday. Most expensive bouquet of roses ever. I came nowhere near closing the deal.
Posted by: TexansTragedy | December 20, 2008 at 12:04 PM
First of all, I loved Bob Seger when I was 15, I mean man, I even threw an stuffed bull I won at the EX on stage with school girl messages on it. I had it bad.
By the time I was half way past my 18th birthday I was no longer a virgin. The boy I gave myself away to, kind of on a whim bolstered by substances of courage, was to come for dinner for what I hoped to be better seconds.
It was a warm summer night, the mother was away and I had the house to myself. I set up the hide-a-bed in the den, cuz I didn't feel like cleaning my room. And I made my best dinner, roast chicken and all the fixings. He never showed. I called him, and he said he was on his way. I waited; I ate, I went to bed in my own messy room.
Sometime not too much later the smell of pipe smoke woke me up.The bastard broke into our house. I looked and there he was standing at the door of my messy room. He climbed into bed beside me, but I wouldn't give him any.
In the morning his first comment was on the state of my private quarters. He didn't get any then either. I let him eat cereal and then sent him on his way.
That was the end of that one. The first time may have been an inebriated charm, the second not so much.
Posted by: Tia | December 20, 2008 at 02:41 PM
"Sometime not too much later the smell of pipe smoke woke me up."
Pipe smoke? How old was this dude, like 50? Was he a professor or a sleuth of some sort?
Posted by: Jack Klompus | December 21, 2008 at 09:12 AM
Was he a professor or a sleuth of some sort?
Oh shit...that's funny.
Okay, we apparently have more smooth operators than I'd have thought that read this blog but it wouldn't have mattered if we had 45 entries. I was pinned the moment that TT put the keys in the ignition. That must have been the most uncomfortable 2 hours of this broad's life. Dude...WTF? This girl better have looked like Pam Anderson in her prime. (See...I don't hate Canada)
Posted by: Vandelay | December 21, 2008 at 10:41 AM
When I was 16 I worked at Dunkin Donuts (my first job) and I *really* had a thing for this older (maybe 21 y/o) guy who worked at a little restaurant next door named Jeff. He was one of the cooks. He had dark brown hair and crystal clear blue eyes and this oh-so-appealing-to-a-teen-mysterious look to him. Anyway, when I worked alone during the week I would sit sorta hanging out the drive-thru window and smoke cigarettes. Jeff would come outside to smoke (both cigs and weed) sometimes and I'd always excitedly start a conversation with him. He had told me that his birthday was coming up and that he was having a party at his place.
I wanted to hang out with this guy so bad. So I (the goodie-goodie honor student) asked around and scored a quarter bag of weed. The day before his birthday I had caught him outside of his work and as his present I gave him the bag of weed and a dozen doughnuts. Cause, you know, weed equals munchies and doughnuts would help with that.
He smiled and said, "Thank you."
THAT WAS IT! I did NOT get an invitation to his party. I did not get a hug, a kiss, or an I love you. He didn't rip my pants down, bend me over, and bang the shit out of me from behind. No no! He just took his shit and went back inside after giving me a measly thank you. I was so pissed and embarrassed.
Posted by: April | December 21, 2008 at 03:49 PM
Natural blonde, dd, legs to there or here depending or you orientation .(Leaving height and eye colour to your imagination)
Makin' assumptions on the kind of pipe.
Actually, it was odd, absurd, though I'm sure I avoided guys for a while after. Hey it's not like I was in love with the guy.
April: What a little weeeeeener.
And Canada doesn't hate any of you, but Vandelay we like you, best scarecrow of them all... My look at the rare birds you attract.
Posted by: Tia | December 21, 2008 at 10:13 PM
Look... this Texas cat drove a couple thousand miles to VCU or something to exhibit the kind of behavior that looks cool in romantic comedies, but more than likely would just get you a restraining order in real life. This thread is dunzo.
Posted by: Assman | December 22, 2008 at 08:51 AM
"this Texas cat drove a couple thousand miles to VCU or something to exhibit the kind of behavior that looks cool in romantic comedies, but more than likely would just get you a restraining order in real life. This thread is dunzo."
Agreed. Apparently a man, he described himself as "sad." That's about when the fork was stuck in.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | December 22, 2008 at 10:02 AM
Hampton University...not even a good virginia school.
Posted by: TexansTragedy | December 22, 2008 at 11:36 AM
"Hampton University...not even a good virginia school."
Rick Mahorn would disagree.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | December 22, 2008 at 11:49 AM
Hampton University...not even a good virginia school.
And even further east than Richmond. Adding to the sadness, man. I know guys that wouldn't have even driven there from DC for a girl.
Posted by: Assman | December 22, 2008 at 01:00 PM
"I know guys that wouldn't have even driven there from DC for a girl."
Why would they, what with all the ho's in Northern Virginia working the Donut shops, giving away free weed for sex.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | December 22, 2008 at 01:13 PM
"Pipe smoke"
Back in the day, we used K-Y Jelly, and had no problems.
Posted by: hdo45331 | December 22, 2008 at 01:19 PM
Why would they, what with all the ho's in Northern Virginia working the Donut shops, giving away free weed for sex.
That happened in Florida, not Virginia.
Posted by: Assman | December 22, 2008 at 01:59 PM
"Why would they, what with all the ho's in Northern Virginia working the Donut shops, giving away free weed for sex."
Why do I gotta be a ho, Klompus? I said I wanted to hang out with him, at the most make out with him, not fuck him. I was 16 for goodness sake! Sure there are a lot of 16 y/o sluts today, but 14 years ago being a slut at 16 wasn't such a good idea. I thought I was a rebel then by smoking cigarettes and buying a bag of weed. And when I wrote, "He didn't rip my pants down, bend me over, and bang the shit out of me from behind" I was completely joking. Just as I was when I wrote that he didn't say I love you. I didn't expect him to fall in love or fuck me because I bought him weed. I thought he'd think I was cool and ask me to go to his party. I wanted to go to the party and hang out with the guy and his friends. Feel cool because I was with the older crowd, sorta thing. Ya know?
You didn't need to be mean. I'm sensitive, man.
Posted by: April | December 22, 2008 at 02:13 PM
"I was 16 for goodness sake!"
Therefore, Jeff probably figured statutory rape and serving alcohol to a minor weren't worth risking over a quarter of shwag. Either that or he didn't dig broads (because he was a vampire).
Posted by: Jack Klompus | December 22, 2008 at 03:19 PM
He was a stoned, homosexual vampire with morals. THAT makes so much more sense to me!
Posted by: April | December 22, 2008 at 04:07 PM
What in the world is going on here? Love the Kenny Roger and Sheena Easton story! LOL AWE!
Anyway, what exactly does airing of grievances and festivus mean? Anyone?
Posted by: Angelique | December 23, 2008 at 11:47 AM
Back in the day, we used K-Y Jelly, and had no problems.
In Canada we don't need K-Y until we're old.
See we are different.
Posted by: Tia | December 23, 2008 at 09:28 PM