TT has plenty to grieve about this year but he also recently got engaged so congratulations on that at least. Well played at the end. You know how much we appreciate a good Benoit reference around here.
(Writers Note: Im from Galveston, lost all my shit in Hurricane Ike, so most of my grieving will be directed at Hurricane Ike.)
First things first...happy fucking festivus. I got a lot of fucking problems this year, so you might want to fucking get a snack.
Hurricane Ike- Hey...hurricane? Fuck you. Fuck you for destroying my apartment. It wasn't that nice an apartment, but you didn't have to do what you did. It was bullshit. I had a fucking nice television in there. Fuck you for destroying the city of Galveston. What the fuck did we ever do to you? We already have to watch the Texans play football every Sunday, isn't that punishment enough? A special fuck you for killing two of my fiancee's relatives. You can fucking burn in hell for that shit. How much do we have to lose to satisfy your bloodlust, you giant fucking ball of circular shaped wind and rain? Couldn't you have at least taken out those douchebaggy Cowboy fans in Dallas too?
Channel 13 Houston- Hey, I think its great that you came down to "report" on Hurricane damage and what we were doing in the meantime to...you know, stay alive and all, but kicking everybody but one family out of the lines for rations so you can get your clear shot and make your damn 5 minute piece? Not fucking cool. We waited for 4 hours for those goddamn MRE's, now let us eat, and then you can pretend to care.
All national news outlets, for lying about the death count. I believe they put the final official death count as somewhere around 40. Fuck you. You fucking lie like dogs. From FUCKING texas city, we could smell the dead bodies. Fucking texas city. People lost entire branches of their family tree's...and you say only 40 people died? That's beyond reprehensible. Report shit accurately for once in your life.
My Cat Chirpy-You lazy, fat, good for nothing sack of fur. I have the decency to take you in a car ride with me to florida so your fat ass doesn't die of starvation, then, out of the goodness of my heart, let you out of the cage to wander, and you repay me by fucking throwing up on me while im driving? What the fuck is that cat? What did I do to you? And now, in your luxurious new apartment, you have the audacity to bite me? Fuck you. Im getting a dog.
Republicans-You fucking lost, Obama isn't the antichrist, shut the fuck up and deal with it. Please. Im so fucking sick of politics. Let the election cycle end guys.
Sickle Cell Anemia- Hey genetic disease, fuck you! Thanks for putting my fiancée in the hospital 7 fucking times over this past year. I appreciated that...not like I was doing anything. I love the incessant worry, and watching someone I love suffer. Why don't you just keep doing that thing you do, you bastard prick disease? I swear to god if somebody ever finds a cure for you I'm going to kill you so fast you fucking disease. DIE.
Chris Benoit's Wife and Child- Come on...you are the family of a WRESTLER. You of all people should know when to tap out.
Until Next Year This has been TT. Happy Festivus, and Happy Grieving.
Edit...there' more!!!
Television sportscasters who mispronounce people's names. Look, you guys have one job in this world, and thats to talk about athletes. Without athletes, you don't have a job, comprende? So take the time, talk to the players, see how they want to have their name said. It's the least you could do....apart from bringing actual sports knowledge to the table, which we all know isn't possible.
Ann Coulter- Look bitch. See...that got your attention...you've already labeled me a liberal and are preparing to dice me into tiny cubes with your razor sharp wits and your adam's apple of steel. Look, I hate to be the one to tell you this. You aren't funny. Its not that I mind the shots at 9-11 widows, or grieving mother's of soldiers, because i don't. Hell, i've told a few 9-11 jokes myself. Nobody is faulting you for target selection here. You just aren't clever. Nobody is laughing Ann. Bill Maher kills you routinely. Find some new schtick, or go away.
Girls who wear pants with words on their ass, then get mad when i stare- Okay look ladies. Im a man. I like women's asses. If you write the word Juicy on your ass in bright, pink, shiny letters...im going to look. You are advertising it and its qualities to me. Now, you, in turn, do not have the right to get offended at me for looking at said ass, because you basically put it on a display shelf for the entire world. Get over your righteous indignation, and either cover yourself or go become a stripper. These are your options.
People who don't use turn signals- Look guys, i understand that 90 percent of the time i can tell which way you are going to go. I realize at times, it seems excessive. But is it really straining you that much to lift a finger and flip the little switch to put on a turn signal? its actually one of the easiest things to do in a car. Turn signals save lives people. USE them.
People calling shows "Reality" Shows-Look, these things don't happen to real people in reality. You don't ever wake up on a pirate ship with 8 of your bestest buds looking for sunken pirate treasure. It just doesn't happen. People don't randomly live in houses full of cameras for 5 months at a time, or eat bugs to earn fabulous prizes. Just call it what it is, quasi-entertainment.
ESPN- Long, long ago, when i was just a kid, ESPN was the greatest thing on cable. All televised sports games, insightfull analysis, baseball tonight, sportscenter, and occasionally big strong men lifting odd things. ESPN was truely great. Fast Forward to 2008. Who's NOW? what the fuck is that shit? I turn on my tv and see espn "personalities" debating who has more popularity, street cred, nowness, or whatever the fuck it is they were debating. What a senseless waste of my life. More sports, less entertainment.
Women bitching about defamation in Rap videos and lyrics- Guess what bitches, women were actually IN those videos. Getting paid. Obviously they would rather get paid then worry about a negative stereotype. Unless you want to write checks to all those women that get paid off the industry, lay off. People are defined by their own self image, not whatever shit BET decides is currently portrayable.
Sensationalism- Im so tired of our desire as a country to have the BEST ever everything. Everytime something pops up its instantly the biggest, baddest, greatest thing in history. Lets just keep some perspective.Barry Bonds is not the greatest baseball player ever. Hurricane Eduaord-diaz-sanchez will not be the most devastating natural disaster in the history of mankind. Nobody is re-inventing the wheel. Stop hyping things up to get people to watch your stupid news coverage....Fox and Cnn, im looking in your general direction.
People who find dogfighting more morally offensive then people killing. Look guys, I know they have soft fur, and are warm and fuzzy, and occasionally lick you on the nose, but dogs.arent.people. You get that? Dogs aren't people. They are pets. Yes, fine, Vick killed dogs. Whatever. Leonard Little drove drunk and killed PEOPLE. If you are going to take time from work to go picket and protest, why are you in line for Vick? This is the battle you chose? Pitbulls? Really? Who gives a fuck. And if you do, Go fuck yourself, you annoy me.
People who are suprised and upset when miner's get trapped in a mine- Look, I understand the nature of dangerous work more than anybody. My dad works in an oil refinery. Its dangerous shit. Im fully aware of the risks he takes. Now, don't go stand on the evening news acting all shocked when your husband, the MINER, gets trapped in a MINE. You knew what the fuck it was when he crawled into a hole in the ground everyday. Yeah, we are sorry for your loss, but dont get pissed when the rescue efforts stop after a reasonable period of time. Your family is dead. The rescue workers are still alive. If the rescue workers keep going in the unstable hole, they will die. Understand?
People who drink and drive- We live in the age of cabs, limo's, designated drivers, and ample public transportation. If you have had a sip of alcohol, you don't need to operate a motor vehicle. To think or act otherwise is fundamentally retarded and kills people. You fuckwits need to stop endangering live's for your vices.
Gay Marriage- Im so fucking sick of hearing about it. This is the biggest smokescreen issue in history. Why does anyone care what 2 consenting adults do? It doesn't hurt you, I promise. Live and fucking let live, and lets fix the economy and shit that matters.
Bud Selig- Over the span of my lifetime, you have managed to take my favorite sport and ram it repeatedly down the toilet. Baseball used to be a good game, a simple game, something worth watching. In a few short years as commissioner, you have turned it into some unweildly, akward monster that goes lumbering after records unjustly. YOU are responsible for steroids. YOU are responsible for Hank Aaron losing his record. YOU should be held accountable for the skyrocketing salaries and the lost season of 94. You are responsible for that all star game ending in a FUCKING TIE. It all rests on your shoulders. Take the responsibility for killing the game.
Paris Hilton/Lindsey Lohan etc. etc. et all of you fuckwit celebrity WHORES- I don't care that your in prison. I don't care that you do drugs. I don't care that your so desperate for attention, you flash your diseased, pus ridden, horrible snatches to whatever camera you can find just to get a write up on page 7 of Star. You are famous because you are rich, and meet some peoples standards of what constitutes beauty. You are trash. You are worthless to the earth. Fucking Die.
Child Beauty Pagaent Parents- Do you not realize how badly you are fucking up your children? Do you not value their mental health and stability? Is recapturing your high school glory, back when the high school quarterback still wanted to give you the 2 finger tango THAT important? Its a fucking 5 year old girl! The people that run these things are sick shits as well. I think foster care should be waiting at everyone of these things and take anybodys kid that tries to register. What a fucked up event to run
Michelle Wie- You cowardly, no talented bitch. First, you bask in the ESPN coverage and hype, sucking in the adulation like britney spears sucks in kevin federline to avoid further pregnancies, then, when it comes to the tournament, and the world starts to realize how badly you suck,, and your juuussst about to lose your ill gotten tour card, you withdraw with "wrist problems". Yeah. You big fucking pussy. Own up to your shittiness. And then go away. You arent' the female tiger woods. You never were. You never will be. You've never won a SINGLE FUCKING EVENT. Go away.
Reggie Bush- Jesus, you have no idea how much it hurts not putting you 1 on this list. If I had a quarter for everytime i've wished paralysis unto you, i'd be a rich bastard. You untalented, overrated, bribe taking, piece of shit. You can't run up the middle. You can't play running back in the nfl. The city of houston is NOT sorry we passed on you. You are a piece of shit football player and a piece of shit human being. Death is too good for you. You fucking twat. You are the worst thing to happen to the good people of new orleans in the past 4 years. Think about that for a second.
George Bush- Look George, you seem like a nice guy and all...and we get that your really really trying here, but you just aren't smart enough to be president. Bring our soldiers home from Iraq, stop stealing personal freedoms, stop giving our money away to the rich, make some semblance of a policy about healthcare, and maybe, just maybe, we'll all pretend like the last 7 years of your hideously incompetent administration didn't happen. That seems fair, doesn't it? Yeah, I thought so. Go away. 2008 can't come fast enough.
Barry Bonds- You coward. You despicable, slimy piece of shit. How dare you, Godson of Willie Mays, son of Bobby Bonds, friend of Willie McCovey, how DARE you take Hank Aaron's record. Who the fuck do you think you are? You couldn't carry Hank Aaron's jockstrap you cowardly fucking cheater. You are a disgrace to yourself, a disgrace to your family, a disgrace to the game of baseball and all who have played it before you. You have stripped dignity and class from the most hallowed record in sports, and no fan with a soul will ever forgive you for it. Death is too good for you. Hell is too good for you. I hope you have an enternal afterlife of Canseco jabbing needles in your ass and Richard Simmons spooning you to sleep. Oh wait, you would probably enjoy that too much you bastard . You son of a bitch. I wish your mother had had ready access to condoms. Die you son of a bitch.Nice job on finding a team to play you this year. Oh Wait. No.
And here's where Festivus gets depressing.
Posted by: Assman | December 19, 2008 at 11:48 AM
It's a long way from clown sex to be sure.
Posted by: Vandelay | December 19, 2008 at 12:08 PM
Girls who wear pants with words on their ass, then get mad when i stare-
Adds a whole new level to 'look but don't touch'. So frustrating.
Posted by: Mr. Kruger | December 19, 2008 at 05:31 PM