I was taking a two week vacation after that last Festivus endurance trial but I had to come in to the office to do a little housekeeping so while I'm here, let's get to that whack-job that ruined Christmas.
When I first heard about this, the only thought I had was "who does that?" "Who dresses up as Santa Claus and shoots an 8 year old girl in the face?" I mean by all accounts, this guy seemed like a perfectly normal guy despite looking like a healthier Charlie Weiss. You figure that something really bad must have happened to him and then all you get is that he got divorced and lost his job? That's it? I mean, isn't this what they make Jack Daniels for...so you don't have to dress up like Santa Claus, ring doorbells, shoot 8 year old girls in the face with semi-automatics, and light everyone else you know on fire? More importantly, does anyone smell an ad campaign here?
Every time something like this happens, it scares the living fuck out of me because it reminds me that there are people around me that probably have that inside them. While I'm sure we all have a certain amount of rage that can be triggered at any given time, there are those select few who are capable of some truly depraved shit and it's assholes like this that remind us that we have to be skeptical of anyone to a certain degree. More than likely, it's Jim from accounts payable but it could be anyone. Just sayin'.
On an unrelated note, I spent the weekend in Boston and of course I can't go to Boston and leave without grievances so jump with me, will you?
To the father at the Children's Museum who has to play with every attraction despite the fact that there are kids waiting to play with them. Look Sully...I get it. That shit's cool and it looks like a lot of fun but unfortunately as you enter the building, you'll see a sign that clearly reads Boston Children's Museum. Yes, I know that adults have to pay as well but it's Target Friday Night and you paid a god damn dollar! Even if you didn't that's not the point. You're no different than any of the other dads here, Sully. I want to navigate a remote controlled boat through that bridge. I want to climb on that backhoe and pretend I'm working on the Big Dig. I want to climb that wall. I want to fly that airplane. I get it...I do. However, while your 90 pound housewife is watching you and thinking "Oh my husband Sully is so fun and zany and he's just like a kid. He's not like all of these other joyless fathers just watching their kids have fun. He's just like a big kid. I'm so lucky!" No Trish...your "hub-bay" is no different than any of us other dads except for the fact we're not making "children" wait to use the attractions at the "children's" museum. The only way that he's unique from us is that he's a scumbag. You want fun? Try fucking a clown.* Now hop in the caravan and get your scrawny ass back to Lynn.
Drivers on Boylson Street. Listen up...I realize that there's nowhere to fucking park and I'd really like to get into that Apple store as well but simply stopping in the left lane and throwing your hazards on is unacceptable and probably like one of the boldest dickhead moves I've ever seen. Even if you're only gonna be 10 minutes, you can not shut down an entire lane on the busiest road in the city. You pull that shit with the wrong person behind you and you may not make it out alive.
DirecTV Customer Service Reps. "Oh you're having problems scheduling that 'completely meaningless unless someone gets carried off on a stretcher' Steelers-Browns tilt on the DVR scheduler on our website, Mr. Vandelay? Sure, we can help you with that. You're not sure which receiver is the HD? Just check off the one that ends in 9514. Now hit MENU on your remote and go to your to do list and see if the game is scheduled." Wait...what? Lady, if I had access to my TV, why the fuck would I be sitting in front of it trying to DVR something from my laptop? Really DirecTV? Really? I mean...really.
*No...not Darren, that motherfucker that can't keep a job, or Carl, your friend that's been fixing his van for the last 12 years and lives with his grandmother. Certainly not Jim from accounts payable.
The 8 year old girl survived? Did I read that correctly? That's amazing. Regardless, this asshole reminded me, like he did you, that you better watch your back and not fuck with the wrong person, lest it be you he takes his sociopath frustration out on.
Kind of like how you might do that to that dickhole on Boylson Street, eh, Vandelay?
Posted by: Dr. Tim Whatley | December 30, 2008 at 01:06 PM
Regardless, this asshole reminded me, like he did you, that you better watch your back and not fuck with the wrong person, lest it be you he takes his sociopath frustration out on.
Which basically means you can't fuck with anybody, because really, who sees this shit coming?
Posted by: jackie | December 30, 2008 at 07:12 PM