Newman's got nothin'

Well, I couldn’t rap it this year. I tried, but my flow just wasn’t on point. You know, it just didn’t have any swag. The streets would have been disappointed. And since I rep the streets to the fullest in every aspect of my life, I just couldn’t take that chance. Howevs, I’m sure I can work up some steam railing against things that I really don’t actually care that much about. You know, a grievance for show. Yep.

 

My first grievance is with the Atlantic hurricane basin. Can’t you see the Gulf Coast and Cuba have had enough? I come down here two years ago and still, to this day, have not seen so much as a tropical storm. We got some rain from the outer waves of Tropical Storm Fay. Wow, nature, way to punish this Godless sodomy-haven of a state. I want to see one of these Category 1 or 2 hurricanes! And before you say, “well, look at TexansTragedy, he went through a category 2 and it destroyed his apartment and killed people”. That’s Galveston. A category 2 hurricane is going to do little of note to South Florida. There is enough sin down here for that, no? Do we need to get even more gay? Because I don’t think we’re up to that task. Besides, I have no idea where I put that Debbie Gibson "Electric Youth" CD.

 

Second, what the hell was that, Penn State? Losing to Iowa? THIS WAS GONNA BE YOUR YEAR!!!! You finally beat Michigan, and then finally beat OSU in Columbus, and all you have to do is beat Iowa, Indiana, and Michigan State. And you fucking blow it. Thanks, QB Daryll Clark. Way to play. And while you may say to me that Clark probably cares enough about it since he’s actually on the team, I would respond by imploring you to head over to Home Depot and swallow some nails. The next time some 17-year-old girl flips her parents SUV over in the middle of the interstate and kills her grandma, I don’t want to hear anyone complaining about the traffic.

 

Third…damn, what is third? I don’t even care about anything. Something has to have annoyed me, right? Roommates? Yeah, but I don’t feel like getting into that. Work? Sure, but anyone could write about that. Women that don’t touch my penis? While I don’t see why any of you would make that decision, I mean, I guess you have the right to make it. The world? Like I want Assman’s sloppy seconds. If it takes years to years to clean up New Orleans, I don’t even want to know how long it’s going to take to clean up Myanmar after whatever he did to it. I would do racism but not only has that dead horse been beaten here, we then moved on and beat a dead cat on the subject through all 9 of it’s lives. Race cards were aired, white people were scared, etc. etc. Georgia? No, Georgia is like a disabled relative. You shouldn’t make fun of it too much. The NFL officiating? Eh, it sucks, but there are more important things in my life than Walt Coleman’s quixotic explanations for his stumbling drunk calls. Scrabble? Because I really would like to throw a quixotic up in Scrabble but have never been able to. That would TOTALLY PWN!!!!!

 

I need a third, damn it. I need a triumvirate. A trinity. The damn third piece to the triforce. Another one-balled person to group with John Kruk and Lance Armstrong.

I guess I’ll go with myself. Seriously, Gunpowder, how hard could it have been to rap up a grievance this year? Was this year really that good that you couldn’t find any grievances that rhyme with “dry hump” and “uterus”? You did it two years ago and couldn’t record it. Now you have a better studio. I don’t care how busy you were, man, you should have been able to come up with 4 minutes of hot fire about 2008. You’ve been doing this for years! And now look at Vandelay…look at that frown! You let him down, Gunpowder! You let him down. And now you have to live with that. I don’t even know how you are able to sleep at night.

Comments

[Assman]

"High bump" and "new to this".

[Vandelay]

In his prime, GPJ could have just free-styled a festivus rap. Sad, sad, day.

[GPJnewman]

GPJ ain't even in his prime yet. Third CD coming soon bitches.

[Dr. Tim Whatley]

Besides, I have no idea where I put that Debbie Gibson "Electric Youth" CD.

I think I have the cassette tape. Tiffany too. Want to borrow it? God is crushing us up here under 14 inches of snow, so I think he'll relent of I let those go.

*note: I don't have either tape. I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that...