Kristal K Came To Play

You think this is easy, folks. I'm not exactly the witty one around here. Long time reader and commenter extraordinaire, Kristal K has brought it for another year to kick us off this morning...

Michael Phelps

8 Gold medals. You are an American "hero" who made it socially acceptable to scream expletives about the French without anyone complaining. But really, you might also be the luckiest s.o.b. on the planet. You earn more money in one day than I'll earn in my entire life thanks to the freak of nature that you are that enabled you to somehow, with the sun shining straight up your ass, win your 8 gold medals. And now, everytime I turn on the TV I see your Rosetta Stone endorsement, which presumably helped you learn English. We get it. You're awesome, now please go away for the next 4 years and we'll see you in London.

Tom Cruise

'Nuff said.

John McCain

Thank you for allowing the world to ask the question "what if the REAL John McCain ran for President in 2008?" Amazingly, you did show up in your concession speech proving to the world if the real, moderate you had run against Barack Obama with Colin Powell as your running mate, things would have looked a lot different in Washington on January 20, 2009.

Jack Ryan

Illinois Republican Senate candidate whose strange sexual desires got him divorced from Jeri Ryan and in short, lead to Barack Obama being elected the 44th President. Really, this is just a heart-felt thank you for letting your freak flag fly.

Sarah Palin

Thanks for being my doppelganger, but that's where it ends. You proved to the world that a razor-sharp, diplomatic, personality-challenged, "handsome" woman will never get our country's nomination for higher office, but a folksy, gorgeous, dim witted, red neck from the sticks can somehow get put on the bill to be a heartbeat away from the presidency by merely winking and flirting. You've set the woman's movement back by about 50 years. I hate you.

Steinbrenner Family

For allowing the House that Ruth Built to fall into such shameful disrepair that you had to knock it down to build a new stadium so that you could sell $50,000 per game luxury boxes. There is a special place in Hell for you and I look forward to the new curse that will befall your pinstriped asses.

Subprime Lenders and their investors

To paraphrase Billy Madison: what you've just done is one of the most insanely idiotic things ever. At no point in your greed driven market schemes, in which you specifically set out to defraud the American public at large, were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational business model. Everyone on the planet, consumed with the same greed, fell for your cock-eyed scheme and is now, not only dumber for having listened to it and investing in it, but we're all royally F'd because of it. You didn't just bring down corporations, pension funds, the real estate market, the stock market, the Republican party (btw, thanks for that) and universal morale, you basically brought down the world. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your souls, but really, I'd prefer to see you rot in Hell.

OJ

Better late than never. Karma is a bitch and I guess, so am I.

Kristal K out!

Comments

[Assman]

BFF count is at 2!

[Mr. Kruger]

Michael Phelps

Cheers- I've never seen someone burn through street cred faster- Hey!?!

[Dr. Tim Whatley]

I gotta hope that Yankee curse is real. But the flip side to that is we'll have more years of, "That was a fawkin' wicked pissah of a game! Go Sawx!"

And hearing that will make me want to punch a fourth grade Trombone player.

[Jason]

Billy Madison: Best movie ever.