If I May Have The Floor For A Second...

So, I don't need to take up your day with my petty grievances tomorrow. You have to read my shit all year round. I’ll go ahead and flex some versatility as I go from MoC to griever momentarily. I can also recite the alphabet backwards so I’m a bit of a triple-threat. You can't teach that. I'll probably hit it after this and I should be back with you at around 9 a.m. Newman, have my coffee ready.

Atrial Fibrillation – It’s not so much that I have a huge issue with you although you did kind of scare the living piss out of me with no warning. How the hell am I supposed to know what a heart attack feels like? After learning a little, you seem fairly innocuous and manageable…especially for a virile stud like myself. You’re just not something I expected at 37. Now that nurse at the walk-in center…you can eat a bag of dicks, ma’am. This is not really the type of attention I long for so when I make a request to just drive myself to the hospital rather than go in the back of an ambulance…just tell me that there are legal issues and you have to put me in an ambulance to indemnify yourselves. Know what not to do? DON’T FUCKING TELL ME I HAVE TO TAKE THE AMBULANCE IN CASE MY HEART STOPS!!! Because that makes for a really shitty ambulance ride.

People Whose Cell Phones Ring Like A Normal Telephone - Why should I give a shit about your cell phone ring you ask? Honestly, I don’t. I would ask the same thing of you though. I know your deal. You think you’re all old school because you don’t buy into the technology offered by alternate ring tones. You’re not that cool. You’re really not. You think your some kind of slick non-conformist but meanwhile you probably spend more time sending text messages and taking pictures and engaging in all kinds of activities that a 14-year old girl would engage in than I will my entire life. But at least your cell phone doesn’t annoy people you say? Maybe not…but you and your pompous attitude certainly annoy me. I don’t really think I’m setting your life back too much because on the off-chance my cell phone rings…which is maybe 10 times a week, you’re forced to be exposed to Steve Perry or Q-Tip for like all of 4 seconds. Get over it, douchebag.

My Kids – Look…I love you guys more than you can ever know but why on earth do you have to be such slobs? I knew the deal when I had girls…I get cute, snuggly, affectionate, and neat for 10-12 years; then you hate me for the next say…6-8 years; then you realize how important I was in your life and you appreciate me more than you ever knew. You two though…it’s like you just shed messes. Every time you leave a room it looks like a cyclone hit it. Seriously…it’s exhausting and a huge breech of contract. I know I’m not exactly the neatest or most organized person in the world either but help me out just a little…would you? I’m glad you’ve chosen to emulate me and I think in the long run, it’s the wise choice but if there’s anything to take from your mother…pick something up every once in a while, would ya?

Guys That Share an E-mail Address with their Wives – You know they’re like free, right? I’m really not here to judge but I don’t think I have any choice but to presume that if you’re sharing an e-mail address with your wife, she probably keeps your balls in a jar as well. That’s fine though. I’ll just have you know that the reason I’ve never actually sent you an e-mail is not because I give a shit if your wife has to click on 2 Girls-1 Cup. That visual actually makes me quite giddy. The reason I’ve never sent you an e-mail is because I’m pretty sure we can’t be friends.

Bernard Pollard – Just kidding!!!

Okay, I’m keeping it brief. Time to put my MoC cap back on. Happy Festivus to all and to all a good night!

Comments

[April]

Sorry to hear about your a-fib. As someone who works in the medical field, that nurse was way out of line for saying that to you. You're not supposed to scare patients into doing what you want. She's not House!! Douche Bag!

For some reason, I cannot stand the cell phones that ring like regular house phones. Shit, even house phones don't sound like that anymore.

And good luck getting your girls to pick up after themselves. I bribe my son with money and it still doesn't work. He wanted to get an allowance so I wrote up a contract. He starts off with $10 at the beginning of the week (he doesn't get it until the end of the week though) and every time he doesn't do one of the chores on the list, he gets $1 taken away. The detailed the list rather than just saying pick up after yourself. I added the specifics like put your shoes by the door, book bag in your room, etc. All the bad habits he got into. I also added any time he forgets his homework or books to do his homework $1 gets taken away.

Not one week has he gotten more than $4-$5. And it's always because he doesn't remember to pick up after himself. Fortunately for you, you have girls. They'll more than likely become more neat as they get older. I have a boy. He'll probably stay a slob for the rest of his life.

[Assman]

GOOD FUCKING GOD, men who share email addresses with your wives!! Does she keep them in a jar?! Are you too much of an idiot to check your own account!? OHH!! Don't fire it up this early, Vandelay!

[Vandelay]

Is he mocking me?

[Mr. Kruger]

The reason I’ve never sent you an e-mail is because I’m pretty sure we can’t be friends.

Extreme truthiness there- and probably because he'll never get any of the emails you send anyway.

[Jason]

The cell phone ring is so passe. Not just the old school ring, I'm talking about all ringing in general. It's time to embrace vibration. (There's clearly a joke here somewhere.)