April Is Feeling Inspired

April from April's Random Showers has decided to throw herself into our little world and SPOILER ALERT...she brought her uterus.

This is my first grievance session on a blog other than my own. Due to the guest-posting nature and awesomeness of last years grievances, I feel I should write something extra comical and fanfuckingtastic and that's a lot of pressure. Or maybe I need to take a shit? Either way, I'll let you down easy right here......don't expect much entertainment value from me, OK?

I'm going to start with my uterus. I was going to curse God since he's probably the one who created the female reproductive system in all it's horribleness, but I don't want to piss off the fundy-christians or have Tom Cruise come and jump on my couch in an attempt to tell me that some alien made my girl organs. So I'll stick with the uterus itself since it's truly what I have the problem with.......why oh why is it necessary for you to bleed every single month for 5-7 days straight? And you don't just bleed, you cramp, cause my boobs to swell in pain, turn my brain into an emotional basket case, and prevent me from getting laid during your bleeding time. Now I know that some people don't mind getting it on when you decide that you're going to shed your lining, but I most certainly am not a fan. Why? Because I am a freaky bitch and the last time I tried banging while you were bleeding, the place looked like a crime scene. My DNA was EVERYWHERE and I've watched enough CSI to know that I should probably keep my DNA to myself.

PMSing + 5-7 days sans sex = A pissed off April

Next is The Guy Who Had His Chance But Didn't Take It When He Had It And Now It's Too Late And Won't Leave Me Alone. We'll call him Ass since the other name is too long. No, Ass, we cannot cheat on our significant others with each other twice a year for the rest of our lives. Yes, we had something once and amazing sex but I'm VERY happy in my relationship and even if I wasn't there's still that one little issue.......YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED! Oh yeah?? Remember her? Your FIANCE! The one you've told me several times always does things that remind you of me? The one who you've asked me (in a joking manner) to give blow-job lessons to because she doesn't do it as good as I do? The one you bought the perfume I wear for so she can smell like me? The one you have a baby with?? OH YEAH!! That one! Please take her into consideration the next time you tell me you love me. You had your chance when I left my husband but according to you "the timing was bad." Well that was the ONLY time you had so please don't tell me every single time we talk that the sound of my voice makes your dick hard. Either keep it in your pants or take it home to your woman. She is very good to you.

And speaking of blow jobs........Dear Boyfriend, I understand that you love the "service" I provide for you pretty much whenever you want. I also understand that you're a "mans man" because you have the ability control when you orgasm. I also understand that you sometimes like to hold out because it "feels so fucking good" according to you. And that's OK, I like making you feel good. However, 45 minutes straight is entirely too long. The term lock-jaw that people joke about almost became a reality for me. And not to mention my neck. I'm not 21 anymore. My 30 year old cervical spine cannot handle a solid 45 minutes of cock-bobbing.

Last......Morbidly Obese Co-worker. I do not want to hear all the raunchy things your internet men say about your body. When you tell me that Guy #2,985 says that he loves doing you from behind because you have "such a sexy backside" I want to vomit all of my insides out. Clear from my esophagus down to my vagina. That's right, I will puke up my own pussy. All I can picture is your dimple filled, psoriasis covered, pimply, fat ass. And that's not a pretty picture. Trust. I do not want to hear about your kissing, cuddling, sucking, fucking, or anything of the sort. It's all equally disgusting. Sexual relations with Jabba the Hutt isn't exactly fodder for the imagination.

The End.

Comments

[Vandelay]

However, 45 minutes straight is entirely too long.

Maybe you're doing it wrong?

Well done, April. I want to get drunk with you.

[April]

I wish I was doing it wrong so he wouldn't ask me to do it so much! Most of the time it's under 5 minutes. But sometimes he asks if I can do it for a while because it feels so good he wants it to last. I don't mind but like I said, 45 minutes....that's a problem!

Hell yeah, let's get drunk!

[Assman]

A 45 minute blowjob is a lot of things, but "bad" certainly isn't one of them.

Unless you're the one giving it (which you are).

I hate your uterus.

[Mr. Kruger]

That's right, I will puke up my own pussy.

That is pure genius right there- you're awesome.

[Dr. Tim Whatley]

You clearly don't use teeth. That will end those marathon hummer sessions. If you were fellating me, I'd understand if you said the following message:

"You got 15 minutes tops. Otherwise I am treating your crank like a piece of string cheese, capisce?"

[Jason]

I have a morbidly obese coworker who prefers regular soda over the diet soda that my company provides for free in the office fridge. So she brings her own soda to work. I heard her explaining to another coworker “Sugar isn’t bad for you. In fact, it’s better for you than that fake stuff. And diet sodas just make you more hungry anyway.”

And I'm telling you, this chick is gigantic. Simply awful.

[Vandelay]

Know what's even better for you than sugar? Water. That's free too.

[Tia]

From one chick to another, April. cuz I'm over 21 too.

You get nice and comfy lying down, pillows arranged just so...

Then you have him straddle you, from that angel 45 minutes will be harder (ah-ha) on him and you'll be nice and relaxed. And if he lasts all 45 in that position, well at least you'll be lying down. It saves the fuck out of your neck, cuz fucking your neck is never a good thing.

I personally prefer a little quid pro qou:
45 minutes of blowing for 45 minutes of licking
(or just straight screwing, depends on the day.)

Excellent rant, except that I may never get the image of fat online fucking obese chick out of my head. Ick.