If you do one thing all day today, just scroll down and watch the slideshow (with commentary). Gotta be satire, right? Every woman is either fat or pregnant and has a cigarette hanging out of their mouth. You got a bride saying that the Waffle House is as much a part of their lives as their kids are. You got Dale Earnhardt gear. You got a 23 year old couple that's been together for nine years. You got moustaches. You got mullets. You got a groom named Bubba. You got milk crates for seats and kids sitting in oil stains. You got a wedding ring that looks like it came from one of those quarter machines outside of Stop & Shop. You got kids picking their noses in the wedding pictures. I could go on and on here. How is this not on the front page of The New Yorker?
On a serious note...Klompus...listen to me. I don't know you personally and yeah, you're kind of an asshole, but this really needs to be said. You gotta get the fuck out of Georgia, man. Do it now, before it's too late. Sell the house. Pull a Bob Irsay if you have to. Just get the fuck out!
Think about the children, man!
Gotta be satire, right?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here...You've never been to a Waffle House, have you? There were actually a lot more teeth than you'd normally see at a Waffle House.
Posted by: Craig | July 16, 2008 at 02:48 PM
I love the Hizzy and hope to have my wedding weekend brunch there (not really)
Joe Rogers, Chairman and CEO of The Waffle House spoke to us about Waffle House while at UGA. Really amazing place (Waffle House). It is very family oriented and he had several stories about events like this. One person left his entire estate to a Waffle House waitress who waited on him for something like 10 years.
Seriously, leave the North where you can't get a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich with hashbrowns scattered, smothered, and covered (my personal preference) at 3 a.m. on a Sunday morning.
Posted by: Crazy Joe Davalo | July 16, 2008 at 02:52 PM
You've never been to a Waffle House, have you?
No, I haven't. Is that one of those things I should do just to say I did?
My hope here is that these people know that they're rednecks but don't take themselves too seriously so for a goof dercided to have a redneck themed wedding where they just exaggerated all of their stereotypes.
Gotta be it, right?
Posted by: Art Vandelay | July 16, 2008 at 02:59 PM
These were the people Hillary was talking about.
Posted by: phil | July 16, 2008 at 03:29 PM
Is that one of those things I should do just to say I did?
I would say no, but it might give you some good stories to tell. The average waffle house is smoke-filled and employs at least two waitresses who just got out of jail and are probably going to be back fairly soon. On the other hand, the hashbrowns that get cooked on that big flat-top griddle are pretty good.
Are these self-aware rednecks? Possible. I know some of those, so they really do exist. Then again, I know a lot more of the rednecks who are completely unaware, and I can picture them having a wedding like this with no hint of irony.
so for a goof dercided to have a redneck themed wedding
I'm sure that's a typo, and you intended to say decided, but I like to think that "dercided" is a clever new way of pointing out that a decision is just plain retarded.
Posted by: Craig | July 16, 2008 at 03:33 PM
Typo, but if I really were that clever, I'd probably go with "duhcision."
Posted by: Art Vandelay | July 16, 2008 at 03:47 PM
Very nice. Not remotely surprising for a Waffle House though.
They keep the orange juice in a big metal vat.
Posted by: Assman | July 16, 2008 at 04:16 PM
"On a serious note...Klompus...listen to me. I don't know you personally and yeah, you're kind of an asshole, but this really needs to be said. You gotta get the fuck out of Georgia, man. Do it now, before it's too late. Sell the house. "
Funny you mention it. I just sold my house a couple of weeks ago. And the new house is plenty far from Georgia. How far? Well, let's just say Craig and Whatley better watch their backs. Yeah, I know that may sound like a questionable market to move to. But I'm not in Manufacturing so it's okay. And public education is one of its few redeeming qualities.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | July 16, 2008 at 06:54 PM
Vandelay, you didn't mention the three—count 'em, three!—Jesus or God t-shirts. These folks dressed up for a wedding. They put on their Sunday best.
I went to a Waffle House in the Orlando area once. I had high hopes for tasty waffles, but Waffle House let me down. I don't know if this is typical of the chain, but there was no butter. Only margarine. My IHOP gives me butter every time, but that Waffle House dispensed only a glob of semisolid margarine.
Posted by: Schmoopie | July 16, 2008 at 06:57 PM
We don't have IHOPs or Waffle Houses here. Come to think of it, we don't even have any Dennys anymore. Jesus, I can't remember the last time I had a friggin' pancake.
Klompus, I'd ask you why you're moving somewhere that you routinely make fun of but I imagine the list of places that you don't routinely make fun of is pretty short.
Posted by: Art Vandelay | July 16, 2008 at 09:45 PM
"Funny you mention it. I just sold my house a couple of weeks ago. And the new house is plenty far from Georgia. How far? Well, let's just say Craig and Whatley better watch their backs. Yeah, I know that may sound like a questionable market to move to. But I'm not in Manufacturing so it's okay. And public education is one of its few redeeming qualities."
Well Klompus, I know it isn't Michigan you're moving to then. Our public education system is in shambles, too. I think there are four job openings for teachers of all levels statewide this year.
But I guess that is better than having a bunch of toothless wonders havin' a hitchin' at the Werfell House, moseyin' all over pasture.
Posted by: Dr. Tim Whatley | July 17, 2008 at 07:11 AM
The clientele at the Waffle Houses of South Florida are so weird that I'm not even going to try and begin describing them. I'd probably need to invent some new words.
Posted by: SL22 | July 17, 2008 at 09:17 AM
Say what you will about the Waffle House and the people associated with it, but their waffles are fucking delicious. (I try to hit one up every time I'm in the American south.)
Posted by: H.E. Pennypacker | July 17, 2008 at 10:29 AM
Having spent pretty much all of my 40+ years in The Land of the Waffle House, and having spent many post-bar hopping early mornings in them (long, long ago. I swear) allow me to share some inside breakfast house knowledge:
The rednecks who frequent them are oblivious to their redneckedness. The closest you'd get to an admission on it would be when they refer to themselves as "Down to Earth".
There are people in the Waffle House who haven't left in 15 years, and live solely on free coffee refills.
In order to be qualified to waitress in a Waffle House, you must always address your customer - be they man, woman, or child - as
Hun, Shug, Darlin', or Sweetie. Anytime a woman calls me "Darlin", I know that she is or has been working in a Waffle House.
Black people don't eat at the Waffle House.
No one has ever been seen eating an actual waffle in the Waffle House.
Posted by: lattalayne | July 17, 2008 at 10:35 AM
Oh, forgot to add, the story at the top? Not satire. And no, they aren't joking.
Posted by: lattalayne | July 17, 2008 at 10:37 AM
Black people don't eat at the Waffle House.
I knew Assman made that shit up about the OJ in a huge metal vat.
No one has ever been seen eating an actual waffle in the Waffle House.
See, that makes no sense to me. If I ever went in a Waffle House, I'm sure I'd have a waffle. It'd be like going to a steak house and not having a steak...I think. I wonder if I'd get funny looks from everyone.
Also, I have to admit, I love it when waitresses call me honey or sugar. I'm a sucker for that southern charm.
Posted by: Art Vandelay | July 17, 2008 at 10:49 AM
I know Assman is making that shit up. He got his information second-hand at best. Otherwise he'd have mentioned that if you order "orange juice" at the Waffle House, they give you a glass of Tang. Or Orange Kool-Aid, depending on what part of town you're in.
Pennypacker, you must be going to some fancy big city Waffle Houses. Try ordering a waffle in, say, Dacula, GA. If you're lucky, somebody there might thaw out an Eggo for you.
Art, do you seriously want the blushing bride from that story calling you Darlin'? For real? I'm local, so I'm pretty much immune, but I'd think you'd find it pretty...scary.
Posted by: lattalayne | July 17, 2008 at 11:18 AM
"Black people don't eat at the Waffle House.
No one has ever been seen eating an actual waffle in the Waffle House."
This person has clearly not been to Atlanta, maybe not even GA. Waffle House gets shout outs in rap songs down here. It is the destination of choice for all Atlanta party-goers late night. And yes, I do the Waffle and 2 eggs, soft scrambled with cheese, and hash browns, scattered, smothered, and covered. There used to be one on North avenue near downtown where 50% of the waiters(waitresses) were trannies. And there's also one on the edge of the Buckhead party district that has an hour wait every morning at 3AM.
Posted by: Aaron | July 17, 2008 at 11:32 AM
"Black people don't eat at the Waffle House.
No one has ever been seen eating an actual waffle in the Waffle House."
Not true. Have you ever been to Atlanta? There you can see both -- black people eating waffles at Waffle House. Po-dunk Dacula on the other hand, only has about 160 black people out of a population of about 3800. So maybe not so much there.
For the recrod, while these podunk towns have some of the worst restaurants, they also have some of the best hole-in-the-wall country diners (it's just a gamble). You don't want to know how it's made, but if you pick the right place -- you can get some killer fried chicken that will make you nut right in your pants.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | July 17, 2008 at 11:41 AM
Damn, Aaron. All over that shit.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | July 17, 2008 at 11:42 AM
"There used to be one on North avenue near downtown where 50% of the waiters(waitresses) were trannies."
That was the Disco Diner, not Waffle House. And before that, it was an IHOP (you can tell by the roof). Now it's an Asian restaurant. I believe people refer to it as the Slant-IHOP. And by "people," I mean everyone that isn't Asian.
And there's also one on the edge of the Buckhead party district
Yeah, right off of Roswell Road. I lived 2 blocks from it many years ago. But Buckhead is pretty dead now. They tore down most of the bars along the strip. The needed an excuse to clean up Ray Lewis' crime scene.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | July 17, 2008 at 11:54 AM
There you can see both -- black people eating waffles at Waffle House.
I hear that the Atlanta Department of Tourism actually organizes bus tours for this. They're quite popular with the Yanks.
Posted by: Art Vandelay | July 17, 2008 at 11:54 AM
Nah, for some reason when I go to Atlanta, I don't look for Waffle Houses. Go figure...
Klompus, if you ever want to eat something a little better than hole-in-the-wall diners, find yourself a United House of Prayer for All People (UHOP)church. I don't know about in Atlanta, but every one in NC serves the best damned (Forgive me, Lord) lunch you will ever have. Their Smothered Pork Chop with rice and gravy will put you one step closer to Jesus, literally and figuratively.
Posted by: lattalayne | July 17, 2008 at 11:57 AM
"find yourself a United House of Prayer for All People (UHOP)church."
Unfortunately, every time I enter one of those structures the walls either bleed or the holy water starts boiling.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | July 17, 2008 at 12:05 PM
Oh, I think you're safe there, Klompus.
There's a story about Daddy Grace (founder of UHOP) that someone asked him once how he determined how much of the church offerings he gave to the Lord and how much he kept for himself. His classic reply "I throw all the money up in the air. Whatever God keeps is his, whatever falls to the ground is mine."
You'll be just fine.
Posted by: lattalayne | July 17, 2008 at 12:42 PM
I know Assman is making that shit up. He got his information second-hand at best. Otherwise he'd have mentioned that if you order "orange juice" at the Waffle House, they give you a glass of Tang. Or Orange Kool-Aid, depending on what part of town you're in.
I'm pretty sure Waffle House lore varies by region, but every time I've been in one (which is equal to the number of times that I wished I hadn't), I stared for the entire 45 minutes at the giant steel vat of orange drank. And every time someone ordered it and they spooned it out, a part of me died. The "tang" taste may be coming from the copper in the metal.
But I can definitely confirm that you do see black people there. It's kind of a scary notion, but - get this - not all black people are classy.
Sometimes it'll be 3 AM and you'll see a family (With little kids! Kids!! 3 AM!!) eating waffles.
Posted by: Assman | July 17, 2008 at 01:25 PM
It's an open vat? I thought you meant a closed vat with a spout and I was wndering what your issue with it was in the first place.
What the fuck?
I'm sitting here trying to come up with a reasonable scenario why ayone would have little kids in a Waffle House at 3 a.m. but I really got nothing.
Posted by: Art Vandelay | July 17, 2008 at 02:23 PM
The UHOP? Didn't I see that in a movie once? But it was a McDowell's instead?
Posted by: Crazy Joe Davalo | July 17, 2008 at 03:07 PM
"I'm sitting here trying to come up with a reasonable scenario why ayone would have little kids in a Waffle House at 3 a.m. but I really got nothing."
All I can think about is the time we were coming back from Tobermory, Canada, and got lost for a few hours (after making the trip many times myself, I have no fucking clue how). It was probably about 3 am by the time we got back.
Really, though, that's it.
Posted by: SL22 | July 17, 2008 at 04:15 PM
It's not like they forgot the combination to their gated community. They had to be somewhere, and they don't serve waffles (or Tang) under overpasses.
My only Waffle House experience is walking past the one on Virginia Street that was wrapped in crime scene tape thanks to a double murder that happened inside. Pretty much put me off the place for good. Besides, nothing compares to Skeeter's for 3 a.m. gut bombs. Too bad it's long gone.
Posted by: Bookman | July 18, 2008 at 01:22 AM
I've been to a Waffle House (one time in Atlanta).
This might sound strange to a lot of people here. But SO F*CKING WHAT that these people got married at a Waffle House.
They appear to love each other and I'm willing to bet that they did not spend 50K on a wedding. So what' the big deal?
I found it very strange that the groom had to go back to work on his wedding day. Did they explain that?
Posted by: Dr. Strangejazz | July 18, 2008 at 09:22 AM
Hey Jazz, SO FUCKING WHAT if someone from "the hood" likes NASCAR and/or flourescent colors? How dare anyone blog about such a thing? I know since you wrote about it on your blog it must eat away at your soul because by no means should this type of medium be used to just have a little fun with things. It's so obvious to everyone that your indignation is real so let me ask you...who gives a fuck what people wear on the street? Obviously, you do. That's fucked up. I'd seek some therapy, man. Life's too short to obsess over such trivial matters.
Posted by: Art Vandelay | July 18, 2008 at 10:36 AM
All I can think about is the time we were coming back from Tobermory, Canada
Jesus, what the hell were you doing in Tobermory?
(Also, we have provinces up here. It'd be weird to hear a city be referred to as something like, "Toledo, USA", wouldn't it?)
Posted by: H.E. Pennypacker | July 19, 2008 at 12:18 AM
@Art:
Thanks for visting my site.
Apples and Oranges Vandelay.
Posted by: Dr. Strangejazz | July 22, 2008 at 10:57 PM