The Day The Benoit (and any hope for humanity) Died

June 26th, 2007 – It started out innocuously enough. Chiles decides to put up a post on the death of Canadian professional wrestler and rabid wolverine, Chris Benoit. It was a bit of an odd post because Chiles had written the first two bullets in a bit of a tributary manner, prior to hearing the news that the man had just engineered a double homicide at the hands of his wife and son before taking his own life. Still, the odds on this becoming the single greatest post not only in AofG history but quite possibly the internet as a whole were infinitesimal. Today, one year later, we take a look back on the legend that is… R.I.P. Chris Benoit.

Look, most people who read this blog would say that its contributors as well as commenters attempt to be fairly erudite and of course we’re very cynical by nature but some of that is manufactured only because it’s the nature of this blog to be cynical. It’s the essence of Festivus. What happened on June 26th, 2007 however, was real. If you were there, you will never forget. If you weren’t and if you have a couple moments and aren’t afraid to have your faith in mankind challenged, just skim through that colossal 253 comment section that follows. If you don’t have the time, I’ll summarize.

Basically, we were just going to talk about it amongst ourselves for a couple of hours until everyone realized that we were talking about a dead wrestler and that would be it. Then about a dozen comments deep, becca happened…

I CONNOT BELIVE SOME OF THESE ASSHOLES TALKING DOWN ON A MAN WHO IS NO LONGER IN THIS WORLD!!!!!!!! HE HAD MORE BALLS THANK ALL OF YOU COMBINED AND STILL HAD STILL HAD A SOME LEFTOVER.WHETHER HE IS GUILTY OR NOT SHOULD NOT TAKE AWAY THE GREAT WRESTLER HE WAS AND THAT AS SOME OF US KNOW A GOOD MAN.WE SHOULD NOT JUDGE HIM TO QUICKLY FROM SOME REPORTS OF THIS SUICIDE/MURDER...WE ALWAYS JUMP TO QUICK CONCLUSIONS EVEN IF HE DID I AM SURE SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH HIM SOMEHOW SOME WHERE i AM JUST GLAD I GOT TO MEET HIM BEFORE HE LEFT US....HOPEFULLY HIM AND EDDIE ARE HAVING A GOOD ONE RIGHT NOW...YOU MAYNOT GET RESPECT FROM SOME OF THESE JOKER ASSHOLES BUT CHRIS FROM ME AND MINE YOU WILL ALWAYS GET THE UTMOST RESPECT..... R.I.P CHRIS BENOIT YOU WILL BE MISSED.

Then it got weird.

What the fuck was that you say? That, my friends, would be MySpace. In some strange but lovely twist of fate, Chiles’ post was linked to the website of retards, creating a dynamic the likes of which we’ve never seen before. The people that we here at the Grieve spend so much time making fun of were here. The dichotomy between griever and myspacer would simply make for comedy gold. Resident assholes Klompus and Assman were like kids in a candy store. One person described it as a pack of gazelle lying down to sleep directly in front of a herd of lions.

e.g. Mytard: "WWE is continuing to monitor the ongoing investigation being conducted by local authorities"

Klompus: Good thing we have those supersleuths at WWE monitoring the investigation. Wouldn't want anything ridiculous to happen...

It became a forum for people to communicate with a dead man…

to Chris Benoit and the Benoit family,
hi im srry to hear about the events that have happened. when i first saw the WWE death segment this morning on the news i thought they were talking about vince mcmahons fake death. then they said ur name and ur wife and ur child i dont know what happened but whatever the problem was it should have been dealt with in another fashion. i grew up watching hulk hogan, andre the giant and wrestlers up to this day and i can honestly say that chris was the most energetic...im gonna give it my all type of wrestler he was the greatest in my opinion i will miss u much chris just like the rest of rabid wolverines may you be the greatest champ in heaven next to god and im sure he will protect you as well. to mrs. benoit and ur child may god be with them as well...we love u chris and we will be waiting ur return to the ring..........
Rob

That last comment bothered Assman so much that he had to address it with his own post here.

e.g. we love u chris and we will be waiting ur return to the ring.......... Rob

Assman: I certainly hope you won't be doing that, Rob, because that would be the most disgusting return ever. Here's what you should be waiting for instead, buddy... a school bus.

It became a forum for people to question the legitimacy of the easiest crime investigation in history…

I don't really believe that Benoit would kill his family, then himself. He loved his family and he isn't the type to kill his own family. I saw the news today and they think that Benoit was on steroids. I don't think that was the case though. He will be missed dearly and I feel bad for Chris's family, mostly his mom and dad. They probably took it the hardest. HBK also took it hard, as he was also dealing with Sensational Sheri's death.When I watched Raw last night, Edge, Chavo Guerrero, and a whole bunch of people were crying. Rest in peace Chris Benoit and may God be with you.

It became a forum to vindicate a guy who just killed his wife and child…

regardless of the circumstances surrounding their deaths, you guys cannot argue that Chris Benoit was not a great wrestler,friend and dad. a weekend may ruin his reputation as a person but until you walk in his shoes and live his life lets remember him as the rabid wolverine, obviously he was well respected in the wrestling community-monday proved that-so for the sake a lifetime of good
Chris Benoit was the best of the best!!!
lifetime versus weekend???? think about it.

Think about it.

¬- I BELIEVE NANCY KILLED DANIEL AND CHRIS KILLED NANCY, nancy called chris and told him he needed to coem hoem cuz there was a family emergency. either daniel accidently killed himself, or nancy killed him in rage cuz he was autistic. i bet nancy told chris she found daniel dead, chris wasnt buying it and then killed nancy. how can police really tell when nancy and daniel died come on, theres no proof. daniel died first

Basically, it became a forum to spew general retardation in a manner the likes of which we never could have imagined existed…

-Dame Chris Benoit you were the best there ever was why did you have to die?

- RESPECT THE DEAD AND TRY NOT TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE A JACKASS IN THE PROCESS.......

- he was loved and he loved them....even though things turned out the way they did

- but it couldnt have been the outbursts of rage cuz of the closed bibles left next to the dead bodies

- Why would benoit give up his shot for the ECW belt when he had it right there in his hands. I hope that they find out what really happened over the weekend. He was a hero to many...and no matter what always will be.

- For all we know it could have been a suicide pact, look at Sid and Nancy they loved each other beyond belief.

- What someone allegedly does in a weekend should not tarnish the legacy he built while he was alive.

- i dont thank he did it he will always be the greatest and vince can kiss my ass i hope they find out what really happen im his number one fan and still is hell ya

- OUR WORLD SUCKS WE SHOUD JUST ACCEPT CHRIST AS OUR PERSONAL SAVIORS BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.

- Chris why did you die if you don't come back to smackdown you want get your champship you are not my fan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!

Okay, I could go on and on here. That's just a small sample. I really can’t pick out a favorite. I think Assman summed it up best on day three…”Almost died again. You'd think that at some point this would stop being the funniest thing on the planet, but nope.” There it is.

What did we learn on 6/26/07? Well some of us have young children and we learned that our new mission is life is to prohibit them from ever being exposed to MySpace in any way. We learned that people can be jaded in ways that we previously never could have fathomed. We learned that the CAPS LOCK key really helps you get your point across. Most importantly, we learned that a properly executed cross-face crippler from a rabid wolverine can not only break someone's neck, it can steal your fucking soul.

Happy Benoit Day everyone!!!

Comments

[SL22]

FIRST!!!!!!111

I mean, uh, sorry. I just got caught up in the Myspacity of the situation for a second there.

[ASSMAN]

THAT WAS AWESOME. HAPPY BENOIT DAY TO EVRY1.

[Mr. Kruger]

Most importantly, we learned that a properly executed cross-face crippler from a rabid wolverine can not only break someone's neck, it can steal your fucking soul.

I have no idea what the fuck that means by I'm laughing my ass off.

[Schmoopie]

Let us not judge MySpace and The Airing of Grievances based on that one week in June of last year. lifetime versus week???? think about it.

I think the aliens killed Chris Benoit and his family. Or the government. Or maybe O.J. The point is, nobody really knows what happened that day.

[Art Vandelay]

I have no idea what the fuck that means

I'm not really sure I do either.

lifetime versus week???? think about it.

That one will never get old. I can't believe it's been a year already.

[phil]

"Here's what you should be waiting for instead, buddy... a school bus."

Damn, I think I finally got my breath back. My face still hurts though.

[Art Vandelay]

Damn, I think I finally got my breath back. My face still hurts though.

That whole post is filled with gems. I've read it like 38 times and I'm still in tears every time...

then they said ur name and ur wife and ur child i dont know what happened but whatever the problem was it should have been dealt with in another fashion.

But this statement addresses the idea that a famous person was found dead in an apparent murder-suicide and... somehow... reporting this on the news was the inappropriate way to proceed. Perhaps we could have found out about it at the next pay-per-view, after Randy Orton brought his corpse into the ring to pin it?Maybe the WWE could have sent the Brooklyn Brawler around door to door with an informative pamphlet? Could we all have gotten text messages saying "yo - crippla is teh d3adn355 - $vince"? What would have been a more appropriate way to disperse this news than.... I dunno... putting it on the news?

As dumb as it is, the visual of Randy Orton carrying Benoit's corpse into the ring to pin it kills me. You could almost see McMahon actually considering it for a minute.

[Dr. Strangejazz]

Doing my best Ron Simmons impression:

Damn.

[Jack Klompus]

Excellent commemoration, Vandelay. And thanks for not denying us BBQ. Freedom.

That post is like a classic flick wherein you pick up new things after having not seen it for a while.

Example:

WE ALWAYS JUMP TO QUICK CONCLUSIONS

"Quick" was an important distinction because otherwise we would have been left thinking it was a long and drawn-out, very deliberate jump. (Yes I realize what/who I am scrutinizing here -- Ima gonna do it anyway.)

EVEN IF HE DID I AM SURE SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH HIM SOMEHOW SOME WHERE i AM JUST GLAD I GOT TO MEET HIM BEFORE HE LEFT US.

My heart sometimes aches when I realize I didn't get to meet Ted Bundy. I think something may have been wrong with him.

...HOPEFULLY HIM AND EDDIE ARE HAVING A GOOD ONE RIGHT NOW

Yeah, fellas. Have a good rot.

[phil]

"...will u all please stop jumping to conculsions?"

I did it. I read the first three pages. After I got the O2 tank, I came back to the computer.

Yes, people are very, very stupid. God, I wish I had been here that day.

[Art Vandelay]

He will be missed dearly and I feel bad for Chris's family, mostly his mom and dad. They probably took it the hardest.

I love the idea that his mom and dad took it harder than his wife and kid.

[SL22]

11 comments!?!?! What the f, people? It's just not the same this year....*sigh*

[sancarloskid]

Somebody ought to post this column onto a Chris Benoit fan's tribute page to get the party started... again.

[Dr. Tim Whatley]

i think that ur redickulous with this post vandelay chris benoit was not only the greatest rassler of all time but he was an insparational human being who loved his family so much he went rambo on them but it more imprtant that he wore tights and wolvering! so we could hoot and holler and wear black tshirts with ripped jeans

I can't keep a straight face while writing this. Nice work.

[phil]

Good try, Dr. T. I think it has to just come naturally.

So, on from here?