Since We're Talking Golf...

I gotta lot of problems with golfers.  Not all of them.   Maybe not even you, Joe Golfer. 

Let me put something out there so you don't take me the wrong way.  I love golf like few others I know.  I love playing it, reading about it, writing about it (shameless plug), talking about it, whatever.  I even enjoy watching it, and not just to let the dulcet tones of Jim Nantz lull me into a Sunday afternoon nap.  On weekend's of big tournaments, my wife is a golf widow and I never leave the house.

My problem isn't with the pros and there's a very simple reason for that , outside of their ridiculous skill: they count them all.  Granted, it's a lot easier to figure out if you had birdie or par than if you have to take one penalty stroke or two for grounding your club in the bunker -- it's two, or loss of hole in match play --  to see if you saved double-bogey or if you have to take the triple. 

That's my point, though. More often than not, at least with the guys I play with, those strokes never get counted.  Part of it is ignorance, part of it is ambivalence.  I get that.  Go ahead; keep your score how you feel.  Just don't say, when we get to the next tee and I push the tee into the ground and prepare to hit first (bogey golfers up!), "Hey, Puddy, did you beat par?"

No, I didn't, and neither did you.  Nor did you shoot an "88," unless you're just going by the snowmen you carded on 17 and 18.  Oh, that's right, those were sixes.  Those tee shots in the drink were mulligans.  I keep forgetting.

I want you to keep score how you want.  I want you to feel good enough about your game to keep asking me to play.  Just don't say you beat me with your "88" when I took three penalties for OB on the back nine and shot a 91, clean.  You want to move your ball, fine, but don't try to tell me to move mine when I decide to punch out after laying up next to a pine tree.  You want someone to stop your ball from rolling fifteen feet past, fine, but don't think I want the same thing if I putted it that way.  I hit a bad shot.  I don't need you helping it out. 

I understand we're not pros.  We're just there to have fun.  Unfortunately or not, however, I like to know what I'm shooting, so I can tell if I am improving.  That never seems to be the case, but still. 

You (global "you" to the stroke shavers) play a game with which I am not familiar, to borrow from Bobby Jones.  Well, that's not true; in fact I'm very familiar with it.  Maybe I should borrow from another wise and prescient person, yet more contemporary:  "You're very good at a game I don't want to play."

That's Gabriella, speaking to Sharpay, in High School Musical 2.  Like you didn't know that.

I'll play my game, you play yours.  You can shoot your 88's but don't say you're beating me.  You're not.  I'm the one that ends up with an honest 91.  And Troy Bolton.  Those eyes, they're just dreamy.

Comments

[Jack Klompus]

"Just don't say, when we get to the next tee and I push the tee into the ground and prepare to hit first (bogey golfers up!), "Hey, Puddy, did you beat par?""

Unless you're playing for money, ready-golf should always be the rule. So if someone has the nerve to bark about it, it's your responsiblity to bitch slap them and remind them their man boobs are not sponsored by KPMG -- so it doesn't matter who goes first.

"I understand we're not pros. We're just there to have fun. Unfortunately or not, however, I like to know what I'm shooting, so I can tell if I am improving."

Do you have a Wall of Gaylord for your scorecards?

[puddy]

spreadsheet. but maybe I will wallpaper with it someday.

[Jack Klompus]

My solution to this (since I generally golf with the same group of people) is to play for money. Even if it's a paltry amount. Foot wedges, free drops, and extra mulligans don't even make it onto the radar since everyone knows they'll get laughed at.

[Art Vandelay]

Puddy, if you're playing from the blues while you're friends are playing from the whites, it's not a competition anyway.

I'm very competitive by nature but golf is probably the only sport where I could care less. The only thing I'm competing against is my own standard which is pretty simple:

Triple digits: I suck balls.
Double digits: I'm awesome.

[Gary]

Klompus has the only solution to this problem I have ever seen work.

I remember this older guy with a really low (supposedly) cap, that told me, after having a particularly horrific hole, where a snowman would have been welcome, "I can't take more than a 6." It wasn't even worth going there.

[phil]

Like Puddy suggests, if you didn't really have the score, you didn't have it. Can you really even lie to yourself and believe it? Actually, a lot of golfers seem to be able to do that.

[Art Vandelay]

"I can't take more than a 6." It wasn't even worth going there.

Yes, someone pulled this on me once as well. I could have cared less but I think it's ludicrous. How the fuck can a handicap inhibit you from taking anything higher than a double? That's like the opposite of a handicap. It's a crutch.

[puddy]

for the record, and for handicapping purposes, my round was an 89, because I did have two triples. However, I shot a 91, which didn't affect my handicap much at all.

[puddy]

for the record, and for handicapping purposes, my round was an 89, because I did have two triples. However, I shot a 91, which didn't affect my handicap much at all.

that's not very clear, but when I put the score in I did cap the two triples at doubles. That's in place so people's handicaps don't fluctuate wildly, which would be bad for sanctioned handicapped tournaments. guy can post a few bad rounds cause he had a bad wrist and his handicap goes up, so he gets three more strokes per round and whips his flight when they weren't accurate representations of skill. But I would never say I shot an 89 the other day. I shot a 91 but inputted 89 for handicap purposes.

[Jackie]

I can not feel your post anymore, Puddy. Spot on.

Played with some clown the other day who was taking about 2.7 drives per tee, never making any putts, and claming he regularly breaks 100.

Final straw for me was when I (as scorekeeper) for the day asked his score after a 440 yard par 4 on the back and he says "4" without batting an eyelash (when he had a about a six.)

You wanna cheat and boost up your score, not take any triples and such, fine. But claiming "par," when you do not make par is completely unacceptable.

[Babu]

"Played with some clown the other day who was taking about 2.7 drives per tee, never making any putts, and claming he regularly breaks 100."

So with you on that Jackie. Couple friends I play with pull that shit on the reg, then claim pars and bogeys on holes...come on. I talk to them and they brag about their sub-100 rounds. I take that with a large grain of salt, like Rushmore size large.

Personally, I keep semi-honest score, I give myself one mulligan per 9 holes, and only off the tee. I really only end up using one every 18. I figure that is close enough. I am certainly not shooting 91's though, I am ecstatic if I break 100, happens about twice a year.

Puddy, just play against yourself and ignore the others, its what I do and I don't stress about it.

[puddy]

I try. But hen we get back to work and they start telling everyone else about "kicking my ass" it gets old.

[Jack Klompus]

"But hen we get back to work and they start telling everyone else about "kicking my ass" it gets old."

So do you just stay mum on his childish cheating exploits while he's spouting off in front of everyone? I would think calling him out on his bitch rules would shut him up (even just a little bit). If not, then you either need to stop playing golf with him, or Ike Turner him. Either way, quit being such a lady.

[Jackie]

I am 100% with Klompus. A "call out" is completely appropriate, and pretty much obligatory.

[Art Vandelay]

I say Sergio doesn't make the cut.

[Jack Klompus]

"I say Sergio doesn't make the cut."

Well apparently most Europenises aren't circumcised anyway.

[Jackie]

Well apparently most Europenises aren't circumcised anyway.

How's your boy Ronaldo?

[puddy]

Klompus,

The "hes" in question are my bosses and don't care when I laugh when they say what they had.

I quit trying to "honest him up" but it got old.

Also, I'm pretty sure I don't like you.

[Jack Klompus]

"The "hes" in question are my bosses and don't care when I laugh when they say what they had"

That's because history has shown them you're a mouse.

"Also, I'm pretty sure I don't like you."

Fair enough. I'm not responsible for your yearly reviews. But, at least I don't cheat at golf. Most would agree that cheating at golf is the sign of a slimy fuckin weasel. So you get to depend on a slimy fuckin weasel for your career advancement. Life is good.

[Dr. Tim Whatley]

I am a scratch golfer. And by scratch I mean that I get cuts and shit on my legs from retrieving balls from the damn woods all day long.

[Jackie]

So you get to depend on a slimy fuckin weasel for your career advancement.

Who doesn't?

[Steve H]

I rarely take triples, either. It's usually the straight double-par for me.