So Where's MY Apology?

I was just reading John Tomase's apology to the fans of the greatest team in the history of anything ever and as MJD has pointed out, they're not exactly accepting it with open arms...

It's not going to wash Mr. Tomase!!!!! You committed news falsification. There is no journalistic requirement to protect a source that provides a lie!!!!!!!!!! Maybe the government's witness protection program may provide you some shelter but Boston sports fans will not!!!!!!!! A reckless "reporter" added to negligent editors equals NO CREDIBILITY!!!!!!

Good times. Anyway, this got me to thinking...how on god's green earth did we reach the point where Masshole Patriots fans are the ones being apologized to? I mean if Tomase really owes anyone an apology, shouldn't it be Belichick or would apologizing to that cocksucker for wrongfully accusing him of cheating just sound stupid? By the way...that source? It's Walsh. How does anyone think it wasn't Walsh? The story about the walk through gets written 3 months ago citing an unnamed source, Walsh comes public and says I wasn't that source which coincides with Tomase's admission that it was a fallacy? Really? Nobody else sees this? I digress.

So now Patriots fans get their apology from Tomase supposedly for ruining what otherwise would have certainly been their best weekend ever. So while the true victims in this matter have now been vindicated, what about the fans of other teams? Doesn't somebody owe us an apology for having to endure these motherfuckers and their little faux-dynasty for almost a decade? Aren't we at least owed something by the man for exposing us to a product whereby our teams were handicapped resulting in numerous losses to a team that was cheating the whole time? No people...you don't cheat because it doesn't influence the outcomes of games. It's a little like that except the complete opposite.

So since everyone is starting to accept accountability, I'm publically requesting a call from one Bill Belichick tonight when I get home complete with a full apology and a tearful resignation. Because, he obviously reads this blog. I gotta pick up my grape-nut eating fuck of a brother at the airport at 6:30, so anytime after 7:15 should be good. I expect it to go something like this.

(phone rings)
Me: Hello.
BB: Hi. Art?
Me: Yes.
BB: Art Vandelay?
Me: Uh-huh.
BB: Yeah Art, this is coach Belichick. Listen, since I'm always preaching accountability to my players and everyone I meet really, I've decided it would be best to start practicing it myself.
Me: Okay...
BB: I'm reaching out to every fan of every team that I ever beat to apologize to them for committing game falsification.
Me: Game falsification? Really? Okay...go ahead.
BB: Well I got your name from the Steelers season ticket waiting list, which by the way...good luck with that. They'll come in handy when you finally get them when you're 82. Anyway, here's the thing. Those games, and specifically AFC Championship games...the one's that get you in the Super Bowl...we were cheating our asses off!
Me: Ha! Yeah, I think I heard something about that.
BB: That 2004 team that sodomized us on Halloween? We got EVERYTHING that game. I know what the scoreboard said but trust me...we were the real winners and certainly showed it later that year. Regarding 2001...I don't even know where to begin. Remember when Hines Ward said that it seemed like we knew what play was coming on every down? Well DUH!!! What the hell made anyone think that we were gonna come in there and be able to beat the team with the #1 rushing game and #1 defense in the NFL anyway? Dude, our team sucked that year! We shouldn't have obtained 1 single yard of offense in that game! You actually believed that shit about not being able to match our intensity? Really Vandelay? I mean...REALLY??? What are you fucking retarded or something? You know what, you deserve to live with our obnoxious fans you gullible fucknut! WHAT THE HELL VANDELAY!!! How did you even graduate high school? You don't deserve my apology. I pity you. I SERIOUSLY...FUCKING...PITY...YOU!!!! I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW, VANDELAY!!! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR CATS AND THEN I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR WIFE!!! I WILL FUCK HER BLUE!!! I MIGHT EVEN SUGGEST THE SPANISH ONION! LOL!!!! THEN IT'S ONTO YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! REMEMBER THAT DUDE FROM ONE OF THOSE INDY JONES FLICKS THAT PULLED THE OTHER DUDE'S HEART OUT OF HIS CHEST? THAT'S ME NOW, BIATCH! I AM GONNA EAT YOUR HEART AND THEN I'M GONNA INSERT A FEEDING TUBE INTO YOUR LIVER AND DRINK YOUR BILE!!! I'LL JUST DRAG YOUR PATHETIC BLOODY CORPSE WITH ME EVERYWHERE I GO AND LIVE OFF OF YOUR BILE FOR NOW ON , VANDELAY! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE HOPING TO ACHIEVE WITH THIS CALL?
Me: Ummm...No...you called me.
BB: I own you. I own your soul.

So really...I don't think I'm asking too much here. Make it happen, Bill.

Yes, Assman...it was a fumble.

Comments

[Dolores]

You need professional help!

[Assman]

I'm not sure Dolores is pleased with the idea of a white hot Belichick suggesting the spanish onion to her. That's enough to make a grown woman crazy.

And I also wonder who the apology is intended for here. Yes, the Pats cheated. They were caught cheating. They cheated on a bunch of occasions. There is evidence of the cheating. There was admission and an apology for the cheating. So, this guy makes an error about one occasion on which they were not cheating, and suddenly HE'S the asshole? Like, yeah, they cheated, but he's an asshole for screwing up and suggesting they cheated one time they weren't?

[Art Vandelay]

I'm not sure Dolores is pleased with the idea of a white hot Belichick suggesting the spanish onion to her.

Unfortunately, she knows just where that leads. Although the mere thought of Belichick and my wife sitting on the couch at 3 a.m. watching old episodes of Hunter on TiVo is hilarious to me.

[phil]

Vandelay, "you have my deepest and most contrite apology." My fishing buddy, Bill B. told me to relay that.

Hope it helps a little.

[Dr. Tim Whatley]

When do I get my apology from Bill Ford for being a Lions fan?

The Patriots may have cheated, sure, but the Lions have sucked for FIVE DECADES!

Wait.

Make that six.

[Mr. Kruger]

Vandelay, I heard from an insider last week that Senator Arlen Specter is looking for an independent counsel to head up the Spy-gate investigation. Moonlighting opportunity dude.