Observations From the Land of Polyethylene Farm Animals

One quick grievance to start...

- I'm a really fast walker. I don't think I've ever actually been passed by another walker. I've often referred to this as a curse whereupon my wife serves me up this big ass slice of perspective pie by informing me that there are people who will never walk a step for their entire lives and I'm complaining about my legs moving too fast? While that may be true, it loses it's luster coming from someone who can't even crack a smile when their cell phone accidentally gets flushed down a toilet.

It's not so much that I'm trying to win anything but unlike most theme park tourists, I have a purpose. I think that when you're paying such a stupid amount of money to be entertained by a theme park, it's important to implement a process and be deliberate with your intentions in order to maximize it's resources. Unfortunately, I'm alone on this. Everyone else seems to be in a complete fog.

You know how when you're driving and you'd like to switch lanes, you'll always look in the mirrors and maybe take a quick peak back to make sure you're not gonna hit someone coming up behind you? Why does this not apply to walkers? When did it become okay to just drift along aimlessly colliding into people and slowing down everyone who is actually trying to get somewhere? What I've determined is that the only motivation that people have for watching where they're going in a car is to not die and/or to not get a ticket for reckless driving. If courtesy were a factor, why wouldn't it apply when you're on your feet? Unfortunately, that type of courtesy is governed only by common sense and to quote Mama Chiles..."common sense ain't that common."

This also applies to the fuckers at work who walk side by side taking up the whole hallway or staircase while moving along at a snail's pace without a care in the world of who's trying to get by. You're the bane of my existence. Now that I got that off my chest...

- Either Massholes really, really, really love Disney World or the Red Sox are officially the most popular team in the country. I could not believe all the people wearing Sox gear. You couldn't turn your head an inch without seeing them. They're everywhere. I was at least happy to see that Walt had already made it clear that we were in Steeler Country.

- If you live anywhere near one of their 20 or so worldwide locations and you're looking for a fresh dining experience, you can do a lot worse than the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. They got all kinds of shrimp. Gumbo shrimp, shrimp creole, cajun shrimp, baked stuffed shrimp, shrimp scampi, coconut shrimp, shrimp cocktail, just shrimp. Seriously though...awesome food, great service, and incredible atmosphere. Twenty ounce Yuenglings don't hurt either.

- Every time I travel, I'm amazed at all of the people who have no idea where or what Rhode Island is. I can confidently say that about 30% of this country is completely unaware that it's an actual state. The waiter at BGSC asked me if we were closer to the one in New York or the one in Orlando. Some guy at a pizza place thought it was some sort of coincidence that I'm from RI because his wife is from New Jersey. This brings me to something else...

- People from the south are so fucking nice. For as much as the tourists in Orlando are ignorant and inconsiderate, the people that live and work there are so friendly and cheerful. It seems like they're the ones that have an excuse to be miserable. You could make the claim that it's in their best interest to be that way but this is the case everywhere I go in the South. People are just genuinely nice. It's weird.

- I would rank the Orlando rollercoasters as follows:

1. Dueling Dragons (Islands of Adventure)
2. Everest (Animal Kingdom)
3. Revenge of the Mummy (Universal Studios)
4. The Hulk (Islands of Adventure)
5. Aerosmith (MGM)
6. Space Mountain (Magic Kingdom)

Virtual Reality rides:

1. Soarin' (Epcot)
2. Spiderman (Islands of Adventure)
3. Mission Space (Epcot)
4. The Simpsons (Universal Studios)

- While looking at the Kymoto Dragon at Animal Kingdom, a lady who works there proceeds to tell us all about him. Apparently, he's the deadliest creature on the planet. His saliva has like 800 different kinds of bacteria and exposure to his bite results in one of the most heinous deaths one could possibly imagine. She then tells us that they're going extinct and asks for donations to save them. Isn't that sort of an odd sales pitch? Call me insensitive, but I kinda sorta don't mind if they go extinct. I'm really all for anything that decreases the chances of me suffering death by dragon.

- To the newlyweds that walk around Disney World wearing grooms' hats and veils with mouse ears, for the love of god...just stop.

- Finally, regarding that eighty-four comment "Mirage" post down there that occurred when I was on vacation, I think some good alternate titles could have been Let's Treat The Fact That Vandelay Called This Over A Month Ago Like That Big Fat Pink Elephant In The Room or perhaps Instead Of Getting Our Panties In A Bunch The Next Time Vandelay Shows Any Concern Over Obama's Campaign, We Should Just Treat Him As The Omniscient Being That We All Know He Is.

Just sayin'.

Comments

[Dr. Tim Whatley]

I love the fact that you dropped a Yuengling reference in here. Where I hail from, nobody knows what the hell it is or where it comes from. Good Ol' Pottsville, PA!

Here's to you chucking a shoe at the next wedding couple you see wearing that ridiculous gear down there, Vandelay.

[jackie]

No that your walk-nazism is clear, it's no surprise you are no fan of the crowded streets of NYC.

No credit to Floridians for being the happy wanderers. You live in the sun all day every day you have an unfair advantange when it comes to disposition.

Did you hit that free fall elevator deal? Thought that was pretty cool.

No mention of the 3-D and 4-D shows? Inexcusable.

[Jack Klompus]

"but this is the case everywhere I go in the South. People are just genuinely nice."

Don't be fooled. I used to believe that as well. It's one of the reasons I moved here. But sadly, it's a Machiavellian facade. Behind all the sugared pecans and sweet tea are the cattiest, backstabbingest motherfuckers you ever meet. Next time you get all mushy over a "how y'all doin" -- remember that they actually don't care how you're doing. They're really asking "what the fuck are you doing here you Yankee-ass carpetbagger." Keep your guard up, Vandelay.

[jackie]

As for your purported omniscience, I'm calling a very hearty bullshit.

You expressed personal concerns about Obama perhaps having an anti-whtite agenda based on the speakings of Wright (none of which you could specify when pressed as anti-white, rather than anti-govt.)

You did not, however, express a concern that his campaign would take a hit based on Wright or just simply that Wright is a clown.

Apples and Bowling Balls.

[Assman]

But sadly, it's a Machiavellian facade. Behind all the sugared pecans and sweet tea are the cattiest, backstabbingest motherfuckers you ever meet.

Truer words have never been spoken. Southerners are always visibly nice to their neighbors and visitors, but really, really, really hate everyone they ever see.

[Jack Klompus]

"Apparently, he's the deadliest creature on the planet."

Apparently, she's either mistaken or lying. While it ranks on the list of creatures not to fuck with, it's not even in the top 10 deadliest.

"Instead Of Getting Our Panties In A Bunch The Next Time Vandelay Shows Any Concern Over Obama's Campaign, We Should Just Treat Him As The Omniscient Being That We All Know He Is."

Speaking of panties in a bunch. Are you that starved for recognition?

[Art Vandelay]

Here's to you chucking a shoe at the next wedding couple you see wearing that ridiculous gear down there, Vandelay.

...and at least they have an excuse. You wouldn't even believe all the couples that match their outfits. When did this become acceptable? Would anyone here actually walk around in public with their spouse wearing Thing 1 and Thing 2 t-shirts?

Truer words have never been spoken. Southerners are always visibly nice to their neighbors and visitors, but really, really, really hate everyone they ever see.

I'm telling you, I think the ones I met are genuinely nice. What could possibly be their motivation to be phony towards a complete stranger?

[Art Vandelay]

Are you that starved for recognition?

Nah...just fucking around. Chiles actually makes a good point.

[Art Vandelay]

Apparently, she's either mistaken or lying. While it ranks on the list of creatures not to fuck with, it's not even in the top 10 deadliest.

I may have embellished a bit there. She probably said "one of the deadliest." I'm sure it wasn't 800 kinds of bacteria either. She was sort of fading in and out.

What defines that anyway? The most human kills?

[phil]

"She was sort of fading in and out."

Nah, you were just wishing you were in Yosemite with Kruger.

[Jack Klompus]

"What defines that anyway? The most human kills?"

Sometimes. Or it's just capability combined with probability. In which case, tree huggers automatically scream that humans are the dealiest creatures on the planet. But I think the scientific community usually has the mosquito listed #1 (if insects are being counted). Then you have shit like the hippo, jellyfish, cobra, great white shark, dart frog, etc.

[Art Vandelay]

Hippo? Get the fuck out.

[Schmoopie]

Vandelay, I hear you on the slow walkers. They're lucky they don't take a lead pipe to the back of the head, is what I say. (Here's a taxonomy of pedestrians, with all different modes of getting in my fucking way.)

I didn't know Yuengling until I visited the in-laws in Florida, and they sell it at the Wal-Mart and Ruby Tuesday. Why is a PA beer big in FL but unknown in IL?

BTW, it's spelled Komodo. That's my son's favorite animal. His favorite stuffed animal is a huggable Komodo dragon. Here's why I think Komodos are cool: A couple of the female dragons in captivity have managed to reproduce without sperm, laying a batch of self-fertilized eggs. Parthenogenesis rocks! And there's that great Sharon Stone story. And there's the fact (which we learned when my kid was researching his poster project for school) that baby Komodos have to climb trees right after they hatch or else the adults WILL EAT THEM. Oh, and there's this: Komodos don't like to eat poo, so (1) the babies may roll in poo to protect themselves and (2) Komodos can chomp down on a bunch of fresh intestines and shake 'em around to fling the poo everywhere, and they they eat the empties.

Komodo dragons have been known to eat children as well as trying to eat Sharon Stone's husband's foot.

I think the South can be scarier than Komodo dragons.

[Art Vandelay]

Schmoopie, that post on pedestrians is fantastic and nails every pedestrian transgression right on the head.

Now being omniscient and all, of course I know how to spell komodo but don't you think the way I spelled it is way cooler?

That Sharon Stone interview is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

What time of day was it?

Noon. And while I'm tourniquetting his foot and screaming for help, this whole baloney that there was nobody there, there was no time for anyone to see it, there were 10 kids, four adults, I mean, the whole cage was lined with little faces pressed against the glass. Very irresponsible.

She thinks the children watching a guy getting mauled by the dragon are irresponsible but not the guy that's actually getting mauled by the dragon?

[Assman]

I didn't know Yuengling until I visited the in-laws in Florida, and they sell it at the Wal-Mart and Ruby Tuesday. Why is a PA beer big in FL but unknown in IL?

Since the worst part of moving west (to me) was leaving Yuengling country, I emailed them to ask why they have limited distribution areas. They say they're working on it. It's just so damned good....

Hippo? Get the fuck out.

Did you know hippos can run 40 mph and fucking HATE people? Yeah, they kill more Africans than lions and blood diamonds combined.

I'm telling you, I think the ones I met are genuinely nice. What could possibly be their motivation to be phony towards a complete stranger?

Raised to keep up appearances, bred to be assholes.

[Art Vandelay]

Did you know hippos can run 40 mph and fucking HATE people? Yeah, they kill more Africans than lions and blood diamonds combined.

You people are completely destroying my case for omniscience.

I'm not sure if that's frightening or awesome. I need to watch more Discovery channel.

Aren't Hippos herbivores?

[Mr. Kruger]

The Sharon Stone interview is awesome.
Lesson #1: Animals with big teeth and claws use them at will and don't give a fuck how many Pulitzers you've won. Stay the fuck out of their way.

#2: If you're not planning on eating it leave it where it is and stay the fuck out of its way.

#3: If you feel threatened in any way, shape or form by a large animal there is a high probability it is considering you as a possible meal or beating the living crap out of you because you're making it nervous. In which case you should stay out of its way.

Don't fuck with the animals and everyone gets to live.

[Jack Klompus]

If you're just joining us, here's a game summary:

--Vandelay is about as omniscient as Sharon Stone.

--It's "komodo," not "kymoto."

--Hippos and Southerners are not as nice as you think they are.

--Yuengling is only served in swing states.

[Art Vandelay]

While my case for omniscience has certainly been trampled to death, I can in fact confidently declare that I'm an impeccable speller. To come up with "kymoto" I had to have seen it spelled that way. I refuse to take accountability for that one.

[Schmoopie]

Dude, "kymoto dragon" Googles up an infinitesimal 51 hits—one of them this post of yours. I don't think you saw it spelled that way. I think you're just influenced by your fondness for the Kyoto accord on climate change. It's very Al Gore of you.

Hippos don't eat the people, right? They just kill 'em for sport?

[Art Vandelay]

So this post from Yahoo Answers isn't doing much for my case?

Have you heard of the kymoto dragon. They don't look mythocal at all. They do not let out fire though.

[SL22]

"No credit to Floridians for being the happy wanderers. You live in the sun all day every day you have an unfair advantange when it comes to disposition."

You'd change your mind in August.

[jeffpotts77]

This post and all of the comments made my day.

[Jack Klompus]

"You live in the sun all day every day you have an unfair advantange when it comes to disposition"

That would explain the low crime rates and infrequency of student-teacher affairs -- because we never, ever hear about it in the news. But it's still no excuse for jorts.

[Jackie]

You'd change your mind in August.

Fair point.

I spent a few summers in Florida in my youth. Between the heat and the mosquitoes it could make a man justifiably homicidial.

[Faith]

I'm with Schmoopie on the hippo thing. I'm pretty sure that they kill humans because they hate them. Not because they want to eat them.

And I agree with jeffpotts about the post and the comments. Giggling all over the place over here...

[Art Vandelay]

If anyone hasn't read that Sharon Stone interview that Schmoopie posted, you must do so. That thing is gold.

They did some research to find out who had Komodo (sp?) Dragons but didn't do the research to find out that they'll try to eat you if you go near them? Just awesome.