Reason #19323 That You're Cooler Than Me

I'm not in the mood for another TMZ post, so here's a short story from this weekend. The moral of which can either be "don't do drugs" or "well, do drugs, but be just careful how you do them." I haven't quite decided yet.

So, Saturday morning, my brother called me and told me Lou Ferrigno was in town. Considering the SuperBowl is happening in about a week and celebrities from lists B through F are pretty much everywhere, I was fairly unimpressed. I mean, as a young dude, I was basically in brokeback-level love with the Incredible Hulk, so seeing Lou Ferrigno would have been as high up on my life achievement list as making out with Sheena Easton from the Bally's commercials, but just seeing the guy in a sea of losers at some parade somewhere? No thanks.

Then my brother stopped me. This wasn't a SuperBowl thing. This was the Phoenix Comicon, and he would be sitting in a booth where I could meet him, shake his hand and possibly ask him to toss a boulder into a car filled with villains trying to flee a bank robbery. Was I in? Absolutely.

By the way, my back hurts.

I don't know what's wrong with it, but it hurts. I may have slept on it funny or maybe wrenched it while tossing a boulder at a car full of villains, but either way, I've had to take painkillers off and on for a while now. Just before my brother and I took off for this comic book convention, I popped a couple of vicodins. I figured I'd be on my feet for a while, my back would start to hurt and it's best to take precautions. Plus, to be honest, I like being high. Get off my balls, cop.

And here's where the problem began. At these comic book conventions, people like to dress up as characters. I saw characters from video games, japanese anime, etc. all over the place. Maybe half the people there were in costume. There were more ninjas in the room than at Ra's Al Ghul's Christmas party. If you think there's a chance you could be standing next to a person dressed as Iron Man asking the 7-foot guy who played Chewbacca for his autograph that day, you should be sober. It's not good for your soul.

Of course, about 10 seconds after I got there, I wished I had brought my camera with me. Somehow, taking pictures of Venom with a Japanese maiden on a camera phone seems underwhelming.

Drugs aside, it was a complete nerd fest, but not a terrible experience. I got to have a conversation contrasting the artistic skills of Dale Keown and Todd MacFarlane with a guy that looked like Fat Weezer. I met a couple of people from New Mexico who own their own comic book company and started it... get this... as a way to meet girls. I posed for a picture with the Arizona Ghostbusters. I saw the first blue person in history that I'd ever have consentual sex with. Not a bad scene. Plus, I was by far the coolest guy in the room. Not something I get to say every day, or, you know, ever, but compared to the dudes all around me, I was practically Templeton Peck. That blue girl would have been Smurfing me in the back room if I asked her.

Probably the most entertaining area of the show was the game section. This was where nerds from all over the world came to compete against each other in tournaments playing things like Buffy the Board Game and Mech Warrior: Dark Age - which was like Risk except somehow even more nerdy and inexcusable. There was an area where kids played Dance Dance Revolution (by the way... nobody should be good at this. If you've dedicated enough time of your life toward this game to win a tournament, then you deserve the cobwebs growing between your balls and your zipper...) and another area where I saw a guy dressed up as Ken from Streetfighter playing some Streetfighter as Ryu... against Ken. This was so trippy and surreal that I kept waiting for a hippie to jump out from behind the projector screen and start talking about whether or not we knew a tree was a tree for any other reason besides the fact that we all mentally agree that it's a tree and not, say a boulder being thrown at a villain's car. It was such a transcendent moment that I wish I would have gotten a picture of it, but, unfortunately, I was sitting behind a panda.

But! Can't have too much "fun" here. I had to keep my eyes on the prize. I was there to meet Lou. I kept meandering my way through the apparent Stone Temple Pilots video back toward his booth. I couldn't be distracted. Not by stormtroopers taking a break from evil to talk about dodgeball. Not by the only non-blue person in the room that I was open to having consentual sex with. It was kinda hard, being high and all, but dammit, I made it.

And found out that it would cost me $20 to get a picture with the dude.

Now, if you think it was hard to keep from swallowing my tongue in anger at that moment, it was even harder to find an ATM. Everyone I asked about it just looked at me like I was dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood (even though there were like 3 people there dressed as Little Red Riding Hood) and had no idea where to direct me. Was I the only guy in the room that came without being handed a bunch of crumpled up dollars from his mom that morning? Do comic book nerds not have jobs or bank accounts? Astounding.

So, several minutes and heartbreaking costumes (that should have been illegal for these underaged girls to be wearing) later, I arrived back at Lou's table with some ATM cash. This was it. This was the moment I had been waiting for since 1982. Hey, Lou. My name is Assman. Wanna talk a bit? Maybe tear the ankles of your pants a bit and growl menacingly at a slum lord?

Nope. Not remotely. Lou didn't make eye contact with me. Barely acknowledged my existence. Couldn't have been any more bored with the whole idea of being Lou Ferrigno and being annoyed with nerds like me wanting to be around him. It was like being a lady having sex with James Blunt. Sure, I'm all impressed and thinking, "Hey, this is the nutsack of the guy that sings 'You're Beautiful!' I'm going to call this a sexual career highlight," but to him, you're just the 47th warm mouth that day.

So, $20 later, I left with a shitty Polaroid of me and Lou, where he couldn't even be bothered to look into the camera. I think I'll hang it in my office. And maybe throw a boulder at his car while it speeds away from the convention later.

I don't know how to end this story, but it ends here. Yeah.

Comments

[Craig]

Ok, I'm too lazy to read all this, but what I think I understood from that picture is that it cost you 20 bucks to get an out of focus picture of Lou Ferrigno hugging Hootie Darius Rucker?

[randi]

Am I making this up or isn't that guy deaf?

[Art Vandelay]

Why did you take a picture of Bruce Bowen and Lou Ferrigno?

"well, do drugs, but be just careful how you do them."

On the contrary, I'd say this was a near perfect use of narcotics. Could you imagine trying to make sense of that sober?

unfortunately, I was sitting behind a panda.

(still laughing)

I don't know how to end this story

I would have went with Lonely Man, which is exactly how you're gonna end up if you don't stop going to comic book conventions.

[Jack Klompus]

"I would have went with Lonely Man, which is exactly how you're gonna end up if you don't stop going to comic book conventions."

That's right, asshole. Stop going to nerdfests and start going to cooler events, like Rick Springfield concerts.

[Assman]

Darius Rucker. Bruce Bowen. Just once I'd like to get a Denzel.

Am I making this up or isn't that guy deaf?

Yeah, and he's not much of a talker because of it. All he could get out were grunts and moans that sounded, not surprisingly, very similar to a lot of the Hulk's dialogue from the TV show.

That's right, asshole. Stop going to nerdfests and start going to cooler events, like Rick Springfield concerts.

Considering this week in my town is basically going to be one giant Rick Springfield concert, it's probably going to happen.

[Art Vandelay]

Hey, I was the coolest person at that concert until my 5th gin and tonic...then it all went sour.

Assman, is the blue chick one of Jabba's bitches?

[Assman]

Assman, is the blue chick one of Jabba's bitches?

My brother clued me in. She's a Twi'lek. Whatever that is.

But let the record state that there was one girl there wearing Princess Leia's Jabba bikini and she couldn't have been older than 14.

[Art Vandelay]

The Twi'leks were most notably kept as slaves by the Hutts.

I rule.

[Schmoopie]

Cute sweater. And don't whine about who you look like. It could be worse. Would you want to be likened to Forest Whitaker or Flavor Flav?

I had a crush on Hulk-era Bill Bixby, but the man in green grunted too much.

Also? I went to a Rick Springfield concert for my 16th birthday.

[Jack Klompus]

"I went to a Rick Springfield concert for my 16th birthday."

Congrats, you're officially the oldest commenter here.

[Itchy]

unfortunately, I was sitting behind a panda.

(still laughing)

Me too. I have no idea what happened after that. The giggles emerged from the second I saw the back of that pandas head. They've not stopped. Oh.

[rbeshenk]

I'm extremely disappointed. If people are going to gather in large groups and dress in costume, there should at least be some S&M involved.

You're really lucky you're married, Assman. Otherwise you'd be about as likely to get laid as Salacious Crumb after this admission.

[Assman]

You're really lucky you're married, Assman. Otherwise you'd be about as likely to get laid as Salacious Crumb after this admission.

Jack Klompus can probably tell you about how often I get laid. This sort of thing has no bearing on my life.

[Jack Klompus]

"You're really lucky you're married, Assman."

Yeah, Assman, lucky you. And lucky her as well. I'd like to think that if you weren't married, attending any type of sci-fi event would never make it near your to-do radar.

[Art Vandelay]

Assman, I don't have any beans but if I did, I'd be taking them and listening to this recording of the isolated lyrics of Runnin with the Devil all day. Your welcome.

Copy and paste.

http://www.chunklet.com/images/upload/6/audio_file/Runnin'%20With%20The%20Devil.mp3