Still on Strike, but Scratching That Itch as Best I Can

Hey Grievers. It’s been too long – seriously. I’m sorry about that. No excuses for it other than the fact that I am a lazy fucking clown. But look, I’m a very busy man these days, so let’s get right down to it, shall we? Some big hearty EFF HUGHs from me to the following:

Anyone having anything to do with the ’08 presidential race – F all you bastards. I can’t even tell you how sick of this shit I am. We’ve got the 10 headed hydra we call “The Media” following this traveling circus around from Des Moines to Hanover, and the people who have a real say in who your choice is for the next President are the rejected extras from a Newhart episode. It’s all talk, and it’s all spin, and its tiresome and in the end, it’s hurting the country. I don’t know who I’m supporting for office next year yet, but I know this - Running for President is something only a crazy, deluded maniac would want to do, and because of that, our choices are limited the power-hungry, the cultists, the hypocrites and the mental defectives. It’s too expensive, and it’s too time consuming, and you still never get to any issues, because the majority of Americans would rather vote for somebody they could “have a beer with” than who could competently manage the executive branch

Time’s come to fix the primary process – here’s the Cozmo Plan:

1. People can’t “declare” their candidacy until January of the year before the race, not 22 months before the general election
2. 5 regional primaries will be run in two week increments during April/May of that year, and the order of those primaries will be rotated so that different regions will get their say first in different days
3. Conventions to be held in June and the general election to start in earnest after that.

We have I think we all can agree this is a better way, and now with the intertubes and internets, and what have you, candidates can indeed get out and touch voters more than ever before. Let's get it done, people.

People who seem outraged that “The Hills” is a sham – JE-2-da-BUS, you really can’t be that stupid. I didn’t watch 2 minutes of “Laguna Beach” before I figured out it was a goddamned farce (They change camera angles, people!). Even after they graduated from high school and started “real jobs”, people I know, smart people, still were convinced that it was real. Real story lines, real raw unscripted lives of well-to-do teenage douchepumps. And it’s taken US Weekly to convince you it’s a sham, you finally know the truth that’s been sitting right there in front of you. Frankly, I don’t know what is more depressing – that it’s taken you THREE YEARS to get there or because US Weekly is the sole arbiter of your critical thought processes? Ugh. Let’s move on.

James Dolan – Lock yourself in a room. With this. Use it. Seriously. The sooner the better.

George Mitchell – I’m on to you, muthafucka. Don’t pretend like you don’t have a vested interest in protecting clear juice-heads up in Boston like Tim Wakefield and Coco Crisp. I don’t care how long your term paper is, George – if you only have 2 sources, you are getting an incomplete. Get me the guy who gets Manny his horse tranquilizers from Columbia, and then I’ll believe you’re impartial.

Andy Pettitte – Why, Andy. F Clemens, Andy. Why you? I’m still depressed about this.

Captain Obvious – Err, you think so, Doctor?. I’m not satisfied either, Decider. Figure out when you are ready to Decide that this was a half baked idea and an amazingly broke-dick execution, and Decide to get our boys and girls home safe.

Hard Guys in Beat Up Old Cars – Seriously bro, just because you sport a 1990 Chevy Berretta, it doesn’t mean you can throw your weight around on the Deagan like you’re King Kong Bundy. Your Car was a POS when it was new, and now it’s just tragic. Nobody wants to be on the business end of something like this , so just take a pill and wait your turn.

Seamlessweb – FAH Q, seamlessweb.com. Making it so easy to order slop at my desk every night – and I just can’t do sashimi every day – so it’s Barbarini and Carl’s Steaks and Delmonicos, and the very worst choice, Burger Burger (where you can double up on on the 1/2 punder). Damn you, people. Damn you to hell.

and most of all – Cozmo Cramer – Seriously brah, you disgust me. First you don’t post for TEN MONTHS on the grievances, (which is probably for the best after enjoying the superb work from Assman, Klompus, Vandalay and now Crazy Joe), and you haven’t posted anything of import since last year’s Festivus. Then, you lose 36 pounds to trounce Chiles in the grudge match, then you have a kid, get a new job, and gain all but 5 lbs of it back. Listen, save the “working 20 hours a day” bullshit for someone who cares. Now you are gonna have to work just as hard to lose it as you did last time, and this time, Frank, Dr. Howard and Flash aren’t gonna be around to goad you into going to the gym every day. F you, seriously.

Comments

[membengal]

Great to hear from you, Coz.

[Assman]

I expect some drugs on my desk by the morning.

[jackie]

"Then, you lose 36 pounds to trounce Chiles in the grudge match, then you have a kid, get a new job, and gain all but 5 lbs of it back."

Revisionist history, my friend. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Let's be real here. Your fat ass squeaked it out.

Nice to see you step up. Type Pad had contacted us about revoking your posting privileges.

[Flash]

Awww, I'll still be around to get in your face, Coz! Just this morning I thought about sending you a text message to see if you'd rolled your gelatin ass to a gym lately. But then I figured your hands were too greasy and bloated from that egg biscuit to pick up the phone.

[Eli]

"5 regional primaries will be run in two week increments during April/May of that year, and the order of those primaries will be rotated so that different regions will get their say first in different days"

Looks good on paper, but try getting the two whitest states (NH, IA) in the nation to sign on. The White Mountains would be running red with the blood of hapless politicians. "Live Free or Die" baby.