SL22 Has a Stone in his Shoe

I give you the incomparable SL22... aka Gunpowder Jones...

I hate how I feel forced to grieve. I love everything and everybody. God created all men equal. And he created women so that we could have sex with them. And on Thursday he rested. Amen.

My first grievance is with people who are all outward with their religions when the situation they are describing is something that God clearly couldn't care less about. For example, Tim Tebow after winning the Heisman. God does not care, Tim. Your faith was not what netted you this award. It was your 40+ TDs against SEC competition. And if God carried you to this award, why did he spite the Tennessee DBs along the way? Is God just a big fan of offense? I doubt it. God only bets on horses…you can ask your local congressman. That's why he called Barbaro up so tragically early. If God really had a hand in your success, Tebow, then you wouldn't be good at football. You'd be good at something like AIDS research. Why does God hate Africa?

Second, I have a bone to pick with work. Work, you fucking suck. If only you could have been around with me when I was in college…dude, you would have had a great time. Maybe you would have lightened up a bit and relaxed. You know, I don't like getting up in the morning and going in and making spreadsheets. Did you ever care to think about that? And you act like I feel obligated to you because you share a little bit of your money with me. Dude, did you even see my car before it broke down? It had no air conditioning. Or paint. Have you even been outside? Do you realize we are in Florida, work? Remember back in June when we were out in the warehouse for a week? Do you remember how hot it gets down here? No A/C?! Come on, work! I don't like to come home dripping in sweat, smelling like Marge Schott's vagina. You prick.

Thirdically, to the wiminz of South Florida. You really need to spend less time posing for Myspace pictures and more time touching my penis. How can you go out for one night, to the same place you always go, with the same people you always go with, and end up filling up your camera? What the hell are you taking a picture of? That's real cool that you all got some free mixed drinks from the bartender. Oh, they are really strong too, huh? You're so cool! What's that? You didn't know that they were strong just so you couldn't taste the roofies? Fuck, man. That sucks. I guess I'll be introducing you to my penis later on, as I just got a nice room in the apartment and I'll probably have a new car soon as well. A fucking Acura! Keep the window down, you look like you might get sick.

Florida drivers. For real. What the hell is wrong with you idiots? How do you flip over a Chevy Cavalier on a residential road? I-95 has five lanes. Why can't you just pick one? I guess it's because some retiree named Sid is driving his Lincoln Towncar 35 mph in the middle lane. And why doesn't this state has inspections? Nobody has insurance, and nobody has tires with any tread left on them. You can drive anything down here. I've seen some trucks that Stevie Wonder would be embarrassed to ride shotty in. Whatever.

And in the end, I'd like to let Freeman (the convention people) know how much they suck. You people are a drain on the economy. You take money in, and you provide nothing for it. I sit there for 6 hours during the last night of my only trip to NYC ever, wasting good drinking time, and you finally bring me my crate. And you broke the door. And to help me fix it, you want to charge me $100. Just to send a parolee with a screwdriver over to drill it back in. But you broke it. And you took 6 hours to get it back to me, because you stacked every crate behind one door. And you broke it. But I guess this is our fault. I don't even have anything clever to say about Freeman, I just really hate them. I have legitimate hatred towards them. And I don't usually hate things or people or whatever. But fuck you, Freeman. Luckily, it's not my money, because for that kind of scratch I would expect them to come up with a cure for Lou Gehrig's disease or something like that. I guess it takes a Master's degree to operate a forklift these days. Whatever. I'm going to go to sleep and dream about a lesbian rendezvous between Marge Schott and Georgia Frontiere or whatever else these sleeping pills put in my head.

UPDATE!!!

Today made me realize that I do have an actual, real grievance. I want to punch my roommate in the face.

Unfortunately, she's a chick. So I can't.

Today, I had the privilege of waking up early and taking her to the airport. Let me set up some background info on our new roommate. She likes to try and impress people. She was asked by another friend of ours if she went to college or was going, and she mentioned how she isn't quite done yet, but came down here but her professors are letting her finish out her classes from Florida (she went to college in PA). When told that that was a pretty sweet deal, she said, "yeah, well, when you are as smart as I am and are in the top 10% of your class, they'll make exceptions like that for you". The law was the only thing preventing me from cock-whipping her in the face. Plus, she went to Slippery Rock. Slippery Rock has one of the finest chemistry programs in the state, as long as you like making crystal meth. Miss South Carolina has probably turned down a scholarship to the Rock.

So, I didn't cock-whip her in that situation. Later, another friend asked her what she did, and she said that her job is very complicated and she can't really explain it. I still haven't heard what she does. But I'm sure it's real important. Still, no cock-whipping.

Later, she came into my room to copy Superbad onto my computer. I told her that I was probably going to put it on a DVD, and she said, "but it's an avi file". She said avi as "aw-vee". I explained that they make DVD burners nowadays that can turn anything with motion in it into a DVD. She still goes on about "you can't put an aw-vee file on a DVD". God. Yes, you can. You can put anything on a DVD. They make programs that decode the files. They have for years. Stop trying to sound smart. I asked her if she knew how burning an audio CD went, because it was sort of like that. She says, "I have an MP3 head unit in my car, my CDs have 160 songs on them" all condescendingly. I was thisclose to cock-whipping her in the face right on the spot. Wow, congratulations. Your CD player is awesome. I have an MP3 CD unit in my '92 Buick. It's fucking 2007. They have MP3 CD players in freaking Haiti nowadays. Almost cock-whipped her unconscious. But I let it go.

I'm not going to say anything about her appearance, because I'm nice, but she thinks very highly of herself. Too highly. Way too highly. Always saying how people want to bang her. Last weekend, she was saying how all of my friends wanted to hit it. Yeah, if they did, it was because you have a pulse. I don't know how she gets her head through the door. Still, I didn't cock-whip her.

Then, while we were beating the hell out of my car with a sledgehammer last weekend, the neighbors decided to get the police involved. Not that I blame them. So the cops come, and we go inside, and they knock on the door. Now, we are all inside, with our lawyer friends, deciding what to do. We all say "don't open it". So we are sitting there for a few seconds, and guess who walks up and opens the door and goes outside to talk to the cops. You fucking whore. I was probably going to go out soon. But if someone is going to talk to them about us beating up my car, it's going to be me. No matter how smart you think you are (you're not), or convincing you think you are (you're not), I am talking to them. Because it pertains to me. So I go outside and tell her to go inside, I'll talk. She refuses initially. Then the cops say, "you should go inside". At that point, you know you are a freaking idiot. Anyway, the next morning she apologizes and says "oh, I was really drunk, I had x beers and y shots and z Zimas, etc.". I HATE COUNTERS. My other roommate is a counter as well. One of my biggest pet-peeves. Freaking counters. And I'm sure that you will all agree that counters are usually light-weights. I just wanted to cock-whip her in the face so badly. But I refrained.

So, today, I wake up early to take her to the airport. I, as in me, wake up early, as in, like, before I have to, to take her to the airport. "Can you take my suitcase?". Sure. I'll take it. You take the other one. I put her suitcase in the car, and she says, "I have to move my car, the other suitcase is by the door". Fucking seriously? Fine. Whatever. So I put both suitcases in the car, and she says, "I can't move my car, that truck is behind it". This truck is a good 12 feet behind her tiny ass car. "Can you move it for me later today?". I was stunned that she couldn't move her car. This truck was a car-length and a half behind her. She said she can't see because she sits real low in it. Whatever. That's cool that you don't have a license. I just wanted to get it over with. So we go to the airport, and she's talking about how she still has PA insurance on her car, to which I reply that it would be smart to get that changed over. She said that switching to Florida insurance would make her 6-month payment go up by $1,000. I was a bit taken aback. I told her mine went up by about 50% when I came down here, and she said, "well, I have expensive coverage on my car, so it's probably alot more expensive than your car". You fucking whore. Don't you ever take a shot at Rich (the '92 Buick...RIP) like that. Snide comments like that will get you cock-whipped. Plus, I just called Progressive a few days ago and got a quote for coverage on an '06 Audi (I may end up getting a real lucky break and getting a nice car cheap). $1,200 every 6 months. This is a $35,000 car. And don't act all cool because you have a Toyota Celica. It's like an Economy Ricer. Maybe if you could drive a car, you'd have cheap insurance and you'd be able to pull it out of a driveway when there is a truck behind it. She finally admitted that it was because she had a poor driving record. You don't say. That was the last straw. Next thing she says that pisses me off is netting one ferocious cock-whipping to the face. I mean it.

Comments

[Tommyboy]

So you're saying she's single and available, right?

[SL22]

She is, but I think she has a little thing for Gunpowder, ifyaknowwhatImean.

[hdo45331]

"I don't like to come home dripping in sweat, smelling like Marge Schott's vagina."

Now that just put me off my lunch.

[rush2112]

To echo TommyBoy....so how do you know she's not into the cock-whipping?? I hear western PA girls are into that type of shit.

[Art Vandelay]

Is there a law against taking a sledge hammer to your own car?

[howard in nyc]

is it legal to take a sledgehammer to your roommate? or to a freeman employee?

freeman. heh. my error was being nice to them for the first 24 hrs before flipping the script to big angry black dude who does not give a fuck.

[SL22]

No, but it was against the terms of our lease. Apparently, we are guilty of "domestic disturbance/fighting". Eventually, the real cops came and said that there really isn't a law against taking a sledgehammer to your own car.