Sam Rubenstein from Slam Returns

Sam from Slam has been a Festivus regular and we're happy to have him back for a new perspective on pigeons. I'd have to query the records to make it official, but I believe this is out first ever grievance towards pigeons.

I heard the Knicks want Isiah to quit so they won't have to buy him out. Perhaps they should have thought of that before they gave him his extension. DOlan is the worst. And oh by the way Forbes says the Knicks are still the highest grossing franchsie in the NBA. And now here is my rant on a different subject entirely for the Festivus...

We are at war with an enemy that seeks to destroy our way of life.

I am talking of course, about pigeons. Or as I like to call them, vermin of the sky.

What purpose do they serve? They're not pets, they're not food, they're not an educational tool to be studied in the bird sanctuary. All pigeons do is fly around the city, taking dumps on people and property, eating the scraps thrown to them by some crazy old man in the park who should know better. Yes it sounds like the American dream, but because of "society" we humans aren't allowed to live that way.

Oh wait they are pets... if your name is Mike Tyson. Good example to follow. Mike kept a pigeon coop on his roof... look at him now.

A pigeon is nothing more than a homeless rat. A rat who couldn't find his way back to the nest or wherever they stay, so it slept in the gutter overnight as cars drove by and splashed it with gross muck. When you see a rat on the street, what happens? You freak out briefly, yelp out loud, and more importantly, the rat hides in shame of being seen. Unless it's on the subway tracks, hopefully near the third rail. You see, we have an understood barrier with the animals. Back in the day, animals could come to your village and eat all of your food, steal your women, etc. Then as we progressed as a species, we were able to keep the animals out as we asserted our dominance. Rats know their place in the world, the shameful darkness.

Pigeons? They walk around like they own the place. With a proud peacock walk even, that strut. If you hypothetically were to try and run one over with your car (HYPOTHETICALLY!!!), it flies out of the way. If you were to hypothetically pay a 10 year old to try and kick a pigeon, he wouldn't be able to get close as it would fly away and live to fight another day. For you see, pigeons are also cowards. They cut and run, dodge the pigeon draft, they are terrorists.

Let's crack open the history book. What was the black plague? A disease spread by rodents and/or vermin. We face that same inevitability. While people worry about who's got nuclear capabilities or all of that environmental Al Gore NBC stuff, silent death flies high above, ready to release it's fecal bombs. Is not the first sign of a society in decay the presence of feces everywhere? There is no "scientific proof" that a pigeon spreads disease, but come on. How can something that excretes its waste on your head be good for you?

The ladies pop/R&B/Hip Hop group TLC once had a monster hit with "No Scrubs", but it was the response song by Hip Hop legends "Sporty Thievz" that was ahead of its time. Nowadays, the best Hip Hop you can find is when two rappers go back and forth on youtube making empty threats of violence towards one another. Sporty Thievz were pioneers in saying "We will take exception to your proclamation and hastily slap together a gimmick." That song was called "No pigeons." Genius.

I'm sure that other Festivus participants will have their grievances with movie villains like George Bush, any member of his administration you want to single out, some self-serving media type screaming for attention, or any number of cruel tyrants. I say, this is finally the time when those people can be of some use to us. Let us ask them, what would you do to a pigeon? Can you channel your evil for us kind sir?

I am down with pigeon torture. How do we know they secretly can't speak human languages? I say torture them until they do.

You call this man, the pigeon serial killer, a monster? I call him the greatest hero in American History.

Mayor Bloomberg is political as always if you read the quote in here:

"while I love animals and I love birds we do have a lot of pigeons and they do tend to foul a lot of our areas" Your love of animals and birds has nothing to do with this, money bags. Not President material.

A recent New Yorker article began with the following statement:

"Pity the New York City pigeon." WHAT! I couldn't even read that whole thing I was so angry! Don't get soft, trying to make me feel for their plight with your delicate prose, Ben McGrath.

I do like the "Pigeon Czar" idea, but only if it's a ruthless one. Like Ivan the Terrible.

In conclusion, I say its time we stop worrying so much about immigration and how it could potentially impact voting and legislation in the future, and let us all work together towards the pigeon genocide.

Comments

[Schmoopie]

Pigeons and squirrels both, man. Pigeons and squirrels. They once besieged a birthday party I attended. The squirrels stole bags of food from a backpack and walked on the cake, while the pigeons encroached on human party territory and wouldn't shoo. Even toddlers throwing wood chips at them did not daunt the winged vermin.

In the movie, Top Secret!, there's a scene where Val Kilmer's on a park bench at night. In the background, there's a giant pigeon statue. Flying people land on the statue and poop on it. And then, pigeons being pigeons, the giant statue lets loose with a colossal load of bird crap.

[Schmoopie]

And speaking of pigeons: Cast your eyes on this photo.

[jackie]

You are a hater, Rubinstein.

May a big fat New York Pigeon shit on your head.

[Assman]

Birds are just nasty, evil little creatures. Even pet birds are all assholes. There is no such thing as a nice bird. Any bird, if it was large enough, would kill and eat you. I say fuck birds, and fuck pigeons, which are a kind of bird.

[Johnnie]

Two words, my man:

Alka Selter

We can go all Slobodan Milošević on those flying rat bastards.

Let's do this.