as another year has passed and we find ourselves yet again gathered around the festivus pole, i must say that i have never before felt more strongly that this world is going to hell in hand basket. so what better time to honor a few of those responsible for our unmitigated descent into hades. it has been, and will continue to be, a hell of a ride.
our first winners tonight are the democrats. i'll give you three words about the democrats: grow some fucking balls! okay, i lied, that was four words. i know i shouldn't do that. but, hey! if the democratic party can promise us they're going to stand up to the bush administration, hold them accountable for treating the constitution like jon benet ramsey, and end the war in iraq, and then subsequently do less than none of those things, i'm taking liberties. i'm entitled. hell, at this point, i'm running for office.
our next honorees are baby boomers. you're living longer, fucking more, and will be clogging the arteries of our nation's financial system for the next 50 years. and there's not a damn thing that anybody can do about it because the aarp is like the silver gestapo. we could have old people plowing into fruit stands daily, killing scores of shoppers, driving up the price of endive to alarming levels, but if anyone merely mentions mandatory eye exams at the dmv, the last thing they hear before their world goes black is the clattering of walkers accompanied by the stench of entitlement.
our final award winners are new york drivers. get out of the left fucking lane if you are not passing anybody. i don't know if they teach you this shit in ny state drivers ed,, or you're all motoring morons, but stop coming to jersey if you're gonna keep this shit up. we already have our quota of asshole drivers.
i've gotta lot of problems with you peoples. thank you, and good night.
Well said.
Posted by: Schmoopie | December 20, 2007 at 09:18 PM