Let's Get This Out Of The Way

Yours truly...

Kevin Garnett – I’d never claim to be the biggest Celtic fan there is and to be honest, I never even got all that upset about the events that occurred in the past 15 or so years. The 80’s were awesome and apparently the 60’s were even better so I always found it hard to shed a tear for this team. I mean, the guys dropping dead part kind of sucked but much more so for them and their families than Celtic fans. Enter KG and all of a sudden, Danny Ainge knew what he was doing all along, right? Either that or they got lucky because McHale is the worst GM in sports history. Regardless…I’m having a hard time embracing all this.

At the very least, the Celtics injected some sense of humility into the sporting culture of New England and since everyone simply chooses not to acknowledge that the Bruins even exist, you’re responsible for capping off the most arrogant, obnoxious, bullshit fan base in sports history. We now have to listen to Sully and Murph carry on about the wicked awesomeness of not one…not two…but three teams? Are you fucking kidding me? Beyond all this, I find out that it took you all of a few months to turn into an indignant asshole? I thought you were supposed to be the cool guy? Now you’re gonna try to fit in with them and go all douchebag on us? That’s distasteful? That’s your livelihood? It’s a fucking joke, you punk. Hey, generally when people joke about wanting you to blow out your knee, it’s because you’re wicked awesome at what you do. It’s a compliment. No internet poll can actually make that happen. If the internet were around in 1986 and a similar poll were posted on ESPN, do you think Larry Bird would have went all “that’s my livelihood, man” and made them apologize? He would have laughed and the only thing that would have pissed him off is if he didn’t win the fucking poll, you big baby!

So, I’m at a bit of a crossroads here because of you, KG. I mean it’s not like I can’t root for a douche bag. I’ve done it before. Do I really want to be fan of the team with its own obnoxious Bulls tracker though? Do I really want to root for a team that Bill Simmons is going to write pompous, factually inaccurate columns about? Do I really want to give any warm nods to a bunch of fugly sorority chicks wearing your pink jersey? Do I really want to spend a Sunday in June high-fiving some asshole that thinks the natural way to react when you get caught cheating is with indignation and vengeance rather than embarrassment and shame? Do I want to associate myself in any way shape or form with people that think it’s heroic to go after a guy’s eyes with a catcher’s mask on and proceed to get thrown in a headlock?

Fuck that. Thanks to you, KG…I’m renouncing my fanhood of a team because they got too good. I’m pulling an anti-bandwagon jump and if I have to watch you raise that trophy next June while getting doused in champagne…so be it. I’ll have my dignity to fall back on.

Chiles, how are the Knicks looking this year?

DirecTV – Oh really? Because I’ve been such a loyal customer for years and I never complain over the fact that you keep jacking up the price of the Sunday Ticket, you’re gonna go ahead and give me the same deal to upgrade to HD that you give people that have never given you a fucking dime? Wow. Thank you so much!

My Knees – Come on now. I got 4 years left until I’m 40 and I can’t even play a tennis match without a hot tub, a glass of wine, and 3 Advil beforehand. Suck it up, you quitters!

People who think the song Vienna by Billy Joel is about them – I hate to break it to you but that song has nothing to do with you, you lazy fuck. You need to get off your fat ass and make something of your life. You’ve been sitting around smelling the roses entirely too long. I don’t even think they allow people like you in Vienna. You make me sick.

Steelers Offensive Line – Great performance this year, fellas. You have one job. Protect the most important player this franchise has seen in the last 25 years. You’re really going to respond to that by allowing a franchise record for sacks? You really think letting the dude get pounded 28 times per game is a sound strategy for the future of the team? Let me ask you a question Mr Colonsimmonsmahanfanecasmith…if I put a black and gold #7 jersey on your wife, would you let me hit it? Hey-yo!!!

Comments

[Craig]

Vandelay, I already have enough issues telling you and Klompus apart and now you post a grievance where you are a fan of both the Steelers and a Boston team. Are you trying to destroy the one way I can remember who's who?

[puddy]

Vienna is the all-time most underrated song in Joel's catalog.

[Art Vandelay]

I'm not a fan of any Boston teams. I have no idea what you're talking about.

[Assman]

There's no way Big Ben is the most important player the team has had in 25 years. No way in hell.

I'm going to have to think about this.

[Art Vandelay]

Not even up for debate.

[jackie]

"Enter KG and all of a sudden, Danny Ainge knew what he was doing all along, right?"

How about Doc? Is he all of a sudden now a good coach? Here's what I say, a whole damn lot of this comes down to talent. Just look at Phil Jackson and Pat Riley this year. Don't look like such geniuses now, do they?

Chiles, how are the Knicks looking this year?

Knicks are dead and dead to me, but I will defer to Sam from SlamOnline.com on this one who has a very interesting and plausible theory:

"And I've got a new Isiah theory... you know how Jordan hated him, kept him off the dream team, and then Bird fired him as soon as he got to Indy, etc. how basically all the old 80's superstars on other teams hate him? (Except Magic) Well, Isiah hates the NBA too and he's trying to destroy it by destroying the Knicks. You often hear about how it's good for the league if the KNicks are good. Why? BEcause that way when Kobe or LeBron or Durant come to town, it's an event. What can he do on the grand stage at the MEcca? Now it's like can he score 40 in 3 quarters against a bunch of guys that don't play any D and his team is so far ahead it doesn't even matter. Very sad. Nice work Zeke!"