John Pike Isn't Getting Any Younger

My grievance is what my life has become. Welcome to the world of a once-happening 44-year old bald fat dude. Sure, I've had more pussy in the past 7 years than I did in the previous 37, but the last 9 months have been a big fat dry spell. Worse, I don't care--so long as there's a Law & Order re-run on. I got pissed the other day when an NBA game preempted a "marathon". Christ.

1. I once ran a cool (enough) blog called pikespeak... now look at it: Are those Viagra ads?
2. In February I'm officiating a gay wedding...seriously. No, I'm serious. "You can kiss your brides". Anybody got a good lesbian joke to soften up the crowd? What rhymes with "clitoris"? (Dolores??)
3. My very first reaction when Sean Taylor got shot was "yeah, shocker that one..." I eventually felt bad about immediately and gravenly attributing his death to his undeniable thug-ness. But to make myself feel better I've been leaving snide-ass comments on Michael Wilbon's blog, taking him to task for doing the same thing I did.
4. My favorite blog-post of the year belongs to Mark Steyn in National Review, who uttered the should-be-immortal phrase "Douchebag, douche thyself." Heh.
5. What the fuck's a "Fee Feffer"? The kid and I were at McDonald's getting some breakfast and the nice lady from GuataSanMexicana Republic with the ugly rust-colored uniform placed our meal on our tray and quizzically said "Fee Feffer??" "Como se llama?", I replied. "Fee Feffer?". The kid then broke the awkward silence by grabbing our tray and leading the way to our table. "Big Breakfast, she said, Dad". Color me to the right of Pat Buchanan on the issue.
6. My daughter is 11, and is as sweet as a little kid could be. And she had her first period about 5 weeks ago. Which brings me to my biggest grievance of all:

A little girl should never wear Kotex and believe in Santa Claus at the same time.

Happy Festivus.

Comments

[Johnnie]

C'mon John! (Fanfuckingtastic name, btw. Give your parents an awkward high five for me.) Why do you think Santa wears red and white in the first place? Duh!

[john pike]

Thanks for using my whole name guys...that'll help when future employers google me. though AofG will get the first hit for the search term:

"john pike douchebag fuck kotex"