Itchy Came Out To Play

Loyal AofG reader and commenter extraordinaire, Itchy from My Blog Itches.

I'm getting a divorce. Currently legally separated. The man who hoped for the past dozen or so years that my smartassedness would just poof! disappear has himself a girlfriend. A hunter, no less. I scorn her. And I had to move out of my house into an apartment. I'll begin with that.

I didn't know before I moved into my apartment that I was going to need to either know how to swim or hire a full time lifeguard. I expect Kevin Costner to come rowing by any damned minute to proclaim to me that "Dry land is a myth!" What sort of asshole looks at this apartment and says, oh yeah…it's ready to be moved into? Did you really need my $1000 that badly? Is $1000 really worth the gamble that I may or may not be allergic to mold? That I may or may not care if my expensive camera equipment gets wet the very first time it rains? That I may be one of those wild and wacky people who enjoys having a water park in their own home? Well I'm not!! No…it turns out I'm one of those boring straight laced types that enjoys being able to kick off her shoes to enjoy some nice dry time spent breathing clearly while in her apartment. Sorry I'm such a square…

And who are these people that lived here before me? I know it's rained in the past year. So...what? Did they just throw on the rain boots and splash around while pretending to be Gene Kelly? Did Howard the Duck live here before me? Really. I need to know. I need to know what sort of people lived here before me that either enjoyed the shit outta some soggy carpet or had no fucking backbone to get this handled and instead chose to leave it for me to figure out all on my own the first time it rained. Thank you. No, really. I needed to see where my limit is. Where my breaking point is. Seems stepping into a pond in my socks in my house is it. Now I know. Thanks.

Now, all you people who continue to not pronounce my name properly need to grow some respect. It's just not that hard. It's a name. It will not kill you to say my name the proper way. It will not indicate that I hold any power over you. It will just indicate that you are not a rude, power-hungry asshole that likes to demean and disrespect at any opportunity. But no. Instead you prove that you are lame by only coming up with not saying my name properly to disrespect me. You are sad. And pathetic. Way to go. Your parents are very proud.

Nickelback. Just....go away. Please.

Way to stand by your word Rodriguez. A year is a very, very long time. Thanks for sticking it out.

And finally, to all you perverts on Flickr that keep adding the photo of my back to your stash of favorite photos of blow jobs, I'd like to introduce you to PornoTube. Seriously. They have motion and everything. I'm seriously confused by this. What in the hell does my back have to do with your apparent fascination with blow job photos? Is my back somehow cockish? Am I peen-like in shape and I just don't realize it. Do the freckles remind you of a money shot? What? I'm...disturbed. You have 1,974 photos of blow jobs favd and them my back. It's weird...well...not as weird as being asked to do a toe tag photo because I'd "look great that way"...but weird nonetheless. I...think I'm not grieved about this after all. I think I just need answers. I'm just very interested...

Comments

[Assman]

I... I think I've been pronouncing "Itchy" wrong all this time.

[Schmoopie]

So, it's pronounced "itch-high," then? I didn't know. I'm sorry. I may have had something to do with the leaky roof, too. My apologies.

[Itchy]

Loyal AofG reader

If by loyal you mean obsessive checker inner of the comments to see what craziness the MySpacers are up to, then you are correct fine sir. I am loyal.

I... I think I've been pronouncing "Itchy" wrong all this time.

I thought it was just your Samoan accent.

So, it's pronounced "itch-high," then?

It's more I-chee.

I may have had something to do with the leaky roof, too.

Unless my foundation is tied into my roof, this is unlikely. But to be on the safe side I'll put a pit bull up there...

[Art Vandelay]

Where's this photo of your back?

[Itchy]

Where's this photo of your back?

On Flickr. If you do a search for backs that look like blow jobs you should find it easily.