Here's Johnnie!

Two-time Feats of Strength champion and epic griever, Johnnie from the Swamp, has plenty to say as always...

Festivus? Already? Damn, where'd the time go? After my victory in the Feats of Strength last year, I need to do what I have to: continually rule the world at being awesome. So you may be asking yourself, “Johnnie, you already are so damn awesome, but how the hell can you get more awesome???” Well, after parlaying my skills at a desk job and making rank (now over a full year being a Staff Sergeant), I was able to execute my First Term Airman right of retraining. And how did I expand my horizon? I was able to get off the flightline forever and become a Logistics Plans Specialist. Read: Sit behind desk. Translate numbers/letters. Move shit from point A to point B. To add a bit of sugar to that coffee, I got paid to retrain. I got paid to re-enlist in this easier than fuck job. And I got paid to move from Shreveport, LA to Tucson, AZ – where I am living presently. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if God wanted to come to my house and kick it with me on Super Bowl Sunday. Since, you know, it isn’t worth the trip to Glendale. So with all that’s good in my life, I have nothing to bitch about, right? WRONG! Let’s get to it.

First off: Celebufucktards!

Chris Fucking Crocker. Why the hell do I have to know your name? Why do you have to fucking exist? Why are you even alive and breathing? This waste of human flesh is just about one of the most unnatural and disgusting things on the planet. “He” makes me want to stick ice picks through his eyelids and drown him in acid. He is the poster child for after birth abortion. He is, single-handedly, why people go on murderous rampages for Jesus. This motherfucker needs to star in a snuff film and off himself. He makes “2 girls, 1 cup” look like Scarlett Johnson and Jessica Alba eating each other out in a kiddie pool full of Keeley Hazell’s twat butter.

Speaking of cupchicks…has there ever been a more gag inducing show then this? Ya know, besides the collective efforts this year of the Knicks and Jets. Exactly what part of that Emmy Award winning drama can actually be tolerated by normal, conscious humans? The shit eating? The vomiting? The vomiting of the shit eating? The playing with shit like it’s jello? This video has raised (lowered?) the bar for most vile thing ever. All that can top this is, instead of using a cup, you would use the empty head of a dead animal…and the brains get mixed with the shit and vomit. And what can top that? It’s a reverse snuff film. You want to off yourself for having watched it.

So who’s next? Amy Fucking I’m-still-alive-because-I-have-the-Keith-Richards-Gene Winehouse. This cunt excrement is living garbage. There is no hope for those with no hope for themselves. Let this one go away forever. Please. She is nothing but a morass of walking infection and disease. Send her on her merry way before she coughs and gives me ebola. I beg of you. Any more of her and I will need the rehab. Seriously.

Other slit bubbles I need to mention: Lindsay, Britney, Paris, & Nicole…all of you. Man. Hoes this busted up are usually thrown into the Home Depot dumpster. I am sure that when the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse come to earth, they will be riding these girls instead of actual horses. I, along with other normal, sane individuals, would like for them to hurry up and die. Why is it that all of these bitches just can’t get into DUIs with each other simultaneously? What will it take for these evolutionary failures to stop breathing and disappear?

Oh, hey, Tila Tequila…I seriously want to fuck the white girl out of you. I want to fuck some talent into you. I want you to be an example to all the girls who don’t believe in my awesomeness. So please, get the fuck off of TV. Get the fuck off of MySpace. And for the love of Festivus Poles worldwide, stop pretending to think that you eat what I eat. Just get on my dick and ride. Ok? Same goes for you Nicole Scherzrtfdnejggdjem. You Pussycat Flameout. Another speed bump in the road of Bitches That Need Talent Fucked Into Them. You went solo…and? Nothing. You fucked your way to middle management.Congrats.

Though, with those 2 being mentioned, however, the girl who takes the proverbial and potential dick lashing from me, is Kim K and that mountain of heavenly ass of hers. Her porn vid may have sucked; and she may be famous for no other reason except that ginormous trunk monkey, but if there is a quintessential girl who needs some dignity put into her, it has to be Kim Muthafuckin’ K. I would pay some of my hard-earned money to go spelunking in her lady cave. I mean, she let Ray J tag it. If she fucked a dude with a steady job (yours truly will dutifully bite the bullet – and her ass multiple times), she would be moving up in the world. She may have mingled with Reggie Bush, and he may be a step up, but he’s no Mario Williams. I’d pack this girls guts tighter than a suitcase full of clothes. She wouldn’t be walking right after a night with me. Not because I’d tag it so well, but because her bowels would be impacted. Yea. I said it. Impacted bowels. Let that marinate for a second.

Second: You Cuntsnizzles at Barksdale AFB, LA.

I spent over 5 God forsaken years trying to figure out if there is a blurrier line of life and death toiling away at that place. It’s no Iraq (though folks were lining up to volunteer to go there and leave Barkatraz), but depression can set in anywhere and Shreveport/Bossier City is the Mercedes on the Autobahn of life towards getting there. I had to reassess priorities and hit a mental rock bottom to seriously change my life. I hated everyone. I hated everything. I hated my job. I hated life. And that place made me question why I should live at all. And at that moment I knew that something had to give. And that something would be the Air Force. Luckily it did, and I’m all good. But you fucks that said I couldn’t do it. And you fucks that were certain I would be there forever. And you fucks that didn’t actually care, you all deserve a Double-Double of Horseshit Animal Style. The little “fuck you” Achievement Medal -- that should have been an Accommodation Medal -- and no going away present or luncheon for me lets me know that I will never be as low as any of you. Have a great continued existence.

Third: That Homeless Guy.

Let me set up the scene.

4 am. Downtown Shreveport. I’m at a burrito stand waiting in line to buy a burrito. Some wino walks up to me and gives me a sob story about breaking down in town with his wife and daughter and wants me to give him money. Having only enough money for the burrito, I apologize to him for not being able to donate to his cause. At which point he asks me this,

“Do you believe in Jesus as your Lord and Savior”?

“Well, sure. I guess.”

“Apologize to Him.”

And he walks away. I got served. And it wasn’t in burrito form. Somewhere in there is a life lesson. And somewhere in there is reassurance that no matter what, people suck in all forms. It’s still crazy to tell that to people.

Fourth: Having women bosses.

No, no, no…not specifically anything misogynistic towards women. (Although I have my grievances with women, in general, that I have come to accept and learn and use to make myself a better man instead of a frustrated one.) But I thought I would have a good time working around some girls for once on a daily basis. Nope. When they are older than you, and have a higher rank than you, it just isn’t pleasant sometimes. Women in that position have the knack to not listen to you. And sometimes like to interrupt you mid sentence when you are trying to answer a question that they have asked. It reminds me in the first place why I don’t want to be married. If I can’t stand being around them at work and outranking me, do I seriously want to hand them my balls in a jar when it comes time to say “I do’s”? Negatory, peeps. It entrenches me further into the “Hell To The Fuck No” category. Plus, it seems that gossip is most definitely more important at times. An example:

“So, John, you and Female Airman So-In-So are going out, huh?

With my quick wit and candor,”Going out where?”

“Oh, I guess that answers my question.

Sure does, ma’am. So, yea. Squash that, lady boss. I’m not the type to fuck and tell. I don’t play the whole “date who you work with” game. I don’t shit where I eat. Save the non-sense for that guy you don’t go home to. Thanks.

Fifth: Guy who discredited my Red Sox loyalty.

As I was enjoying my beloved Sox during the playoffs, at a place where I love to eat at here in Tucson -- East Coast Super Subs -- some turdjacket noticed me watching the game while he placed an order and makes the off hand comment, “You’re a Sox fan? That hat looks pretty new.”

Without skipping a beat, I retort, “Calvin Schiraldi can go fuck himself.”

Seeing as how I can respond with some historical significance about my team, and prove that I don’t drive a bandwagon (a Duck Tour boat, maybe), he backs off and mutters something about phony fans with new hats and blah blah blah. Whatever, dude. Let me enjoy my Irish Heavyweight sub and pint of Sam Adams without further interruption. Unbeknownst to him, the reason I wear a newer Sox hat is because I gave my actual Sox hat to my father on his deathbed. And it was cremated with him after he died -- just 49 days before the Sox won it in 2004. I have others, some with more wear than the next, but it was nice that day and I wanted to wear a clean, new hat in a clean, new environment in a damn good eating establishment like ECSS. So jackoff, go play in traffic.

Sixth: Me

Yea you. Writing this. You asshole. Why the fuck are you staying so damn stagnant? Hey, you may be reading books and getting acclimated to a nice area, but are you just gunna sit around and gradually waste every weekend that comes your way? Didn’t you want to buy a Rosetta Stone program and teach yourself a new language? Didn’t you want to try out hiking or skiing in the gorgeous mountains that surround you? School may be a few months away because of upgrade training, but in the meantime expand your mind. There’s money in your bank account. There’s youth at 24. And there’s health that you have which some would kill for to desperately have. But you decide to stay in and veg out all day? Time off is good and well deserved, but wasting too much of it will make you realize just how very mortal you truly are. Get off your ass. Go workout. Go make friends. And do something productive. I’m not saying to just go skydiving right now, but damn man, you worked this hard to change what Louisiana did and you want to just fall back and be lazy? Sad, buddy. Too quite sad. Do something. Now. This is your subconscious speaking. Take my advice or die wondering what the fuck. Your move.

And with that, I bid you all adieu. Have a wonderful, meaningful, joyous Festivus. And remember to celebrate and spend a deserved, cherished time with all of your loved ones. I was reluctant to go back home for Christmas this year, but I am glad I bought the ticket. If being present is meaningful enough for some in my life, then well, I wasn’t being facetious when I said that “I am awesome.” Bless you all.

P.S. --

Hey AOL Fanhouse. I love your site, but put the Sportsfrog on your Blogroll, please. Capisce?

Comments

[Jack Klompus]

Fastballs. All of them 100+ mph. Well done, Johnnie.

[puddy]

Frog don't need no stinking blogroll. We like our people just the way they are.

[hdo45331]

Good bitching, as always, Johnnie.

Now, get off my lawn.

[Schmoopie]

Re: Grievance #1—You know, nobody's forcing you to watch any of this. If it's so irksome to you, quit paying attention to it! Also? You say you're not crazy about the idea of getting married. Is there a long line of applicants for the wife position? I got a lotta problems with these grievances.

[Itchy]

Re: Grievance #1—You know, nobody's forcing you to watch any of this. If it's so irksome to you, quit paying attention to it

This was actually going to be one of my grievances. The fact that you don't even have to pay attention or watch any of this to know all about it. It's in the fucking news. I've been busy as shit at work and have not had time to keep up with the news but yet, I know Britney Jr. is pregnant. Why? Because on the "news" on my way to work they told me so.

Yet, I have to hire a fucking PI to find out the latest on the debates or who's ahead in the polls. Yes, sure, fine, looking for the info on the presidential candidates should fall on my shoulders to a certain extent. I should be a responsible voter, yes. But when I have to dig to find it yet the latest Spears knock-up is front and center in the "news"...come on.

This isn't me paying attention to it. It's that info being thrown into my face. And it should be the other way around.

[Johnnie]

Hey, Schmoopie Kolber, don't make me go all Johnnie Namath on you, K?

And Itchy you nailed it.

You nailed it so well that I expect this thread to get pregnant.

Unlike, well, you know...

[Assman]

Cuntsnizzle?

Okay. Works for me.

[Steve]

Calvin Schiraldi?

Weren't you like 2 years old then?