Greetings from Del Boca Vista

Assman - Thanks for overachieving once again.  The rest of our grievances look like shit in comparison.  You're like the nerdy kid who fucked up the grade curves in school.  All the same, nice work.

My year of anger after the jump...

My Home Builder - I bought new construction from you 4 years ago.  Since then, the downstairs bathroom floor has been warped.  Every time your crack team diagnosed and “fixed” it, the problem came right back.  Finally, you told me my warranty had expired and it was now my problem.  So in 5 minutes of me removing drywall, what do I find?  Nails in the fucking water pipes.  Pretty sure that’s not my fault.  Oh, guess what else?  Mold.  Nail in water pipe + dripping water + paper-based drywall + 3.5 years = mold.  And what do you propose to do about it?  Spray bleach and turn on a fan, then cover it up.  Fuck you, you motherfucking hack.  Now I get to spend Christmas in a little hotel room (that you offered to pay for one measly night out of 2 weeks) while my downstairs is turned into a HAZMAT zone.  But that’s not the worst part.  The fact that you, a millionaire builder, are nickel-and-diming me on fixing a defect that YOU created is a travesty.  If you get an unsigned Christmas card with a picture of human feces in a hotel toilet  -- that was me.

High School Musical - Seriously, what the fuck is the deal with you?  Is there any wonder why kids are such pussies these days?  Hey I know, let’s take an old faggy musical.  Say, Grease.  But let’s update it from 50’s motorcycle gangs to thespians.  You know, make it extra gay.  And somehow, people go fucking bonkers for you.  I was at an NHL game and there was an arena-sponsored trivia contest during a time stoppage.  The contestants had to distinguish between Barry Manilow song titles and High School Musical song titles (an atrocity in its own right).  Luckily the contestants, men, didn’t know any answers. But what was troubling were the jeers and ridicule they received from the emcee and fans for not knowing the answers.  As if those contestants were the assholes.  Bloody hell.

“Whatev” – Aside from making people sound like annoying little shitwits , you’re just a flat-out stupid abbreviation.  Just two more letters, one more goddam syllable.  What’s your fucking problem?

David Chase – Hey thanks for 4 years worth of entertainment blueballs.  I know it was your creation so it was your right to destroy it.  However, next time give us a little heads up that you’re going to waste our time for 15 hours every 20 months. 

Frank Caliendo – Wow, you do impressions?  Really?  I’ve never seen that done before.  I think there was this guy Rich Little a few years back, but I can’t remember.  I’ll tell you what:  create a mediocre career around a John Madden voice and eventually you’ll get your own short-lived variety show.  When you do, make sure the networks run the same fucking commercials over and over and over and over till people start hating you.  Then run them some more. 

Chris Collinsworth – Hey Martin Short stunt double, is there anyone that doesn’t want to horse-collar you, make you bite the curb, and stomp on you American History X-style?  Or is it just me?  Listen, most people have forgotten you ever played football. So now you’re kind of in Armen Keteyian’s metrosexual football “guru” category.  Straighten your ascot and shut your fucking pie-hole.

Rachael Ray – You could be the biggest endorsement whore I’ve ever seen.  You got some juice from Oprah’s magic jumper cables and it’s off to the races.  You’ll gladly go reverse-cowgirl on any product that throws a spotlight and some cash in front of you.  But let me tell you something:  that perky girl-next-door act has worn thin.  What people see now is a narcissistic gasbag that has to have her face on every-fucking-thing. But at least – AT LEAST – do us a fucking favor while your charade is still going on.  Take some of your windfall and do one of two things:  1) get a pair of boobs; 2) buy some new shirts that aren’t tightly pleated in the bust area.  It’s unfathomable that you would choose to flaunt your 11-year old mosquito bites.  Fuck-ass.

Dane Cook –  Douchehole.  Word association.  I hear “Dane Cook” and I immediately think “douchehole.” Two years in a row you made my list.   You’ve pushed it to new limits.  It’s no longer just about your mug being everywhere.  The “There’s Only One October” farce during the MLB post-season would be enough on its own.  It was drilled into our corneas the same way MellenChevy raped our ears with “This Is Our Country.”  Now you’ve evolved into romantic-comedy-fuck-face-Ryan-Reynolds-spin-off; you’re an even douchier version of an insufferable Hollywood douchebag.  And what else?   Oh, you steal stand-up material.  You're so completely devoid of talent that you have to take from Louie C.K. Louie fucking C.K. All you do is add your little silly spastic fag routine and it’s a go.  The only silver lining to all of this is that your meteoric rise will ultimately end in a free fall.   

This Guy-

I snapped this blurry-as-shit cell cam photo while at the recent Pats-Steelers game.  Uh, why are you wearing shoulder pads underneath your customized Steelers jersey?  Shoulder fucking pads?   You’re just a fan.  What’s the purpose?  I need to know.  Seriously, what’s the purpose?  Walk me through the decision-making process.  I’m guessing the first part will be about how much you’re a fucking tool.

Comments

[Art Vandelay]

We're fucking hardcore!

[Jack Klompus]

"We're fucking hardcore!"

So why do you need pads if you're so hardcore?

[Assman]

Shoulder pads? Easily the gayest shit I've seen in my entire life. Easily.

[Art Vandelay]

So why do you need pads if you're so hardcore?

Whatev.

[SL22]

Some dude was at the Steelers bar in Shoulder pads AND helmet. Let me say that again for effect. Shoulder pads ANDNANANANADNANNDANANAD helmet. I wanted to punch him in the head, but he was wearing the helmet.

[jackie]

"Assman - Thanks for overachieving once again. The rest of our grievances look like shit in comparison. You're like the nerdy kid who fucked up the grade curves in school. All the same, nice work."

Amen.

Are you really gonna kill Collinsworth, Klompus? From where I sit, the man deserves an award for tolerating the abject stupidity of Dan Marino and Chris Carter on a weekly basis. I don't care how much they paid me, I would not be able to do it.

As for you NHL intermission story, further proof that the NHL should have never expanded South of the Mason-Dixon. (If you say you were home in Boston watching the game, I'll just go ahead and assume that you are lying.)

[Eli]

"High School Musical"

One of my primal fears is getting a date with a smoking babe and she asks me to take her to a musical. Would Alice Cooper qualify as a musical?

[Kristal K]

Klompus -- see Forbes -- Rachel Ray is money in the bank & she just convinced the Food Network to pay for her next European vacation.

http://www.forbes.com/2007/12/18/rachel-ray-food-markets-face-cx_ml_1217autofacescan03.html?feed=rss_popstories

I hate her.

[Jack Klompus]

"Klompus -- see Forbes -- Rachel Ray is money in the bank & she just convinced the Food Network to pay for her next European vacation."

Who's her following? That's what I want to know. I've watched her cooking show and it's utterly retarded. Aside from wanting to strangle her, her recipes are complete bullshit. Even more so than Emeril's.

[ZaZ]

Great read.
Laughed and laughed again and a few more times.
Bravo.

[H.E. Pennypacker]

As for you NHL intermission story, further proof that the NHL should have never expanded South of the Mason-Dixon.

The fact that Florida has the same number of NHL teams as Ontario is a total mindfuck.

THANK YOU, GARY BETTMAN.

Great info, keep up the good posts!