Frank...Kickin' Us Off Old School

I'm happy to announce that in perfect fashion, the founding father himself has returned to start the festivities once again. Get this bad boy rolling like only you know how, Frank.

I’m back, baby!! I may not have the time to run and contribute to the blog anymore, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have time to air some grievances from my computer here in Del Boca Vista. Speaking of computers, I’m selling them out of my garage now, competing with IBM and Microsoft with my secret weapon, MY SON!!

I got a lotta problems with you people! And now you’re gonna hear ‘em…

My boss – You’re normally a nice, smart guy, who does his job very well. Unfortunately, you love to hear yourself talk, even if what you say is complete shit. When clients want to meet with both of us, it means they want to meet with me, too. When they’re reading MY presentation while YOU are talking, it means they aren’t listening to YOU. When they berate YOU with criticism and tell ME I’m doing good work, that may be a sign to step in to the background for a few minutes. And don’t try to give me ideas – NO ONE TELLS FRANK COSTANZA WHAT TO DO!!

My old bosses – In a follow up to last year’s Grievances , thanks for taking advantage of me and performing the equivalent of a financial fisting this year. Too bad two of you just got very publicly demoted, and the other was passed over for promotion and is supposedly on the way out, if the grapevine is to be believed. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t she?

Giuliani – Congratulations, you didn’t crap your pants on the day everyone else did. Unfortunately, that isn’t enough to overcome the other 23,000-some days of obnoxious, fear-mongering, corrupt behavior. Go back to using your political and business connections to rip off foreign governments and work with terrorist supporters, you’ll do less damage. Between you and the sleazy Masshole, you’re actually getting me to think positively about a guy who doesn’t believe in evolution.

Hillary – Affecting a Southern accent , pandering to the religious, The Cackle , ye gods. Move aside, and let the man go through.

The Indians – no, not the Native Americans, although I don’t undertand the ungratefulness. Tax-free gambling profits, who loses there? No, I mean the guys who couldn’t win just one more game, ONE GAME!!, to spare everyone the nauseating media attention being paid to the largest bandwagon team in sports. The shame of being a native Ohioan grows. Speaking of which…

Ohio – What. The. Fuck ?

Britney – I tried. Honest, I tried. The pictures of you flashing your gash? Didn’t mind. The extra junk in the trunk at the VMAs? I actually thought that was pretty hot. (What can I say, after 40 years of Estelle, I’m more than fine with a little meat on the bone). But the drugs, the head shaving, the driving with the kids sitting in your lap, meh. And, now, the younger, hotter version of yourself is pregnant at 16? Are you guys sure you’re not from Ohio?

Jerry Falwell – Actually, no grievance here, you’re dead.

Creation Museums – Proving that 70% of Americans are complete fucking morons. Annoying me so much that I’m evolving a second middle finger as I type this.

God – Nice lead-in, right? Well, after a year off the list, He’s back!! Massacres. Market bombings in your name. Tornados . Man U winning the Premiership. Chris Benoit. The idiots who worship Chris Benoit. More bombings in your name. Even more bombings in your name. Your followers sure do like killing people, don’t they? Plane crashes. This evil. Not your best year, was it, fella?

Comments

[Art Vandelay]

This blog misses Frank dearly. I can't believe you just went right after the Supreme Being like that. Balls.

[Assman]

* steps back to avoid bolt of lightning *

(from Frank, not God)

[Eli]

"Proving that 70% of Americans are complete fucking morons."

You forgot fat, lazy, media-controlled, disease-ridden, and in a state of total denial......yet generally well-intentioned.

"Giuliani – Congratulations, you didn’t crap your pants on the day everyone else did. Unfortunately, that isn’t enough to overcome the other 23,000-some days of obnoxious, fear-mongering, corrupt behavior."

Absolutely, this psycho has no conception of it means to live in a free and democratic society. His views on law enforcement come straight out of Pinochet/Tienamen Square playbook on crowd control. He belongs in a station house in some Balkan shithole state wearing a glazed black leather ski suit and swinging lead-weighted baton. If he gets anywhere near the White House I'm packing my bags.

[jackie]

The overly chatty boss who has absolutely no idea what he is talking about. Always a treat.

Nice of you to come out of retirement, Frank. Some goodness from AofG's Founding Father is just what the doctor ordered.