Flash...Not Fucking Around This Year

Of course, she never does. Her blog is There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches and she does some fine work over there. We're psyched to have her back for yet another Festivus. And yes Flash, those Beyonce' commercials apparently work.

Al Davis – Thanks for nothing! We have Randy Moss, the most dangerous receiver in the NFL for, what, three years and this guy couldn't accomplish dick. And it's not like he rolled into the Bay with his typical "Yeah, I'm the laziest SOB on the planet. What’s it to ya" attitude either. In the beginning, Moss was actually trying! But it’s hard to stay positive when Martin Lawrence is "throwing" you the ball. So you ship him off to New England for 3 cheeseburgers and a pack of Newports and now he's got a Hall of Fame career. It’s like you felt bad for bringing him to Oakland at all, so you tried to make amends. So what do you do as an encore to an epic case of hospitality? You take a role as the Crystal Skull in Indiana Jones 4.

Nice commitment to YOUR excellence, Al. How about spending a little time on the Raiders now. Jerk.

To DirecTV: Your advertising agency needs to be slapped around with sticks and tossed off a bridge. The whole point of commercials is to get people to buy your products, not ram their heads through walls. Every time I see Beyonce Knowles gyrating, foot shuffling, and fierce walking through your spots (which is every 3 minutes), I beg the nearest person to choke me out.

This Upgrade commercial is the most baffling and preposterous ad of all time. I don't know if it's Beyonce's bizarre Axl Rose-like foot shuffle and scallywag, her horrendous speaking ability or the way she rolls over to reveal a gold "UPGRADE" chain in her mouth that was no doubt purchased from a bubble gum machine outside Wal-Mart. The whole spot is truly astonishing in its hideousness. I'm almost inclined to believe it was funded by the cable industry to put you out of business. If so, is Beyonce in on the joke? Likely not; she's too busy 1-click ordering boomerangs off amazon.com.

"Lemme lemme lemme upgradejya-gradejya." Upgrade, indeed. The only thing you're upgrading me to is suicide watch, DirecTV. 2 enthusiastic thumbs down.

To Faux Punk Avril Lavigne: I was caught in traffic the other day and flipped through radio channels only to discover that you actually had the nerve to sing this:

I hate it when a guy doesn't understand
Why a certain time of month I don't want to hold his hand
I hate it when they go out and we stay in
And they come home smelling like their ex-girlfriend

I'm just spitballin here, Avril, but my guess is that your boyfriend cheats because you won't hold his hand simply due to the fact that you're menstruating, you stupid bitch.

To people that bitch about the Patriots: I have sat in seething hatred of the New England Patriots since the Tuck Rule ruined my hopes way back in 2002. But even though I’m a depressed, Silver & Black degenerate, I'll still take awe-inspiring dominance every day of the week and twice on Sunday over the rest of this season’s mediocre shit snoggery. Parity is for sucks. Stop complaining.

To Steve McClaren: You should you should have been sacked AT Wembley - right on that jacked up pitch. And I don't mean fired. I'm talking literally sacked – beaten with your brolly, black bagged Peter Creedy style and carried away into the rainy night. Good luck with your prehistoric tactics in Iraq or Kansas City or whatever sorry squad settles on you as their shaman of mediocrity.

To Tony Dungy: "I won the Super Bowl the Lord's Way." Why, because you don't come from the Vince Lombardi School of Verbal Assault and don't seem to have a pulse? Let me fill you in on something - the fire and brimstone G-d that I know - Christians will know him from the Old Testament - isn't about calm and chill. Though it's true that He can love and be compassionate, the Almighty is vengeful and hot-tempered and He will not hesitate to kick you in the teeth with his Mighty Boot of Justice, also known as Samael, the Angel of Death. This cat doesn't turn the other cheek and He doesn't brush things aside. He rolls down from on high to beat that ass. Casting Satan out of Paradise, torching Sodom and Gomorrah, lighting people up in the New Testament's Apocalypse? THAT is the Lord's Way. The only thing you're practicing is the Tony Dungy Way. Stop giving credit where it isn't due.

To Jewelry Stores: You've been shilling a false Economics of the Pussy propaganda for years. It's offensive and you're just setting men up for failure. You know what happens to the guy that really believes the Kiss Begins with Kay? He makes out a little, she goes to bed and then he's cranking one off in the shower like Lester Burnham. Sure, the kiss begins with Kay but it ends there as well.

As such, I've created a totally reasonable and legitimate Diamond Reaction Index to let men know exactly what they should expect to collect as a return on different levels of investment:

Comments

[Art Vandelay]

Flash, I have no idea why those images aren't working. They're coded correctly. Do you have them hosted privately?

[flash]

No idea what happened. It's probably my penalty for placing code in a word document :) I just emailed them to you.

[Craig]

Ok, I was greatly amused by this even when the images weren't working, but now that it's up, the diamond reaction index is killin' me.

[Assman]

It's funny because it's true. Dungy, Avril... everything.

What the hell is up with Beyonce's speaking anyway? She's about as good with English as Pepa.

[Eli]

"cranking one off in the shower like Lester Burnham"

Some of us crank one off right after the deed anyway, just to seal the deal.

[Cozmo]

Flash, can you send the diamond reaction page to the wife. 6 years on and I'm still waiting for that threesome. Bollocks.

[Flash]

Have her call me some time, Coz. I think I can reason with her girl to girl but only if she's rocking that Harry Winston! If you're trying to use my powers of persuasion for your chincy 1 carat Tiffany, you can forget it ;)

[Itchy]

This seems to be fitting to share here...

[jackie]

Tony Dungy said that?

[flash]

I paraphrased, Jackie. Here's the quote:

“But again, more than anything, I said it before, Lovie Smith and I, not only the first two African-Americans, but Christian coaches showing you can win doing it the Lord’s way. We’re more proud of that.”

By the looks of things, Satan's about to boost his Super Bowl record to 41 - 1.