Downsview Has a Few

There are many things that get me aggrieved all year round.

Radio comedy, especially "funny ads" that begin with a lengthy set up like "Gee Bob, it's still snowing outside, why are you cleaning your golf clubs..." or "Okay class, you're probably wondering why your substitute teacher today is really a talking horse..."

Tim Horton's as a Canadian icon. Are we Canadians really so weak that we treat a fucking donut shop that sells watery coffee as some sort of cultural touchstone. Ah yes, who amongst us hasn't stopped in at a Tim Horton's for a coffee... (sniff, sniff). Who hasn't stood in a puddle of urine while using the bathroom at Tim Horton's (wiping of sentimental tear). Who among us hasn't seen that toothless freak in the corner who looks like he's killing time before his next parole board meeting (O Canada!).

Dental hygienists. Look, I floss twice a week. I am far too busy to devote 45 minutes a day to the kind of dental maintenance that you prescribe. And don't ask me questions about my kids when your hands are in my mouth.

That idiot Peter van Loan who I went through Junior High and High School with who is now the Prime Minister's right hand. This guy was such a loser that the high school Reach for the Top (a Canadian quiz/game show for nerds) team wouldn't hang out with him. This guy was such a loser that he joined the Progressive Conservative youth party just to have people to talk with. And now he's the smug prick who tells the province of Ontario that it doesn't deserve greater representation in the federal government. Hey Van Loan – you're still a loser.

Mitt Romney. This guy can't even fake sincerity properly. He was once pro-choice, pro gay rights and once actually lived in a state where the sight of two men holding hands isn't considered a trigger for the apocalypse. But turns out it was a mistake. Romney didn't mean a word he said while in Massachusetts.

Chuck Norris was never cool. Not when he was the 5th most popular action hero, not when he starred on that show no one ever watched and certainly not now when he appears in ads for Huckabee and Mountain Dew. Guy is so botoxed it looks like his face will rip open when he sneezes.

Adult women who buy fashion magazines with anorexic teenage models, who devour news about creatures like Nicole Richie and Britney Spears, who keep reality shows at the top of the ratings and then complain that Hollywood and the fashion industry insult women.

Blue Mountain is a crap hole of a resort town north of Toronto where every third person you see is trying to rope people into a seminar about investing in a time share. Listen folks, anyone who tries to sell me time sharing in a condo can go straight to hell to be raped by a nazi.

Solomon Wilcotts and the rest of the brotherhood of bad football announcers. I have been watching football since I could sit up. Which means I have been watching games for over 40 years. I know a lot about football. Please do not insult my intelligence by saying that the key to winning a game is to "control the line of scrimmage". Tell me about your nut sack, because that's something I don't know about.

People who talk about the Canadian Football League as if it's a part of Canada's heritage. Really? A sport where every team has artificial turf so the ads painted on the field show up better – this is our heritage? A sport where every single player of note is American – this is our heritage? A sport where ads are placed on the uniforms of players who were too slow to make it in the Arena League (which pays better) – this is Canada? When I hear someone say that they watch the CFL, my first reaction is to laugh in their face. Then I remember that there are people in this world who watched "Three's Company" in the 70's, "Growing Pains" in the 80's, and more recently "The King of Queens". People who buy cds of advertising jingles. People who go to Vegas and pay $60 a ticket to see a live version of "the Price is Right", people who pay to see Nicholas Cage movies, people who like their entertainment to be fifth rate. In short, these people are dumb, not in the unable to speak way, but in the "unable to understand the newspaper" way.

But this time of year what bothers me the most is the lie that is Christmas. You see, as a Jew, I used to have a romanticized view of the holiday. It seemed to be all about sweetness and familial warmth. I believed this until I spent my first Christmas with my ex-girlfriend's family. I was 22 and a student, and we had been a couple since February. I was determined to make a good impression with her family. Both the Irish side and the Polish side.

At the time, I probably had $500 to my name. But I still managed to spend $300 on gifts. My Girlfriend's father liked wine, so he got a $25 bottle (this was 20 years ago as well). Her Mom has a sweet tooth, so a box of Belgian truffles was bought. The twin sisters each got gift certificates to Sam the Record Man. Step mother got a caffetierre. Stepfather an audiophile pressing of a jazz LP. Irish Grandparents got a coffee table book, Polish grandparents a silver picture frame. I even bought a nice bottle of Irish whiskey for Uncle Rick. In short, I went all out. Visiting two malls on the 23rd of December was traumatic, but it was worth it. I was going to be a part of a real Christmas.

Christmas eve at Uncle Rick's got things off to a lousy start as he and Aunt Wendy didn't make an effort to hide their hatred of each other. They picked at each other over everything from the wine glasses not being clean enough to the fact that Rick was spending a lot of late nights "at the office". Painful silence and overcooked ham marked the dinner. Afterwards, I was the only guest who didn't know better than to sit next to Grandpa while "A Christmas Carol" was on. He knew all the lines and delighted in repeating them.

The next day was Christmas! A sunny, snowy day in Toronto that began with brunch at my Girlfriend's father's house. My Girlfriend and her sisters looked hungover and dad and step-mom looked angry. Silence, barely repressed anger and eggs benedict followed.

Early in the afternoon it was off to Mom's house. Mom doesn't usually drink, but on Christmas she made an exception. And she can usually speak properly, but on Christmas she also made an exception. She must have used the words "Jew" or "Jewish" 20 times during the evening. As her ex-husband had left her for a Jewish woman, and since her heritage was Polish, the words were said with a kind of negative inflection. Step-Dad did drink. As did Grandpa and Grandma. Well, I thought, this could get festive. Yep, as festive as a small house full of sullen drunks can get. The turkey was pretty good though. Things really got better when Uncle Rick showed up late in the evening. He slurred out Wendy's regrets. She was either sick, menstruating or on a plane to Argentina – I couldn't really make out Rick's words too clearly. The evening didn't unfold so much as dribble to a painful conclusion.

Later as my Girlfriend walked me to the car, I told her that Christmas wasn't what I expected – no one seemed to enjoy it. She looked stunned: "Don't you get it? We hate Christmas".

And apparently, they hated me, as my Christmas haul totalled one hand knit sweater and a pair of socks.

But I've learned that this family wasn't unique. For along with the "joys" and "love" that Christmas ads and TV specials highlight, every family member brings a lifetime of resentment to the Christmas festival. As outsiders, all we see is the idealized version. But the reality is something dark and depressing.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Comments

[Assman]

We hate Christmas too. Thus, Festivus for the rest of us!