Craig Gets It Off His Chest

Our resident microbiologist, Craig from The Fount of Useless Information has plenty of angst this year...

Brace yourselves and break out your jokes about how long-winded I am, because this may take a while. I've got a lot of problems with you people, starting with...

The guy at my work who decided to grow a ridiculous mustache: You look like you're going to a costume party as Paul, Sr. from American Chopper. Halloween was 2 months ago. Also, none of the women at work seemed to enjoy your sexual harassment when you were clean-shaven, and somehow I doubt that they'll be any more pleased to be harassed by this new hirsute version of you.

Nick Saban: I've been an Alabama fan for a long time. During last year's coaching search, I didn't want you to get hired because I believe you are just a hired gun with no loyalty, and I certainly didn't think anyone should pay $4 million a year for you. However, once you were officially the coach, I bought into it and declared that you only needed to do three things to be considered an improvement over your predecessor: (1) Improve red zone efficiency, (2) Don't ruin a star player's career while trying to run up the score (and no, I haven't forgotten or forgiven Shula for that one), and (3) Beat Auburn. While you managed to avoid having any player's leg snap, you struggled in the red zone and lost to Auburn. In fact, you took four million dollars to have the same record as the guy you replaced. That's well above market value for a .500 season. Here's what I want to know: Which Saban is going to be the coach at Alabama, the one who won SEC and national titles at LSU or the overrated and overpaid one who tanked in Miami? Because right now, I'm afraid I know the answer.

While on the subject of coaches, Bobby Petrino: You've never coached any team I care about, and I hope you never do. You represent everything that is wrong with the constant movement of coaches, from going behind the back of your former boss and mentor to interview for the job he hadn't been fired from yet to leaving your most recent team without notice with 3 games remaining in your first season. I'd say that I hope that Arkansas treats you the way they treated Houston Nutt, but since you've never gone a full year without interviewing for your next job, I don't imagine you'll be around long enough for them to get a chance.

My entire fantasy football team: You either suck or were injured all year long, and I hope a groupie gives you syphilis.

Obnoxious Boston sports fans: You are intolerable whiners when your teams aren't good. You are intolerable whiners when your team is good and loses a game. You are intolerable gloaters when your team is good. You've actually managed to make New York fans look pleasant and mild-mannered. This may, in fact, end up being the single most remarkable accomplishment for your franchises, overshadowing anything the teams themselves do.

All other Boston sports fans: I realize that the previous group is probably the minority, so to you I say, stop allowing these other idiots to represent you. If you could shut up the obnoxious ones, the rest of the world might share, or at least respect, your joy about the success of your teams.

TV network execs and anyone else involved in not rapidly resolving the writers strike: Welcome to the 21st Century, where people download TV shows and buy DVDs. Be willing to pay the writers their share of that, because I assure you I will not be buying Season 4 of Who Wants to Be a Whore on TV or whatever reality show you're trotting out next.

Me: Unless you're prepping to play Mangino in a made for TV movie, you might want to pass on the second helpings at Festivus dinner. Also, while I'm talking to you, the Mangino jokes are getting old. Try finding something new.

Everyone involved in setting up the college football system and the BCS: I love bowl games and I think that college football has one of the best regular seasons of any sport, but this is becoming a really bad joke. Find a way to have playoffs and be done with it. You can still make a fortune in TV revenue while actually crowning a champion, just ask the people running March Madness or any profitable pro sport.

Political commentators, pundits, bloggers and politicians (and the people who listen to them) on both sides: Shut up. That's really the answer to pretty much everything. You all need to shut up. I'm tired of hearing from people on both extremes about how the other side is useless and wants to rape your dogs and eat your children while no one actually bothers to get anything done. If you waste your energy and time thinking of why the other guy is wrong, you'll never be able to actually solve a problem. I just don't care anymore. If you are a politician, shut up and fix things. If you are someone who makes a living stirring up trouble for one side or the other, shut up and find something useful to do. If you spend all your time listening to these people who are trying to divide and conquer, please stop encouraging them and try thinking for yourself. You might find that it's a useful skill.

The people running the company I work for: Are you just high or did you all flunk out of business school around the same time you realized you had no soul? Making idiotic decisions really screws around with the bottom line at a company. Being completely soulless and not caring about your employees destroys morale. Congrats on managing to combine the two. I happen to like what I do and the people I work with, but there are only so many times you can look at a decision made by the higher-ups and wonder why anyone in their right mind would think that would help performance, while at the same time preparing to rush off to the next meeting about whether or not you are going to get to keep your job for another month.

People still using Jerry Maguire quotes: If you are saying "Show me the X" or "You had me at Y" or especially "You complete me" you need to stop. The movie came out over 10 years ago, and it was overrated even then. Saying any of these things does not make you appear witty or on the cutting edge of pop culture; you just sound like a pathetic loser who's about 7 years past his expiration date.

The people in Michigan with Confederate flags on their trucks: Despite growing up in the South, I'm not a big fan of the Confederate flag myself. I see it mostly as the flag of a country which no longer exists and often as a symbol of ongoing racism. Even so, I know that there are people who believe that they need to be proud of where they live (Congratulations, you were born in one part of the country and have never left; that obviously makes you better than everyone else.) and feel the need to tell/show everyone about how they feel. I'm not sure that I agree with it or with using that flag for that reason, but at least I can see where you are coming from...sorta, and I'll give you a pass for the moment. However, to the hillbillies here in Michigan who have never left Michigan and yet proudly display Confederate flags on cars, trucks and hats: You are either an idiot, a racist or (more likely) both.

Merriam-Webster: You named "w00t" as the word of the year. That's brilliant. It's a great way to demonstrate that not only are you encouraging the 13 year-olds who can't speak correctly, but you're about 3 years behind the times while doing so. Maybe next year you can introduce us to the wonders that is the word "radical", grandpa.

People getting all excited about the Mitchell Report: Let me put this plainly. I don't care. He can name all the players he wants, but there is nothing that can be done to change the past. No one was surprised to find that steroids were a problem several years ago, and certainly no one should be shocked now. Trying to say that anything done during the steroid years should be considered invalid is the equivalent of saying that nothing in baseball matters before the game was integrated. Let's worry about striking Barry Bonds from the record book when we strike Babe Ruth from the record book as well. If steroids shouldn't be in baseball, fix the problem and move on and let's stop rehashing what we all already knew two or more years ago.

And finally, Jimmy Dean Sausage: How could you possibly expect Randy Taylor to feed 600 pounds of men, his wife (who's a little plump) and his daughter on a 12 ounce roll of sausage and a couple dozen eggs?

Comments

[Assman]

First of all, zero is not a letter so "w00t" is entirely unacceptable. The folks at MW ought to know this.

Second? Nothing quite says "here comes some sexual harrassment" like a big bushy moustache. Nothing.

[Craig]

I think I musat have screwed up the link to the youtube video. It should have been one more like this (which you shouldn't watch if the idea of seeing a receiver's leg bend awkwardly under him when he comes down from trying to catch a 50 yard bomb his coach called on 4th down even though the teamwas up by 30 points bothers you)

[Art Vandelay]

Perhaps you should send me your grievance with the html already coded next year?

[Craig]

Vandelay,

(a) You'll note that I said that I screwed up.

(b) Of course I should, but that would require not being lazy.

[Art Vandelay]

Nah, I think I screwed it up. How's it look now?

[Schmoopie]

First off, it wasn't Merriam-Webster who named w00t their word of the year. It was the asshats who voted for the word on M-W's website.

Another dictionary chose locavore as its word of the year (chosen by the mucketymucks and not the average joes who vote online). Locavores are the people who make a point of eating food produced locally. Which would be, what, the majority of the world's population? It's like they want a medal for kicking it old-school when it comes to buying groceries.

It cannot be said enough how obnoxious Boston sports fans have become.

[Craig]

How's it look now?

Ah, yes. A link to a poor quality video of an injury so painful looking that it makes me want to throw up. Perfect.

[jackie]

"The people in Michigan with Confederate flags on their trucks"

How about the folks down south with the bumper stickers: "WE WOULDA BEEN MUCH BETTER OFF IF WE HAD JUST PICKED OUR OWN COTTON."

"Perhaps you should send me your grievance with the html already coded next year?"

I love your style.

[TMan]

"If you could shut up the obnoxious ones, the rest of the world might share, or at least respect, your joy about the success of your teams."

If I knew how, I would. As it is, I no longer enjoy going to Sox games because the predominantly 20-somethings who see it as nothing more than an excuse to get drunk on bad, overpiced beer then proceed to yell senseless obscenities until security comes around. Having said that, I have yet to go to a major sporting event where these idiots didn't appear. I used to think they were following me. Now I know that, sadly, our country is overflowing with them. And many of them have Confederate flags on their trucks. I will never forget sitting at an LSU game at Tiger Stadium with one of these idiots two rows behind me yelling, as a LSU player was running in a TD, "Lookit' that nigger run!" No, the fan was not black, nor was he attempting to affect some sort of cool. He was just a drunken idiot with a penchant for racist epithets. Good times.

[Assman]

I will never forget sitting at an LSU game at Tiger Stadium with one of these idiots two rows behind me yelling, as a LSU player was running in a TD, "Lookit' that nigger run!"

Chiles could share some stories with you.