Chiles Does What Chiles Does Best. Bitch.

I gotta a ton of problems with all this nonsense about "a black eye for X sport." Mitchell Report? Whatever. Baseball takes a hit? Whatever. Baseball DOES NOT take a hit. (Figured I'd pay homage to the Benoit crowd right up front.) Why? Because the general public -- once you get past all the faux-righteous indignation (think Mick Vick and killing some fucking dogs) -- does not give a shit. People go to the park to be entertained. Roided up players are entertaining. Everybody loves the long ball. They should just make it legal and move on.

A few baseball obsessed "purists" argue this nonsense on message boards, get tunnel vision -- like Vandelay when faced with Roethlisberger's cock or Klompus faced with any -- and lose any and all sense of a reasonable person perspective. Bottom line: When the sun starts to shine, and it's time to take in a ballgame, folks will gladly be singing about peanuts and crackerjacks, Willie, Mickey and the Duke and not giving a flying fuck whether or not Roger Clemens shoves human crack hormones up his ass.

Speaking of black eyes, can we all agree that suburban late teen / 20-something douchebags who watch entirely too much Yo MTV Raps are a black eye on planet earth? And really, that's putting it mildly.

Of what do I speak? Here's what. 'Bout a week ago. Men's rec 30 and over hockey league in L.I. 30. Post-game, about 11:30 p.m., me and 4 teammates hit the local dive bar. Four people there. Two dudes, two girls. Highly unlikely of age. One girl attention whoring blonde vixen who will wihout be on the pole or the pipe within two years. Belly ring, small of the back tattoos and jeans that (to be fair) were fittin' like a glove. Batshit Fucking Crazy, HOWEVA. Maybe coke, perhaps speed, crack not totally out of the question.

Anyway, one of the two dudes, the chubby one with the tattoos, has apparently given this girl a ring. Gotta figure the thinking is that's the best piece he'll ever get looks wise so he's trying to lock it up. Says here jealous rage we'll wind his fat ass in the clink within three years tops. The other dude, hat tipped to the side, wearing the wife beater and looking about as hard core as Justin Timberlake in Alpha Dog, Son. Well, to really fast forward some other chick just walks straight into the bar, walks right up on the blonde chick, grabs a head full of hair and yanks her right off her stool. And whaddya know we have a real live cat fight right here in this piece of shit long island dive.

Spills into parking lot. Scrapping like those bad newz kennelz. (By the way, 23 months for killing some fucking dogs? Insanity. Infuckingsanity.) So anyway, tattoo fiance boy intervenes and chucks other girl against the bar's plate glass window. (Fortunately, no Marty Janetty effects.) Me and two boys head out to make sure these dudes don't beat up a girl. End up being out there for a good 30 minutes. Long story short? One of my buddies breaks tattoo boys arm, busts up his mouth and the other (justifiably) cracks that crazy blonde bitch with two stiff straight rights to the grille. Highlights from the sound department during the most entertaining 30 minutes of my life in the last 3 or 4 years:

Justin Timberlake Bad Ass Yelling at Anybody and Everybody While Doing Epileptic Threatening Gyrations At The Oxygen In Front of Him: "Son, yo son, I ain't from this Long Island shit!!! I'm from Queens, son!!! I'll do time, for y'all muthafuckas!!! What you looking at, son?!?!?! What you looking at, son?!?!?! I'll fuck all y'all up!!! Yo son, I'm telling you son, I'm a crazy muthafucka and ain't taken my medication for months!!!" The kid weighed about 155 pounds soaking wet and threw punches that would make Marcus Camby and the rest of the NBA proud.

Tattooed Broke Arm Fiance and Crazy Blonde Girl at Girl Who Was Lying on Floor After Being Throw Into Plate Glass Window: Him: "Yeah, she's a ho, everyone knows she sucks a ton of dick." Her: "Not even! SHE LIKES TO SUCK PUSSY!!!"

Tattooed Boy Before He Got His Arm Broke and Mouth Busted in About 15 Seconds: "Yo, y'all don't know me. You don't know how I role. Don't fuck with me man! You wanna fuck with me, we can do this right now! Right Fucking Now!!!" I just looked, laughed and chuckled, but my smaller buddy tried to calm him down, the kid (surprisingly) swung on him and that was the end of that.

To be honest, there is just no way I can do that story justice. Not a chance. You really had to be there, and you really would totally understand my abject fear for the youth of this country. Mind you, earlier that same day I found out about a 14 year-old friend of a friend who is in trouble for an 8:30 a.m. incident in a catholic private school bathroom with a 13 year-old which invovled him texting her "meet me downstairs so i can get topped off" and her replying "i wanna, but u said i don't desrve ur dick?" I dunno, maybe I need to get out more.

One last thing, a special Festivus Fuck You to people who somehow think that guilting tripping you is a solid way to build a relationship. I have a particular person in mind, who will remain unidentified, buy hey, here's a fucking clue: When you're working sixty hour weeks, taking shit from your bosses all day every day, dealing with constant stress, pressure, and, most unfortunately, an insecure female superior, you ARE NOT (I love those guys) really trying to pick up your cell phone messages and get the long winded guilt trip about how you didn't call someone back who has absolutelynothingtofuckingtalkabout other than "So, how was your day?" Listen, I appreciate the love, but if you're just gonna be another nagging, pain in the ass, overall net negative, then, please, do me a favor and leave me the fuck alone.

Happy Festivus Y'All.

-- Chiles

(Typed from 4:39 a.m. to 5:10 a.m. Yeah, I'm still having that problem. Thanks for nothing. Fuckers.)

Comments

[SL22]

I figured you had a case of the 4:30 AM grammar.

And I would have never pegged you as the type who would go around breaking 20 year old kids' arms. You could get into some MTV Raps, dog. Come on. Seventeen five will get you one of these, Chiles. They call me Jeezy the snowman.

[jackie]

I figured you had a case of the 4:30 AM grammar.

Keepin' it real.

"You could get into some MTV Raps, dog."

I'd prefer to get in some MTV Cribs, B. You been here. You know.

[Assman]

Damn, Chiles! You could have been killed! I mean, the guy was from Queens!!!

[jackie]

"Damn, Chiles! You could have been killed! I mean, the guy was from Queens!!!

I'm guessing the Mean Streets of Astoria.

[Ann Tye]

Queens sounds like New Orleans, from which I send Happy Holidays.

[jackie]

"Queens sounds like New Orleans, from which I send Happy Holidays."

I'm officially jealous. Have a few Hurricanes for me and send my best to Bourbon Street.

Happy Holidays to you too, Ms. Tye.

[hdo45331]

Hot, as always, Jackie. Good slapshot.

I need a visual.

Tell me that the two guys wore 3X shirts, and pants down past the crack of their asses.

[Assman]

I'm guessing the Mean Streets of Astoria.

I was thinking White Plains.

[jackie]

"I was thinking White Plains."

As usual, you are probably correct.

"I need a visual...Tell me that the two guys wore 3X shirts, and pants down past the crack of their asses."

Nailed it with the Justin Timberlake kid, HDO. He was rocking the droopy drawers in full effect. Boxers in plain view, although I do not think his little dick was visible.

Other cat was going for more of a stiffed up guido bad boy look with a side of tats. His cap was on perfectly backwards and looked like it had been excessively starched.

[Eli]

Awesome grieve! I'm going to read it again xmas morning to fend off my annual xmas funk.

"Because the general public -- once you get past all the faux-righteous indignation (think Mick Vick and killing some fucking dogs) -- does not give a shit."

This is a tad unthoughtful. The guy ran an illegal gambling ring and tortured and killed dogs for entertainment. What's the problem- he didn't beak enough laws??

[jackie]

"The guy ran an illegal gambling ring and tortured and killed dogs for entertainment."

Two prongs:

1) Gambling: You're not seriously suggesting that running a gambling ring should land you in jail for even 5 months are you? C'mon man, gambling is even legal in some states. Why? It's not a big deal.

2) Torturing Dogs and Killing For Entertainment: How is that different than hunting for sport, not eating the meat and hanging the "trophies" on your wall?

[daveNYC]

Dogs have personality?

This rec league hockey just sounds more dangerous every time you talk about it. There's fights on the ice, guys getting kicked with skates, and bar fights afterwards. Fucking strange.

[Eli]

"1) Gambling: You're not seriously suggesting that running a gambling ring should land you in jail for even 5 months are you? C'mon man, gambling is even legal in some states. Why? It's not a big deal."

He got his trial and they served him- it's not like he couldn't afforded descent lawyers.

"2) Torturing Dogs and Killing For Entertainment: How is that different than hunting for sport, not eating the meat and hanging the "trophies" on your wall?"

The difference is simple: one is legal and the other is not.

[jackie]

"This rec league hockey just sounds more dangerous every time you talk about it. There's fights on the ice, guys getting kicked with skates, and bar fights afterwards. Fucking strange."

And I didn't even post about the time some fill-in on one of our teams used his helmet as a weapon, busted some dude up and Nassau County police had to come down to the rink. Interested in joining us for a skate?

"The difference is simple: one is legal and the other is not."

That just about entirely misses the point. Nicely done.

[Steve]

Great job, Chiles Esq.

I thought SL22 was older than 14, though.

[Ocho ocho]

How the F did Favre get sportsman of the year? Totally given to avert eyes from Pacman, Vick and Steroid. Prepare for the vanillazation ot sports into a palatable bland plate of Guano.