I've got a lot of problems with these people!
George Mitchell: When debating who the worst baseball player of the last half century was, I have always said Cody McKay.
However, I usually follow it up with: "But, say what you will about Cody McKay... Sure he only had 19 total bases in 76 plate appearances in 2004, and it is true that for a catcher he had an unbelievably hard time actually catching a baseball, and maybe he broke the all time record for transferring ones profession from "Major League Baseball player" to "real estate agent", and, yes, his dad does have a ridiculous attraction to grab a mans ass with one hand, rub his shoulders with the other, and whisper gently, delicately, lovingly into their ear , (That had to be really weird the first time Cody reached first base in the majors and his dad made it to first base with him.) but, God damn it, there is no way in hell that motherfucker took steroids!" Now, that saying is shot to hell. Will the fury light tapping of the wrist of the Mitchell Report know no ends?!?
Skinny people: Eat a fucking cheeseburger and quit making me look bad.
These dudes: About three weeks ago, I was flying back from Mexico with my wife. Seated behind us were three guys who just got done with an AWESOME (BRAH!) weekend in Cancun. They dressed and spoke like they were auditioning for Entourage, except they were fat, ugly, and smelled like a hot bag of garbage. There is no way in hell any of those guys showered while they were in Mexico.
Once the plane got in the air, the Turtle of their group fell asleep. He snored. Loudly. I turned around to ask one of his bros to slap him (or something) but they were passed out, too. Then I noticed that this fat ass, stinky, ham sandwich on a hot day, waste of flesh of a man had taken his shirt off and was rocking a wifebeater. On a crowded fucking airplane, after leaving ninety degree temps. It was just lovely.
Now, I'm not saying we should go back to the days of civility where dudes wore suits everywhere and guys had to tip their hats at passing dames... actually, you know what? That's exactly what I'm saying. You guys ruined it for everyone. Way to go, assbutts; your crass, disgusting manners fucked it up for the whole world. I hope you enjoyed your little soirée in Cancun. Now go back to stocking shelfs at the Walgreens in Yellville, Arkansas.
People who think the holidays season is too stressful: Unless you just lost your legs, or your husbands fighting in Afghanistan, or you're gay (or something), the holidays are not stressful. There's booze fucking everywhere. Hell, I've been drunk for like three weeks now.
Happy Festivus, everyone. Be sure to contribute to the Human Fund.
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