The Mile High Club

I suppose it's one's natural inclination to scoff at a club of which they are not a member but ultimately...I don't get it. Rather than try to get in, I'm just gonna overanalyze and take all the fun out of it. It's what I do. After the jump, let's explore the possible reasons that people would want to strive for membership into the Mile High Club...

1. It's a status symbol or a badge of honor: In this scenario, one would use their membership as a means to brag about themselves for acheiving something that most people do not. I'm not so sure it's worthy of my praise though. Most everyone has had really bad, uncomfortable sex. Pound your chest all you'd like but if anyone is actually envious of you, it's because they are freaks.

2. It's one of those things you have to do before you die: In this scenario, one's motivation would be to meet some type of personal goal that they've laid out for themselves in order to obtain self-fulfillment. Far be it for me to dictate what makes you happy but these types of things are usually reserved for cool things such as backpacking the west coast of Europe or playing Augusta. Again, you had bad sex.

3. You're horny and you need to have sex: If you can't wait to get to your hotel or your bedroom or wherever it is on land that you like to fornicate, perhaps you have a problem. You see, there's nothing remotely erotic about an airplane bathroom. It's disgusting. I don't even wanna go to the bathroom in an airplane bathroom. Furthermore, you have about 3 feet by 3 feet. I understand that you have needs but if you were to wait like an hour, you could probably have some good sex rather than looking for room to thrust while your ass is bouncing off of a bunch of strangers' fecal matter.

Look, no offense intended for any members or aspiring members. As I already said, it's not up for me to dictate what makes you happy. Just know that your quest for exclusivity, or security, or self-fulfillment, or even an orgasm is greatly misunderstood.

Comments

[SL22]

3'x3'? I wouldn't have room for my erection.

[Jack Klompus]

"these types of things are usually reserved for cool things such as backpacking the west coast of Europe"

Grandpa, tell us that cool story again about you backpacking Western Europe like a fruity granola douchebag. Pleeeease?!!!

[Puddy]

Grandpa, tell us that cool story again about you backpacking Western Europe like a fruity granola douchebag

Grandpa: I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the summer of You Killed Your Kid...

[Art Vandelay]

Grandpa, tell us that cool story again about you backpacking Western Europe like a fruity granola douchebag. Pleeeease?!!!

Heh. I actually have no desire to backpack the western coast of Europe. I just hear people talk about that all the time. I'm sure my fruity granola douchebag brother has done it.

[Jack Klompus]

"I'm sure my fruity granola douchebag brother has done it."

I thought Eli was an Appalachian Grape-Nuts douchebag? Is there no difference?

[Jack Klompus]

"I just hear people talk about that all the time."

Really? Are you touring with Phish or something?

[Jack Klompus]

"I just hear people talk about that all the time."

Really? Are you touring with Phish or something?

[Jack Klompus]

Fuck you, Typepad.

[Schmoopie]

David Cross had a bit about the oddness of porn magazines being sold in airports. Really. Can these men not control the impulse to masturbate for the duration of the flight? Where are they planning to use the magazine, anyway?

[Art Vandelay]

I thought Eli was an Appalachian Grape-Nuts douchebag? Is there no difference?

Eli disappeared for about a year in Europe when I was in high school. I'm guessing a backpack and a sheet of acid were prominently involved.

This brings us to another question. If you have sex on top of a mountain that's 5000 feet above sea level, are you in the Mile High Club?

[Assman]

3'x3'? I wouldn't have room for my erection.

Neither would most women. Have you tried meeting folks on e-harmany instead?

these types of things are usually reserved for cool things such as backpacking the west coast of Europe

I once backpacked along the east coast of Europe. The rap music was much better.

You're horny and you need to have sex

Wow, Vandalay - it's like you know me. But I hear you on this. If you need mile high booty, go to Denver and pretend to be a med student. The only time I'm having sex in a cramped 3 foot space that smells like a port-o-potty is right after Salma Hayek's god tells her it'd be a good idea to ask me.

[Craig]

I once backpacked along the east coast of Europe. The rap music was much better.

Be careful, you don't want that starting again. The last time that east coast-west coast thing cropped up in Europe most of the world was dragged into the fight. Hip hop had Biggie and Tupac getting shot, but Europe had Archduke Ferdinand.

[Assman]

Be careful, you don't want that starting again. The last time that east coast-west coast thing cropped up in Europe most of the world was dragged into the fight. Hip hop had Biggie and Tupac getting shot, but Europe had Archduke Ferdinand.

I'm not afraid of Suge British Knights. East coast forever!!

[Jack Klompus]

"This brings us to another question. If you have sex on top of a mountain that's 5000 feet above sea level, are you in the Mile High Club?"

No, but that's an insidious practice known as mountain top boning (MTB). I don't think Brother Eli likes when mountain tops are fucked with. (Awaiting Salma follow-up punchline).

"Eli disappeared for about a year in Europe when I was in high school. I'm guessing a backpack and a sheet of acid were prominently involved."

Unfortunately, I never made it to the east coast of Europe... but the beaches on the south coast were a 20-year-old's wet dream come true... so much to see while munching on handfuls of granola.
And that 'sheet of acid' thing was from Taos, NM- a different time, a different girl... or was it the same girl?? Admittedly, the backpack was involved throughout that era.

[Art Vandelay]

MTB...killin' me.

[Eli]

"No, but that's an insidious practice known as mountain top boning (MTB)."

I'm down with MTB...can't say I've been involved though- it's freaking COLD up there. But I have had my share of BTB (Below Tree-Line Boning).

[SL22]

Hmmm. I have a friend affectionately referred to as BTB (Big Titties Beth), but your BTB is more universally applicable. So it may be the official BTB.

[Babu]

Does getting laid in Cuzco, Peru (11,500ft) count as a two-mile high club? Planes fly way way higher than a mile high anyway.

[SL22]

Yeah, but the Mach 0.5 Club isn't very catchy.

[SL22]

Actually, I guess it's closer to Mach 1.

[Bobby P]

Since when is a mile 5000 ft? And the treeline is much higher than 5000 ft, so at 5000 ft you would still be BTBing. [/pedantry]

"Since when is a mile 5000 ft? And the treeline is much higher than 5000 ft, so at 5000 ft you would still be BTBing."

No. It depends on what range you're on. The treeline in the Presidential Range in NH starts at around 4,500 feet give or take. Unless, of course, some asshole decides he's going blow the top off it so everybody has a chance to get laid without having 100 mile an hour wind gusts shooting up their butts.

[Bobby P]

Honestly? 4500 feet? I'll take your word on it, but I'd assume that's more due to exposure than anything else. Back home we're talking the 10,000-10,500 foot neighborhood. And yes I'm a member of the ABtRMTC (Above the Rocky Mountain Tree-line Club).

[Art Vandelay]

Mt Washington has the most fierce weather in the world. I think Eli told me that more people die there than Everest. I'm assuming that's why the tree line is so low.

[Assman]

This is the most scientific, nerdy conversation about getting laid I've ever seen in my life.

[Jack Klompus]

"This is the most scientific, nerdy conversation about getting laid I've ever seen in my life."

No shit. Those ladies on the receiving end must have been like, "If I let you fuck me right here and now on this mountainous terrain, will you promise to stop with the topography lecture?"

[SL22]

Klompus' women don't shave below the bush line.

[Assman]

"If I let you fuck me right here and now on this mountainous terrain, will you promise to stop with the topography lecture?"

"Dear god, tear me in half on this 12% gradient! Hurry, before the adiabatic cooling reaches my loins!"

[Jack Klompus]

"Klompus' women don't shave below the bush line."

Who knew I had a harem of Armenian broads? I didn't.

[Matt]

I'm shocked you were able to get 500 words out of that. Well done!

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