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October 11, 2007

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Schmoopie

Wooo, Orange Pride!

Well said, Assman.

Jack Klompus

"Proud To Be White"

Way to go, Turdlip Johnson. You must be beaming. I, too, was proud when I received my white diploma. Developing a nasaly voice, no rhythm, and skin that catches on fire when exposed to the sun takes hard work. I'm thinking about going for my honkey doctorate, but the daunting task of drinking Starbucks and wearing khakis really scares me. Any advice or words of encouragement? Never mind, I'll ask Vandelay.

"If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" OUR lives"

Well now that you mention it, there is one. And it sounds perfect for you. I'm not sure how many advancement opportunities there'll be, but you'll definitely get the job. And I do hear they like to promote within. You'll just need to make a few small purchases first. You have a pen and paper? Good, write this down: "White hood."

"then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce."

You know, I'll bet all the "plainies" that work at the regular 'ol flavorless Chamber of Commerce would take exception to that. They probably have pride, too. Proud to be a plainie! Maybe they can start a stupid email chain.

"You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us."

And sometimes "they" protect us, heal us, educate us, feed us, entertain us, etc. But that's only when they're not busy robbing, carjacking, and shooting us! Arrrrrgh!

"There is nothing improper about this E-mail."

Of course not. This "Proud to be White" movement is a noble cause. Like Haley Joel Osment paying it forward to a deformed Kevin Spacey face. Better make sure we get some traction before people start thinking silly thoughts, like "slavery is not nice" or "blacks and whites CAN use the same drinking fountain." You know, "off-the-wall" shit like that.

Craig

Apparently, the dude must have thought I was white or something

So you're not white and you're not Samoan? Quite telling us lies upon lies. We deserve the truth.

You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi. You Have Yom Hashoah.

Apparently, "you" are black, hispanic, muslim and jewish. That is one impressive combination.

You Call me "White boy," "Cracker," "Honkey," "Whitey," "Caveman," ... And that's OK.

I'll go on the record here as saying that if you call me white boy, I won't care. If you call me honkey, it may be racist, but I'll just laugh at you. And if you call me caveman, I'll probably get pretty pissed for being associated in any way with that show.

when I call you N*gger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-n*gger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink ... You call me a racist.

Ok, I'm going to have to play my white boy card again here and say that I'm not any of these groups, but if you call someone any of those names, I am calling you a racist and not even bothering to wait for anyone else to say it.

And pride in being orange is something you ought to talk to a doctor about.

Someone's been eating too many carrots.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us.

Wait is this the same "you" that is a hispanic black muslim jew? Also, anyone want to place bets on whether the author of this has ever been robbed, carjacked, shot at or met more than one person who is black, hispanic, muslim or jewish?

You know as simple as it was for you to have a point by point refutation of the idiocy, I think the best argument against the email was that while the words were not the same, it was pretty much the same as a post written on a myspace blog by Adrianne Curry (you know: crazy lady, been on one too many reality shows, married Peter Brady)

Billy

Assman, your people aren't supposed to be able to utilize English. Duh. Not sure this was really necessary, but enjoyable all the same.

Billy

Also curious, did you read about the Diallo case in Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink?" Or were you previously familiar with it?

Kristal K

"Are you kidding? I get WET right now.I think TV Guide lists it as NBC though. Or ABC. Or CBS, maybe."

No -- you really can't count ABC or CBS -- they've got Ugly Betty & Cane, so they are down with Latinos. NBC has Omar Epps on ER -- so really there is a need for a WET channel...

M. Butler

This Cesar Chavez Day sounds fun. Another day I'm supposed to eat zesty burritos, tacos, chips & salsa, and drink my weight in margaritas? Yes please.

Assman

Not sure this was really necessary, but enjoyable all the same.

Well, no. Technically, its for the guy that wrote it. If he can figure out Google, then he'll be here within a few weeks.

Also curious, did you read about the Diallo case in Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink?" Or were you previously familiar with it?

I'm black, I didn't live far from Amadou at the time and I carry a wallet. I pretty much thought about it every day for about 2 years right after it happened.

No -- you really can't count ABC or CBS -- they've got Ugly Betty & Cane, so they are down with Latinos. NBC has Omar Epps on ER -- so really there is a need for a WET channel...

Fair enough. White people need a voice, dammit. They need their ideas to be heard.

Klompus and Craig,
Y'all are killing me.

Art Vandelay

I think I know who wrote this.

Brilliant stuff, Assman.

randi

Good lord. Shit like this sure makes me proud to be white.
Ugh.

Babu

Assman is a black first name? I guess that makes sense...

Jack Klompus

"-- so really there is a need for a WET channel..."

I think that would be WB network. Which is kind of funny seeing as throughout the 90's most people thought WB stood for "Wayans Brothers." But somewhere along the line Buffy the Vamnpire Slayer and Dawson's Creek squatted down and slowly but surely everything was replaced with wall-to-wall OC replicas. Before you knew it, there were 1,000 white people and Taye Diggs 7 days a week.

Aint that just like whitey. I'm so proud, I could start a chain email.

jackie

Grand Slam, Assman.

aaron

kept me from my way overdue work for the entire post and comments. Great stuff.

H.E. Pennypacker

I had no idea who Crispus Attucks was until I looked him up.

(Then again, I'm Canadian, so I didn't really know what the Boston Massacre was, either. Interesting story, though.)

And yeah... I agree with randi; morons like this don't exactly make me proud to be the easily-sunburnt type. Please don't judge us all by the likes of this cracker-ass honky.

Eli

"Brilliant stuff, Assman."

Yea right- Assman should attend out one of Vandelay's pong matches. Is it alright for two white dudes to call each other the n-word??

Craig

No, we call him "officer." After all, he does have a gun. I think they only get called racist when they say things like, "you're under arrest, camel-jockey." Or when they they shoot black dudes 41 times for carrying a wallet.

Also curious, did you read about the Diallo case in Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink?" Or were you previously familiar with it?

I'm black, I didn't live far from Amadou at the time and I carry a wallet. I pretty much thought about it every day for about 2 years right after it happened.

Not to be rude to the person who asked the question, but...I'm white, I lived absolutely nowhere near where it happened, and I have never had to worry about a cop shooting me for pulling out my wallet because he's automatically going to think I'm pulling out a wallet not a gun, but I still was familiar with it when it happened because cops shot at an unarmed man 41 times and killed him. It was kind of a big news story.

Also, in response to the original statement about shooting a guy 41 times, they only hit him 19 times, so they may have been racists (or more likely even if the individuals themselves were not racists, were part of a much larger underlying problem that reinforced racist thinking and encouraged the thought that blacks were automatically involved in a criminal activity), but they were also bad shots who really enjoyed their job too much. (I say that not to make fun of this but to make this point: 41 times? 19 hits? If there had been anyone even close to him, there could easily have been multiple deaths. With such complete disregard for whether they hit the subject and whether they were doing the right thing, these guys may as well have been issued hand grenades to kill wallet carrying West Africans.)

But when I call you N*gger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-n*gger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink ... You call me a racist.

Something about this struck me as I thought about it while mowing the lawn this weekend. (What? I needed something more interesting to think about than "Oh look out for that stick. I don't wanna run that over.") Did you make the changes to make the letter say "n*gger" or did the original author write it that way? If he wrote it that way, I am totally confused by his lack of commitment to his thesis. Well, that and his lack of understanding. It's not the letter "I" that makes the word some awful. It's not even the word itself. It's the hatred that is wrapped up in that word. How is it that this guy can (a) miss that point (ok, that's because he's an idiot, which we have already established) and (b) be afraid of writing the word out when he has no problem saying that he doesn't want to be labelled a racist if he uses it and he has no problem saying things like towelhead, chink and kike. Why not remove vowels there too?

As a white guy, you may not know this... but pretty much everything you try to be successful at in this country is that much easier just because you are white.

Also, I'm pretty sure that there is a great response to this, but I'm hoping that someone else will provide a list of those things that go the other way, because I don't want to be the one to have to argue with the person who misses the sarcasm and overreacts to a joke.


Jack Klompus

"As a white guy, you may not know this... but pretty much everything you try to be successful at in this country is that much easier just because you are white."

Except basketball, dancing, and rapping. And if for some reason you were trying to have a 2 foot dick...being successful at that would be an uphill battle for a white man as well.

Assman

Except basketball, dancing, and rapping. And if for some reason you were trying to have a 2 foot dick...being successful at that would be an uphill battle for a white man as well.

It's also harder to buy cheap shit in Chinatown, average more then 4.5 yards per carry and score with white chicks. Outside of that, it's all gravy.

Billy

Craig,
I was in 6th grade when the Diallo incident happened. Sorry I hadn't heard of it before I read the book. Didn't know it was such a well-publicized incident.

Craig

average more then 4.5 yards per carry

Yeah, but we're allowed to be quarterbacks (especially immobile ones) and to coach the teams...

and score with white chicks. Outside of that, it's all gravy.

Are you saying it's easier for a white guy to score with any non-white women? (This is probably an entirely different discussion, isn't it.)

Craig

Craig,
I was in 6th grade when the Diallo incident happened. Sorry I hadn't heard of it before I read the book. Didn't know it was such a well-publicized incident.

Ok, point taken. (and way to make me feel positively ancient since I was out of college and married.)

I certainly couldn't tell you anything about what happened in the news when I was in 6th grade, unless that news had to do with video games, football or a sudden realization that girls had boobs.

chris

This letter ignores that there ARE white days, scholarships, clubs, entertainment, etc. Or else what the hell was my Italian scholarship to college all about? And those Polish/Italian/Irish/Ukrainian clubs that I see around must not exist. And St Patrick's Day, Bastille Day, etc are for...who exactly?

But this is just angry white man syndrome rearing its ugly head again. White men are so powerless in this society.

Mike

Hello, I had a former friend post this with some enthusiam on the web as well. I thought I'd share my response (I was trying to be gentle, forgive me):

I think there are some problems in the thinking here. Summarily speaking, I think what is being most overlooked is the monolithic nature of white privilege. Yes, some members of minority groups may identify with the NAACP, but white people have controlled all three branches of the federal government since its inception. White history month is everyday in our history classes; WET is on nearly even channel (NBC, ABC, PBS, FOX, CNN, etc.)

I also believe that the so-called “Black-only colleges” identify as “historically black colleges”—political correctness aside—they still employ the white man’s Western philosophical assumptions, mostly now derived from the 17th century enlightenment. Remember this is the same enlightenment that dawned Darwinism (which, in its revised forms, can be valid in-and-of-itself) but was used by 19th century thinkers to assume the white man, being more evolutionary fit, had dominion not only over freed slaves but over the world in order to provide a moral clarity (there are some early strands of neo-conservatism in this late 19th century liberalism.)

As for holidays, this “poem” over looks several holidays. First to come to mind is Christmas where a fat jolly white man expresses his benevolence to those who aren’t naughty. Or Columbus Day which celebrates a white man who cut off the ears of natives who did not provide him with enough gold (as sparse or as non-existent as it may have been) and crimes too heinous to do to justice to right now. Or Thanksgiving where whites have painted a picture of being welcomed and cherished by indigenous North Americans. Presidents Days celebrates slave-owning George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, who thought that whites were superior to blacks and wanted to colonize and move them to Latin America. Not to mention that some of the mentioned holidays are really ways of that powerful Americans appropriate and control history. Some black radicals are appalled by MLK day and think that the only reason he is revered by white liberals is that it glorifies a passive resistance, which is less threatening to an oppressor—so, from this point of view, it is a white holiday.

Assuming that this is only speaking to the context of the U.S. in regards to the perceived limitations of only whites being called “racist”, it overlooks racism between minority groups. Racism is alive and acknowledged in these communities, and overlooking it is a proof of the tunnel vision of white privilege and a bad justification of finding ways to preserve and proliferate white power.

shak

Thank you so much for this post. Every couple months this "poem" resurfaces on myspace and I always want to respond but become mentally drained thinking about the pure ignorance of those that buy into it. It hurts that folks are so unaware. Many are just well intentioned bigots who don't know any better.

White Boy

When I look at a person I see no color.
I have had other look at me and they do see color. I wonder why this is? I was born in the United States of America, not in Africa, Italy, France, Great Britain. I am an American not African American, Mexican American, Japanese American White American, just plain old American.

When I went to school, there were Schools for Whites and Schools for Blacks. No Schools for the Yellow race, why was that? The Yellow race went to the White School.

I have to agree with some of the Things that you as Americans who want to be called African Americans disagree with, not all of them. You do have leaders who will use the "RACE CARD" to get their way. The Whites are not allowed to use a "RACE CARD" we would be Racists if we did.

Most of the Black African American men wants white blonde girlfriends, most Black women are not that attractive unless they have a lot of white blood in them and I have seen some very beautiful Black women, but I would not want one of them as a mate, a friend yes. A lot of the White Blonde wants Black African American who are living the good life as National Sports figures, for the money not your black dicks.

You have come a long way and still you are not happy, then you will never be happy until you have it all, will you?

Some of you African Americans have chosen the Religion of the African Slaves that were brought to the United States The Muslim Islamic Religion.

Some of your African Ancestors came over with the British before this was even the United States. Have you put up any protest to the British Government to be paid restitution?

Hell why am I writing this ,you don't give a shit about any "White boy," "Cracker," "Honkey," "Whitey," "Caveman," "Red Nick" "White Trailer Trash" or "White Nigger" do you?.

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