With Halloween right around the corner, the A of G pyschology department has compiled a list of commonly worn adult Halloween costumes and analyzed how the choice of costume relates to human personality. A daunting task, to say the least. Especially given how busy we've been with all the research around Southerners and retardation. Nontheless, our results are in. So make sure you read carefully in the event you are planning on going to a friend's costume party this weekend. Your choice may say more about you than you think.
First things first, let's clear up one thing. The list below does not pertain to tandem or group costumes. Trying to analyze that would be an exercise in futility. We have to make the assumption that any man-woman tandem costume means that the man is pussy-whipped. The rest have to be thrown out because they are too specialized. In addition, the costumes analyzed are a mix of traditional and popular choices. The purpose of that is to highlight instances where little or no imagination was put into the selection of the costume, thereby making the choice a greater reflection on the actual personality of the costume-wearer. Finally the list has been separated out by gender. While all costumes can be unisex, they have been categorized here based on societal norms. Now for the list, all in the name of science:
Males:
Superhero -- You have an inferiority complex...and a weird thing for pantyhose.
Mummy -- You have a severe bondage fetish. I'll bet your Internet Explorer History has a litany of visited websites to corroborate that.
Caveman -- You like any excuse to get naked around other guys. You probably played on a lacrosse team at some point in your life.
Vampire -- What else besides, you're officially gay. You and the guy dressed as a cowboy. Both gay. End of story.
Cowboy -- see Vampire.
Werewolf -- You really love animals. Maybe too much. Either that, or you secretly wish you were Pete Sampras.
Devil -- You haven't been laid in a while. In your little fantasy world, women will think you're the bad boy they never knew about. In reality, you're just a douchebag with a red face and a plastic pitch fork going home alone. Again.
Pirate -- The vampire and the cowboy are over there.
Clown -- You're a sad, tortured soul on the inside. And your attention to detail with all that make-up? You're without question a pedophile or a serial killer, perhaps both.
70's guy -- You parents have poor taste in clothing and refuse to throw anything away.
80's guy -- You're just like your parents.
Star Wars character -- It's amazing someone invited you to a party at all. Are there any women there? The saddest part is, you've worn this outfit many times -- and not just on Halloween.
Females:
Nun -- You're overweight. Or pregnant.
She-devil -- You haven't been laid in a while. You're thinking men might get your signal. You're right.
Catwoman -- You're slutty. But you're wearing the spandex because you have a few problem areas you're afraid to show off.
Wonder Woman -- You're slutty. And you're ready to show it all.
Cheerleader/School Girl -- You're a dirty girl that enjoys being spanked.
Nurse -- You're a dirty girl that enjoys giving spankings.
French Maid -- You're...such a whore. Wow.
Football player -- You're adventurous. You like trying new things. And you wonder if that girl in the nurse costume is a good kisser.
Witch -- You hate men. You wish they would all leave the party -- except for Dracula, Brokeback, and Johnny Depp. They seem to be keeping to themesleves. And you're thinking next Halloween you might dress up as a groom.
Groom -- The L Word is totally the best show on TV. And you prefer to pump your own gas. You're a full-blown lesbian.
Feel free to add your own to the list.
This post deserves a proper response, and I'll write it up later.
In the meantime, I have to recover from the realization that I am screamingly, outstandingly, mind numbingly gay. Gayer than I previously thought was possible. How am I going to break this to my lesbian wife?
Posted by: Assman | October 25, 2007 at 06:27 PM
"I have to recover from the realization that I am screamingly, outstandingly, mind numbingly gay."
That's a lotta gay. Are you going as a Vampirate or something?
Posted by: Jack Klompus | October 25, 2007 at 07:53 PM
I'm going as the dick in a box guy.
Posted by: M. Butler | October 25, 2007 at 08:01 PM
What if I'm an inferior superhero?
Posted by: Art Vandelay | October 25, 2007 at 08:01 PM
I think Vandelay should go for the blackface.
Posted by: jackie | October 25, 2007 at 09:49 PM
You gotta admit, I'd make a wicked B.I.G.
Posted by: Art Vandelay | October 25, 2007 at 11:37 PM
So, are there any acceptable costumes for guys then? I'm not going to complain, because I do my best to avoid dressing up, but I am curious what costumes you think say something good (or at least not negative) about the guy wearing them.
Are you going as a Vampirate or something?
Klompus, I'm at work. Stop trying to make me laugh audibly.
Posted by: Craig | October 26, 2007 at 09:45 AM
"So, are there any acceptable costumes for guys then? "
Of course. I'll remind you, the ones I listed are commonly-used ideas that require little or no imagination. But between movie/TV/cartoon characters, historical figures, and current event headliners -- options are limitless. That's not to say unacceptable costumes won't come out of that (i.e., Star Wars) but at least there's a chance. And if you are as rotund as you say you are, you have an advantage when it comes to comedic value in halloween costumes. Save for competitive eating, it's about the only time where fat guys have a flexibility advantage. Cartoon characters in general are oddly shaped, and usually in the favor of the unfit. Who's gonna play a better Peter Griffin, for example -- you or some waify kayak paddler? On top of that, you have the irony angle. A normally thin character can be made funny when stretched out; as well, it's about the only exception wherein dressing up as a female chracter is acceptable (it has to be made disgustingly funny).
Posted by: Jack Klompus | October 26, 2007 at 10:12 AM
I think I am going to be a play on the 'dick in a box' skit from SNL. I am going to wear a box and just be a dick to everyone (which shouldn't be hard since most people think I am a dick anyway) or just wear a Bush mask and a box.
Is that gay?
Posted by: Babu | October 26, 2007 at 12:07 PM
"I think I am going to be a play on the 'dick in a box' skit from SNL. I am going to wear a box and just be a dick to everyone (which shouldn't be hard since most people think I am a dick anyway) or just wear a Bush mask and a box.
Is that gay?"
Not at all. Unless, of course, you wear your cycling outfit with it.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | October 26, 2007 at 12:37 PM
Unless, of course, you wear your cycling outfit with it.
Which would cover being a dick as well.
Posted by: Art Vandelay | October 26, 2007 at 12:47 PM
That's a lotta gay. Are you going as a Vampirate or something?
Please refrain from snooping in my closet in the future, thank you.
Now excuse me as I go make a meal out of some cock.
Posted by: Assman | October 26, 2007 at 03:22 PM
"Now excuse me as I go make a meal out of some cock."
Shit, now you sound like the gay Hamburger Helper.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | October 26, 2007 at 05:56 PM
Geisha: Submissive until someone tries to spank you. You reach in your kimono and say, "Back off or I'll cut off your dick with my ginsu and serve it to you in a box."
with MotherPopcorn
Posted by: mathesond | October 27, 2007 at 01:24 AM