Actually, I definitely do not. Speak of the Devil, though. All this talk about unwanted pets and creepy-crawlies. So I am walking out to my garage today to go pick up my daughter and what's waiting for me? A big 'ol Black Widow spider. It was rather impressive looking. And apparently they help control other insects. But you know what? I pay an exterminator for that. And since the spider is not paying rent or part of the mortgage, I consider it trespassing. Therefore I chose to evict it (sorry, PETA).
Could I have done it more humanely? Yes. Could I just have left it alone like Vandelay's skunk. I suppose. But I wouldn't be able to explain to my daughter why her old man was too much of a pussy to kill the itsy bitsy spider before it bit her. So what does this all mean? Well if karma has anything to say about it, I'll be the victim of a serious spider bite at some point. Hopefully it won't have a gang of lizards and termites to team up with.
Oh...Karma's a bitch. Suddenly, I'm feeling quite okay about having a skunk live with me.
For the record, that thing would have suffered the same fate in my house. Right after I called my father in law to come over.
What'd you use?
Posted by: Art Vandelay | August 30, 2007 at 03:48 PM
"What'd you use?"
I hit it with my cock. No, I used a dog toy. It was a swifter weapon than my shoe.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | August 30, 2007 at 03:58 PM
Why was your daughter out in the garage all alone with a black widow?
I'm not one for animal cruelty, but I freely admit that if it is in my house and I have neither invited nor named it, I will probably kill it (or if my wife is around, chase it out). Unfortunately, this philosophy led to some problems when my mother-in-law came for a visit without an invitation, but those charges are still pending.
Posted by: Craig | August 30, 2007 at 04:03 PM
"Why was your daughter out in the garage all alone with a black widow?"
She wasn't. She was at daycare. Apologies, my wording was not clear.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | August 30, 2007 at 04:11 PM
I hit it with my cock. No, I used a dog toy. It was a swifter weapon than my shoe.
You could have used that broom. The Yankees just finished with it.
Hey-yo!
Posted by: Art Vandelay | August 30, 2007 at 04:21 PM
She wasn't. She was at daycare. Apologies, my wording was not clear.
It was clear enough that I knew exactly what you meant, even if I acted like I didn't. The idea of you going to the garage because she was in there waiting for you just made me laugh. Especially since she was just hanging out with a spider, as if she were Little Miss Muffet.
Posted by: Craig | August 30, 2007 at 04:28 PM
"The idea of you going to the garage because she was in there waiting for you just made me laugh. Especially since she was just hanging out with a spider, as if she were Little Miss Muffet."
Ah, I see. Thanks for clearing that up in the weirdest and most pedophiliac tone possible.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | August 30, 2007 at 05:49 PM
I'm glad you guys cleared that up.
Posted by: Art Vandelay | August 30, 2007 at 07:12 PM
I was bitten by a spider a few weeks ago in two places on my leg. It was itchy and red and nasty looking. I had to go to the doctor to get antibiotics, because I was afraid that my leg was going to fall off. It's us against them, as far as I'm concerned. You see anything with more than four legs, you kill that mothersucker!
Posted by: E-Boogie | August 31, 2007 at 02:52 PM
Could you have at least taken a non-blury as all fuck picture before you sent it to the great web in the sky?
Found this at Wikipedia though "Research in Chile about increased virility resulting from Black Widow spider bites found spermicidal qualities associated with the venom, in addition to rumored priapism coupled with involuntary ejaculation. "Spider bitten" men anecdotally had "super virility" after recuperating from a spider bite.
That's only the one in Chile though, so no major loss.
Posted by: | September 01, 2007 at 11:57 AM
I holler at my son if he torments ants or beetles. Small, harmless-looking household spiders don't bother me too much. But centipedes and millipedes? I reward my child for killing those, the more dramatically, the better.
At the in-laws' pool, there was a millipede inside the screened lanai, about a foot from the pool. Just a small millipede, but no matter. We all splashed water at it—and then somebody grabbed the Super Soaker. My kid blasted away until the critter was washed under the crack and out of the pool enclosure. If it had instead been blasted into bits, no loss.
And I'm almost a vegetarian. The hundred- and thousand-legged fuckers, though? No mercy.
Don't get me started on the time the millipedes infested the neighborhood and you'd have 40 to stomp on the front porch each time you came home in the evening. *shudder*
Posted by: Schmoopie | September 03, 2007 at 10:13 AM