Glass Houses, Throwing Stones

So, your boy Michael Vick cops a plea, and its looking like he gets some jail time. Sexy. PETA vegans everywhere can start fellating themselves in joy while staving off the hunger pangs. Fantastic. Let's all have a beer at Jim Mora's house.

If you're a weenie internet site or a talking head show on a sports network, you're asking the hypothetical question regarding whether or not Vick will ever play football again. Salacious. Edgy. Topical. And pretty silly because there's about a 971,024% chance he gets signed to play football for some NFL team the second he steps out of jail with all four limbs intact. Thanks for wasting your own time and bandwidth.

The only hypothetical question I want an answer to is this:

What's the next retarded crime that 1000's of people commit every day that some athlete is going to get screwed for doing?

And I'm not saying dog-fighting shouldn't be illegal. (Insert canned disclaimer about how vile, etc. it is, and blah blah, you don't fucking care, blah) I'm saying... people have dog fights. People gamble. People use steroids. People hide their weed in stupid places when they travel through airports. I gamble - hell, I'm about to gamble with some cats this weekend. Suck it, Johnny Law. My wife used to hide her weed in a coffee can. People do these things. Let's not act like it's new, you fancy-assed high horse riders. Get over yourselves.

So, with Bonds done raping Henry Aaron's corpse, Tim Donaghy singing like an American Idol contestant, and with Vick going to jail to spread herpes like strawberry jam on toast, the media's going to need a new "we hate him" guy tomorrow. I'm taking three guesses.

Jaywalking:
It's a longshot, for sure. I mean, you can jaywalk live on the evening news standing next to a cop and still not get in trouble for it. But what if Peyton Manning gets caught jaywalking in downtown Boston? Does he get written up for it by some homer cop jackass? Does it make the news? Does he have to give a press conference apologizing to the city of Indianapolis for being a jaywalking maverick? Does Roger Goodell suspend him for a game if he's convicted? I'm truly curious about this. If for no other reason than to see athletes being forced to hold hands and cross only at the corners for a few months afterward.

Downloading Some Stolen Music:
Of the (and I'm guessing at the number here) jillions of people that steal crap music every day, what are the odds that none of them are pro athletes? I'd say (and I'm guessing at the number here) zero. So, who's getting rung up by the industry for it and being forced to apologize to the artist for stealing their 8 cents of royalty? Is Ichiro going to get in trouble for downloading a Boredoms album? How does Carmelo Anthony feel about Klymaxx? I honestly think this one could actually happen, and I hope that Metallica gets all shitty and indignant, then refuses to ever let the team they play for rock "Enter Sandman" over the PA system again.

Stealing Cable:
I'm not saying you're doing it now, but if you haven't stolen cable at some point in your lifetime, you lose. Cable is expensive for no reason, and being able to marvel at how much more funny Reno 911 is when you realize its free is everyone's god given right. And, despite athletes being (and I'm guessing at the number here) jillionaires, they know a good deal when they see it. Slip the cable guy a $50 and a tip about your co-worker's bad hip, and they're good with Showtime for life. So, who gets caught for this? Sidney Crosby? I'd giggle my ass off.

This was a retarded post. But, look - my point is valid. Somebody's going to go down for some shit that we do all the time. I'm just hoping that whoever it is plays for some team that I hate. Yeah.

Comments

[Nominal Me]

How can you tell someone is a screw up? When the only defense someone can give you is "other people break laws too."

[Art Vandelay]

I like the transition from the underground world of fighting and executing dogs to gambling and getting caught with an eight of dope. Not enough O's in smooth.

I bet Carmelo is a huge fan of Klymaxx.

Assman, aren't you like 27? How do you remember shit like Klymaxx from when you were in Kindegarten?

[Craig]

"...there's about a 971,024% chance he gets signed to play football for some NFL team the second he steps out of jail with all four limbs intact."

I've gone back and forth between that viewpoint and the "no one will touch him" viewpoint. I think I've finally settled on the not likely making it back to the NFL extreme for a few reasons.

(1)People like dogs. They like them more than they like humans. Whoever picks him up has to deal with a ton of complaints from citizens and animal rights groups.

(2) The most reasonable scenario right now, Vick misses the 07 and 08 seasons and looks to come back in 09. That's a long time to be out of the game, especially for someone playing quarterback.

(3) And this is the one that really makes a difference: I can see this turning out differently if Vick were a great player. He's not. He's exciting, but he isn't a good quarterback. Having him running your team is not a significant upgrade over whomever he would be replacing.

Then again, we seem to all like to completely ignore that Jamal Lewis had to do time for attempting to distribute cocaine, so what do I know.

Back to your main point, sure people who are more famous are going to get taken down for things that most people would get away with, because they are used to set an example for everyone else. That's why Martha Stewart went down for insider trading when what she did was relatively minor compared to many other people. That's why Vick's co-defendants started getting plea deals to give more information. It's bigger news to get the bigger star. It's not fair, but these people are still being held to the law, not to a second set of rules.

The difference between gambling, steroids, jaywalking, illegal downloads, stealing cable, etc. and dog fighting is that one smacks seriously of sociopathy. Again, so do things like spousal abuse, assault, rape, etc., and we seem to be ok with athletes performing those at times.

[Jack Klompus]

"And pretty silly because there's about a 971,024% chance he gets signed to play football for some NFL team the second he steps out of jail with all four limbs intact."

And there's a 971,204% chance that "some NFL team" will be the Raiders.

[Assman]

Vandelay,
I had radio in Kindergarten. Klymaxx was on it. So there.

Craig,
In a world where Ray Lewis is playing football, Qyntel Woods is walking free and Ricky Williams is carrying pot in his pocket right now, I have a hard time believing that 2 years isn't enough time for tempers to cool enough for someone to get Vick as a 2nd string QB. Everyone gets a second chance when they sell tickets. Celebrity is stupid and Americans love football. He'll be back.

[Assman]

Klompus,
I wasn't going to say anything, but... well, yeah.

[Ocho Ocho]

Vick will be back. He will fill seats and as much as winning that drives decisions in professional sports. I dispute that he was not a great QB. He was somewhere along the development curve to being a faster Steve Young with better arm. Steve Young himself thought as much.

The real issue is will he be like Ali or Tyson after the break. Physically and psychologically neither were the same after his hiatus.

I am sad for what he did and disgusted. I am also sad that some redneck will generalize that all black athletes are criminals and cite this example. I am sad that this same person will view this as a victory.

I am also sad that the African-American community turned a blind eye to the evidence and automatically assumed he was being railroaded. Many have been screwed by the criminal justice system throughout America's history, but not many wealthy athletes in the 21st Century. OJ was in the 20th century but still deserves mention. Jason Williams killed a his dog and his driver and walked. Pac Man Jones is a free man still regardless of the facts of the case. Kobe had sex with a white girl who alleged rape in Colorado. Michael Jackson beat all sorts of weird shit. Whether you like it or not, we have come a long way baby, as far a black men with resources are concerned.

What will all those who blindly supported Vick say niow. I would love a post that addresses that. Michael Vick, you broke my heart.

[jackie]

Michael Jackson is black?

[Ocho Ocho]

He was . .

[lattalayne]

"Michael Jackson is black?"

When it's convenient.

[Art Vandelay]

Then again, we seem to all like to completely ignore that Jamal Lewis had to do time for attempting to distribute cocaine, so what do I know.

Well he spent like 3 months in a halfway house conveniently set up so that he wouldn't miss any football. Ed Garland is a fucking genius.

Craig, the premise of your argument makes no sense to me. Famous people have money. That money gives them special treatment in 90% of criminal cases. That's the bottom line.

I am also sad that the African-American community turned a blind eye to the evidence and automatically assumed he was being railroaded. Many have been screwed by the criminal justice system throughout America's history, but not many wealthy athletes in the 21st Century. OJ was in the 20th century but still deserves mention. Jason Williams killed a his dog and his driver and walked. Pac Man Jones is a free man still regardless of the facts of the case. Kobe had sex with a white girl who alleged rape in Colorado. Michael Jackson beat all sorts of weird shit. Whether you like it or not, we have come a long way baby, as far a black men with resources are concerned.

Forgetting someone?

[Jack Klompus]

"When it's convenient."

When would it be convenient for Michael Jackson?

[Craig]

Craig, the premise of your argument makes no sense to me. Famous people have money. That money gives them special treatment in 90% of criminal cases. That's the bottom line.

Which is why I included the bit about Jamal Lewis and "what do I know". I think the points I raised were valid, but in the end, being famous and rich will probably win out.

[lattalayne]

"When would it be convenient for Michael Jackson?"

The exact year was 2002, I believe:

(from VH1 News)

"Michael Jackson took on Sony Music chairman Tommy Mottola this past weekend, accusing the head of his record company of being a racist and part of a racist conspiracy against black artists.

Though it was anticipated that Jackson would challenge standard practices of the music industry and champion artists' rights when he spoke at the Rev. Al Sharpton's National Action Network in New York's Harlem neighborhood on Saturday, his personal attacks against the Sony executive came as a surprise, not least of all to Sharpton himself.

Most of Jackson's comments were constrained to the overall treatment of black artists, the struggle of whom he said he shared. The pop star compared his troubles with his record company to those of artists who struggled financially, saying that there was an "incredible injustice" taking place.

"The recording companies really, really do conspire against the artists," Jackson said. "They steal, they cheat, they do everything they can, especially [against] the black artists. ... People from James Brown to Sammy Davis Jr., some of the real pioneers that inspired me to be an entertainer, these artists are always on tour, because if they stop touring, they would go hungry. If you fight for me, you're fighting for all black people, dead and alive.""

[jackie]

Didn't the gloved one also get in bed with honorable minister louis and them during the whole jesus juice fiasco?

[lattalayne]

Yeah, Jackie, I think he may have been black that month, too.

[OCHO OCHO]

I give up who am I forgetting?

[Ocho Ocho]

Would anyone care if Michael Jackson were eaten by camels in his now native Barhrain?

[Art Vandelay]

I give up who am I forgetting?

You're dead to me.

[jackie]

"You're dead to me."

Well, break out the femaldahyde for me too then.

No idea.

[Art Vandelay]

Really?

[Assman]

I suppose you've all forgotten that Vandelay hates Ray Lewis more than any human being living today?

[Art Vandelay]

Right? I'm a little concerned I haven't made that clear enough now. I may need to write a new post.

[Jack Klompus]

"I suppose you've all forgotten that Vandelay hates Ray Lewis more than any human being living today?"

More than Tom Brady?

[Ocho Ocho]

You cant mean the Right Reverend Ray Lewis?