The Moral to Benoit's Story

Something happened on the AofG yesterday that needs to be talked about.

Sure, we all had fun with Chris Benoit and the gang of educational failures his death brought out of the woodwork. Yes, we're all going to spend the rest of our lives reading news stories like this one and thinking, "Yeah, I can see that happening." But on a more serious note, we unfortunately had a brush with a level of educational existence that was so sub-par that it hurt. I know I personally am a changed man.

Especially after having read a comment that I can easily say was unequivocably the most retarded group of words ever placed in tandem in the history of American existence.

I realize I could have just responded to it in the comments section at the time, but, dammit, I needed a full night to absorb it and to accept the feelings that it aroused in me. Plus? I'm kind of an asshole and wanted to make a big deal out of it for no reason. One paragraph of complete human malfunction... after the jump...

to Chris Benoit and the Benoit family,hi im srry to hear about the events that have happened. when i first saw the WWE death segment this morning on the news i thought they were talking about vince mcmahons fake death. then they said ur name and ur wife and ur child i dont know what happened but whatever the problem was it should have been dealt with in another fashion. i grew up watching hulk hogan, andre the giant and wrestlers up to this day and i can honestly say that chris was the most energetic...im gonna give it my all type of wrestler he was the greatest in my opinion i will miss u much chris just like the rest of rabid wolverines may you be the greatest champ in heaven next to god and im sure he will protect you as well. to mrs. benoit and ur child may god be with them as well...we love u chris and we will be waiting ur return to the ring.......... Rob

I... uh... I... well, okay. I'm just going to go through this piece-by-piece:

to Chris Benoit and the Benoit family,hi im srry to hear about the events that have happened.

I'm not touching punctuation and spacing. I'm just not. I will, however, remark on the fact that a comment being left on a website hosted by various peripheral characters from Seinfeld is being directly addressed to a dead man. A dead man that probably never read the site, was never on Seinfeld, and, most importantly, is dead. Were we even sure he could read when he was alive? I'm going to need some research done here.

By the way... this happened a lot yesterday. Do people routinely speak to the dead on the internet? Is Yahoo Messenger that powerful? Maybe I do need an iPhone...

when i first saw the WWE death segment this morning on the news i thought they were talking about vince mcmahons fake death. then they said ur name and ur wife and ur child i dont know what happened but whatever the problem was it should have been dealt with in another fashion.

Again... I'm not touching punctuation. But this statement addresses the idea that a famous person was found dead in an apparent murder-suicide and... somehow... reporting this on the news was the inappropriate way to proceed. Perhaps we could have found out about it at the next pay-per-view, after Randy Orton brought his corpse into the ring to pin it? Maybe the WWE could have sent the Brooklyn Brawler around door to door with an informative pamphlet? Could we all have gotten text messages saying "yo - crippla is teh d3adn355 - $vince"? What would have been a more appropriate way to disperse this news than.... I dunno... putting it on the news?

I'm not going to pretend to understand what he could have possibly meant by this. Maybe he was referring to the fact that Benoit killed his family and perhaps he hopes that inter-family conflict could have been dealt with in another fashion? And if so, we're going to have to recalibrate the word "understatement" because that is easily the most understated sentiment in history.

i grew up watching hulk hogan, andre the giant and wrestlers up to this day and i can honestly say that chris was the most energetic...im gonna give it my all type of wrestler he was the greatest in my opinion

Then your opinion is shit.

i will miss u much chris just like the rest of rabid wolverines

Okay, I'll grant you that you might miss Chris Benoit, but what other rabid wolverines could you possibly be missing? Was there ever an occasion whereupon you encountered a rabid wolverine and it left you with a fond memory? That's not the kind of thing you miss. Unless, of course, you're a fucking retard.

And by the way... I'm guessing you're a fucking retard. I want to be candid.

may you be the greatest champ in heaven next to god and im sure he will protect you as well.

Is there pro wrestling in heaven? And, if so, does this statement mean "I hope you are the greatest champ, aside from God, of course" or does it mean "I hope you are the greatest champ after forming a tag team with God and winning the championship belts from Hermes and Minerva in a tables, ladders and chairs match"? Or maybe he expects Benoit to win the intercontinental championship of heaven with god as his manager, slipping him steel chairs when the ref isn't looking? Needless to say, I lost some sleep last night thinking about this one.

Although it would be interesting if there was pro-wrestling in heaven. Right now, there would be a battle royal going on between a bunch of dead steroid users and, suddenly, you'd hear Saint Peter say, "And it looks like Junkyard Dog is about to lay a headbutt on Adrian Adonis, who, ironically, died by decapitation in a car accident, and... wait.... is that... dear god, that's Chris Benoit's music!"

to mrs. benoit and ur child may god be with them as well

Okay, so his family would be managed by God too? I'm confused. But at least when his wife turns heel and hits him with a foreign object, we'll all understand why. By the way... is she still Mrs. Benoit at this point? The vows say "till death do us part" and I'm fairly sure death by aggravated strangulation sort of accelerates the parting process. High insult to the lady right there.

we love u chris and we will be waiting ur return to the ring.......... Rob

I certainly hope you won't be doing that, Rob, because that would be the most disgusting return ever. Here's what you should be waiting for instead, buddy... a school bus. You have awakened a sadness in me that I thought was long dead. You've singlehandedly explained the 2004 elections, schools that refuse to teach evolution and the popularity of Paris Hilton in one paragraph.

People, sadly, are very, very stupid. We're not always aware of how stupid people are until a pro wrestler dies and their fans start getting on the internet attempting to communicate their thoughts to others using communication channels outside of chest bumps and gutteral moans. Some are clearly tone-deaf Italian immigrants. Others think statements like "Why would he kill himself and throw away his shot at the title?" or "Killer or not, he's still my hero" make sense to anyone outside of a methadone clinic.

We all had a good laugh yesterday (and if there is a God, we'll have more like it in the future), but let's not miss the bigger message here. Be afraid - these people are America.

Comments

[Babu]

classic assman, classic.

[Art Vandelay]

Assman, I'm begging you. It has to stop. I think I should be concerned about the fact that I haven't laughed so hard in my life as I did yesterday.

I got a kick out of the fact that you were all pissed off yesterday morning because you planned on having a light day at work but got stripped of your free streaming radio and then like manna from heaven, we turned into myspace.

Can you do this one next?

u know ppl will really think your super cool if you say that u wish someone would ide that makes you soooooooooo much better than everyone else doesn't it, but does it make u better than him....nope it doesn't u know why because unlike you spineless bastard who attack ppl who u will never know......some people just respect life and don't joke about it!you all make me sick.

[Assman]

I got a kick out of the fact that you were all pissed off yesterday morning because you planned on having a light day at work but got stripped of your free streaming radio and then like manna from heaven, we turned into myspace.

Easily... easily... easily the biggest upgrade in work slacking history.

Can you do this one next?

Nope. Her logic stream is impeccable. Plus? I don't feel like being cussed out in Italian.

[jackie]

Brilliant, Assman. Simply Brilliant.

[lattalayne]

Don't worry about it, Assman. These people have always been there, it's just that the magic of the internet allows you to view them in their natural state.

Just remember, there once was a man named Darwin and Darwin had a theory. Most of these people will die in ridiculous self-induced accidents before they reproduce (much, anyway). And we'll get to read all about it on the intranets. Hooray for Darwin! and Hooray for the intranets!!

[Cozmo]

Jesus, Assman, Jackie and Vandalay, I go underground for a week and "we turned into myspace."

People, sadly, are very, very stupid. We're not always aware of how stupid people are until a pro wrestler dies and their fans start getting on the internet attempting to communicate their thoughts to others using communication channels outside of chest bumps and gutteral moans. Some are clearly tone-deaf Italian immigrants. Others think statements like "Why would he kill himself and throw away his shot at the title?" or "Killer or not, he's still my hero" make sense to anyone outside of a methadone clinic.

Preach, brohter Assman. Preach.

[Art Vandelay]

Please, for the love of god, give me more!!!

regardless of the circumstances surrounding their deaths, you guys cannot argue that Chris Benoit was not a great wrestler,friend and dad. a weekend may ruin his reputation as a person but until you walk in his shoes and live his life lets remember him as the rabid wolverine, obviously he was well respected in the wrestling community-monday proved that-so for the sake a lifetime of good
Chris Benoit was the best of the best!!!
lifetime versus weekend???? think about it.

Think about it.

[trina]

I am scared to post a comment now. Can you say "might be a redneck"

[Jack Klompus]

I'm still holding out hope that these myspace commenters are part of a prank. Otherwise, I'm gonna give serious consideration to home-schooling my children.

[Assman]

Don't worry about it, Assman.

You're kidding, right? I've got to send my kids to school with these people. What happens when one of my daughters comes home and says "Daddy, Mike's daddy lets him carry an assault rifle. I want one."?

Please, for the love of god, give me more!!!

Someday, Art... this woman will be teaching your daughters in 4th grade.

[M Webster]

Dear Assman,

I love you. Only one (small) step below God.

-MW

[Assman]

I am scared to post a comment now.

I can understand that.

[lattalayne]

Aw, come on, Assman, you had these same people in school with you. You just never got the chance to read their innermost musings now available to us via the internet. School is whatever you make of it and your kids will be whatever you make of them.

My son is 13 now and I smack him up side the head anytime I catch him using cute little "leet" shorthand. He'll probably be considered a Troglodite by his peers, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna raise my kid to be illiterate.

Man, you've got a daughter? I'd look into church school if I was you. Have you seen what 12 year old girls look (and act) like these days?

[Babu]

The timing of all this is almost perfect...just have to share an amusing story with you all.

I work in a research lab in a molecular biology department on a university campus. As I am arriving to work on monday, I see the DHL guy struggling up some stairs with a dolly stacked with boxes about the size of pizza boxes. Must be about 30 of them, all identical, I figure some company is just shipping out their yearly catalogs for each lab.

Later in the day, I walk by my boss' receptionists' desk, and there is this massive book sitting there, same pizza size, must be 3" thick, nice bound cover, beautiful color pictures of fossils and animals on every page, must have cost close to $100 to print, and god knows how much to ship 30 of these 25 lb. beasts.

On every single page, there is a picture of an animal, say a fish, and a fossil of a fish from 50 million years ago, with a blurb saying something along the lines of, "Look at this fish that exists today, it is exactly the same as this fossil from 50 million years ago, thus proving that evolution couldn't be real and god created everything"....seriously, like 500 pages of this over and over....its too bad because the pictures really are beautiful.

We have no idea who sent this, it was produced in Turkey by some guy with a muslim sounding name, really a mystery to us...did they really think that sending this to a bunch of educated, godless scientists would help anything?

[M. Butler]

Hey AofG staff, now you know what to post during sweeps week. Will we have to include a wrestler in the ballot to get this kind of attention during "indecision 2008"?

[Assman]

Man, you've got a daughter? I'd look into church school if I was you. Have you seen what 12 year old girls look (and act) like these days?

Please stop this. I'm never going to make it.

"Look at this fish that exists today, it is exactly the same as this fossil from 50 million years ago, thus proving that evolution couldn't be real and god created everything"

See the way the sun is up in the sky and never falls to earth? That's because gravity is all in your head.

[Art Vandelay]

You know instead f going through all that trouble with the glove and the racism and all, Johnnie Cochran should have just gotten up there and dropped, "Lifetime vs. weekend? Think a about it."...on them.

[randi]

Do they let murderous, suicidal pro-wrestlers into heaven?

[jeffpotts77]

It wasn't until I read this post that I discovered the onslaught of moronic comments posted yesterday.

As funny as all of your responses were to all that gibberish, I couldn't ignore the distinct sense that it was like witnessing someone try to reason with an automated telephone system.

[DFS]

"Look at this fish that exists today, it is exactly the same as this fossil from 50 million years ago, thus proving that evolution couldn't be real and god created everything".

Well, on the bright side, at least they acknowledge that the earth is a tad bit older than 6000 years

[Tammy]

well, assman you sound like an ignorant asshole. People have the right to feel and think the way that they want. You have no right to say shit about anything. You are the one that sounds like the fucking retard here not rob.One more thing jerk-off you have no right to say anthing about someones religious beliefs.Chris benoit was an amazing wrestler. Miss and love you Chris, Nancy and Daniel.

[Jack Klompus]

"well, assman you sound like an ignorant asshole."

Wait, AofG is now in audio? When the fuck did this happen?

"You have no right to say shit about anything."

I'm afraid Tammy's right, Assman. The constitution clearly states that "Assman shall have no right to say shite about anything."

"You are the one that sounds like the fucking retard here not rob."

Dude, you're such a not rob.

"One more thing jerk-off you have no right to say anthing about someones religious beliefs.Chris benoit was an amazing wrestler."

Agreed. While my religion is slightly different in that it recognizes the Honky Tonk Man as the amazing wrestler, I concur. Assman, you should respect religions that worship wrestlers.

[Assman]

well, assman you sound like an ignorant asshole.

You sure I'm not a doo-doo head or a stupid-face? I'd think those would fit better with the theme of the day.

People have the right to feel and think the way that they want.

Wait for it....

You have no right to say shit about anything.

Excellent. People have a right to feel and think what they want... except for me. If I was Jack Klompus, I'd bask in the glory of that contradiction for days.

You are the one that sounds like the fucking retard here not rob.

Come on - Rob kinda sounds like a retard too. I'm not the only idiot here.

One more thing jerk-off

Are you asking me to jerk off or are you calling me a jerk-off? Part of the reason people value punctuation marks is that they help clear up these sorts of issues.

you have no right to say anthing about someones religious beliefs.

Again with my rights. Jesus, am I being mirandized here? First of all, I didn't say anything about anyone's religious beliefs. My comment was more about the ambiguity of the "god" statement and the mental anguish it caused me. If I wanted to blaspheme, I'd have said something like "God may seem a good guy to have in your corner, but when he blindsided his favorite angel, Lucifer, with that steel chair shot and sent him to Hell during the main event at No Way Out, he really changed my opinion of him."

I've never Chris benoit was an amazing wrestler. Miss and love you Chris, Nancy and Daniel.

And more comments left for dead people. Did you even read the post!?

[lattalayne]

Meet my new hero, Jack Klompus.

"you're so not rob". Killin me here.

[Assman]

Simultaneous response!!