The Reason My Feet Hurt Today

Short story.

I recently signed up to play in my company's intramural basketball league. Mainly, I just wanted a way to get back into shape after a 3-year hiatus from any physical activity that didn't involve chasing a toddler, but I figured I may as well take advantage of the other benefits, such as:

• being able to openly hate gays because, as a jock, its expected of me,
• making sure everyone knows I'm blacker than Barack Obama by refusing to take mid-range jumpers or pass with two hands,
• getting a chance to annoy my co-workers by muttering "go play intramurals, brother - go play intramurals" about 800 times a day, and,
• finding the opportunity to block a shot against a guy from Accounting and say, "Accounting? I'll bet you didn't count on that shit, didya, punk?" or something equally dorky / obnoxious.

I was slow registering, so I didn't get a chance to sign up with a top-flight team. (Like, say, "Ex-NBA Players Who Ran Out of Money and Ended Up With Desk Jobs," "The Department of Obscene Three Point Accuracy," "Human Resources," etc.) Instead, I had to settle for playing on the "leftovers" team. Guys like me who nobody wanted, and, not unlike the Bad News Bears, are only in the league to keep the number of teams even and avoid bye weeks. Last night, we had our first practice and I got to meet my new partners for the first time.

First guy showed up. About 5'3". Next dude? Maybe 5'5". By the time the whole team showed up, it was clear that everyone who was not me was 5'6" and under. Cool if you're a horse racing team - not so cool if you need a few rebounds. Plus? Thanks to the majesty that is sterotyping, as a 6'2" black male, I'm pretty much guaranteed to see more triple teams this season than Vanessa Del Rio in 1985.

My team seemed cool though, except for one guy. He showed up in a pair of Duke basketball shorts and, true to form, started acting like a dick to everyone close enough to hear him. Is there any way someone can wear a pair of Duke basketball shorts and expect anyone to like them? If you were an asshole, wouldn't you want to disguise it by wearing an unassuming white t-shirt or something? Meh.

Expect to hear a few stories in the coming weeks about the goings on in this league since, a.) Chiles is holding down hockey, so basketball needs equal air time and b.) my wife has no interest in hearing me ramble about this shit.

Comments

[jackie]

Definitely looking forward to the tales from the hardwood, Assman.

For the pride of AofG, just don't go out there and embarass yourself, ok? We don't need another "disgrace to the race" on our hands.

By the way, can you throw it down?

[Art Vandelay]

Finance! You better start financing repairs for your shattered ego!

Feel free to use that one, Assman.

No, it is not even remotely possible to show up wearing Duke shorts and have anyone like you.

[puddy]

Much the same as "old Man Strength," there is also some mystical 3-point shooting ability that is learned after some years.

[jackie]

"Much the same as "old Man Strength," there is also some mystical 3-point shooting ability that is learned after some years."

Much like swinging on a swing set (which I never quite figured out how to do), I musta missed out on this mystical old man shooting touch. Last time I played hoops I couldn't hit the broad side of the broadest of barns. It was so damn ugly, I don't know that I'll be lacing them up again.

[Assman]

By the way, can you throw it down?

If you asked me this question in 1996, I might not be afraid to answer it. In 2007, I couldn't throw it down with a trampoline.

[Jack Klompus]

Great stuff, Assman. Reminds me of an episode of "The Office." I look forward to these updates.

Back in my single days I used to play beer league softball (I know, softball is a girl's sport but you couldn't really drink in the baseball leagues). Anyway, there once was a guy on my team who would show up in a full Braves uniform. Total douchebag. He played shortstop and would always yell at me to "hit the cut-off man", meaning him. More importantly, he didn't like getting his uniform dirty. What I then started doing was gunning the ball so it would take a sharp one-hop in front of him. He either had to (a) make a great scoop (which he couldn't do), avoid it like a little girl, or take one on the kness/shins. Drove him crazy enough to quit the team. You might try a similar approach with your Dukie.

[howard in nyc]

by 'it' i believe jackie meant can you throw down a tennis ball.

[Carson Shaw]

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