Friday Grievance -- Road Rage

The weather has warmed up this week in the Dirty South, and with that comes all kinds of changes.  Birds and crickets chirping, broads doffing their heavy duds in favor of skimpier stuff, and of course, outdoor athletes.  Speaking of the latter, one particular group comes to mind.  One that really makes my blood boil.  And this morning, I was served with a stark reminder as to why I rank these douchebags slightly above special interest groups on the unofficial list of loathsome, self-important people.  On the list of roadway annoyances, they may be the tops.  Who are they?  Street cyclists. 

You know, the bright-colored spandex uniforms.  The packs of Lance wannabes.  The annoying hand signals.  Think they own the road.  Maybe the New Yorkers don't feel the same anger (since you are not bound to a car unless you're Ahmed), but I suspect the non-cyclists in other parts of the country know exactly what I'm talking about.  Anyway, this morning while driving to work I got behind a couple of these Tour De Pussies.  Not a big deal, just go around them right?  Wrong. Anyone that knows anything about Atlanta traffic knows that whenever you can take side roads -- you fuckin' do it.  So I'm behind Team Livestrong on a narrow road.  First annoyance:  they are riding side-by-side, and won't move single-file.  And because I'm going against the flow of traffic, there's no passing on the other side.  So after about a mile or so, I start revving closer to try and get these clowns to mover over.  Second annoyance:  the dink riding anchor gives me the "back-off" hand signal.  Muthafucker, don't do that.  You know if I hit you, we're both fucked.

Alas, I give him a little room.  Eventually, I find a seam and pass him.  Looking in my rear-view, I get another hand signal -- the universal one for "fuck you."  The 25 year-old piss-and-vinegar Klompus (yes, that was a third-person reference) may have circled back for a showdown, but those days are since past (mainly because my daughter was in the back).  Finally, I get to a multi-lane road and I'm stopped at intersection traffic lights.  Well who comes jetting in between cars lanes?  That's right, the Tour De Puss.  How convenient.  When they are in front, they want to be treated like a car.  WHen they are behind - aw, they're just on bikes so they get to make their own lanes.  And for further validation, these jokers started peddling up before the lights changed to green so they were ahead of the cars.  Just in time to take over the road.  This time, another car in the far right lane was being blocked by them.  And he tried the same thing as I, except he used his horn.  And they gave him the same hand signal. 

If this were an isolated incident, I might let it slide.  But it's not.  So all you cyclists out there:  Eat a dick.  Don't be surprised one of these days if you get the Eddie-Murphy-in-48-Hours car door treatment.

Comments

[Babu]

"So all you cyclists out there: Eat a dick."

You just offended the shit out of me and several other readers on this board. Maybe the cyclists you dealt with were jackasses, not all of us are and we have every right to be out on the roads.

I'll agree that not riding in single file and making it difficult for cars to get by is a dick move, and whenever I am out riding and see cyclists doing this, I reprimand them, you should take the time to do the same, but at least give cyclists respect, they aren't contributing to obesity like your lazy, car-driving everywhere ass is.

That being said, I ride a lot, and have dealt with a lot more shithead drivers than cyclists, in an area of a state where a ton of people ride (Boulder, CO). People who buzz you as close as possible, people who throw shit out of windows at me, drunk/weaving drivers, people who get right behind you and honk or yell to startle me (believe it or not, we can't always hear the car behind us). So for all you asshole drivers, eat a bag of dicks and respect cyclilsts who respect cars, as for the rest of them giving us a bad name, fuck 'em too.

[jackie]

"You just offended the shit out of me and several other readers on this board."

Boo-fucking-whoo.

[Jack Klompus]

"You just offended the shit out of me and several other readers on this board."

Home run.

"but at least give cyclists respect, they aren't contributing to obesity like your lazy, car-driving everywhere ass is."

Sorry, spandex man. I have an hour drive to work (and small child). A thirty-mile bike ride to and from is not gonna cut it. Believe it or not, one can still drive a car and stay fit without mashing his testicles on a bike seat for hours at a time.

[Steve H.]

I'm one of them road cyclists, but I agree that it's a real dick move to jump ahead at the light and make all of the cars pass you again, unless there's a nice wide shoulder for you to ride on.

That said, there have been (rare) times when I have known that a driver behind me would try to pass if I let him, and that doing so would be dangerous because of road conditions or oncoming traffic. So I have stayed far enough in the lane to prevent him from passing, until I got to a safer sport. As far as I'm concerned, that driver's inconvenience is not equivalent to my own personal safety.

[Art Vandelay]

I don't really experience this with cyclists as I don't see too may of them but ditto for people that walk slow but stand side by side going down a hall or a stairway so I can't get by. Perhaps it's my fault that I'm always in a hurry but give me a fucking lane, people!!!

[jackie]

Yet another reason you could never live in Manhattan. A few hours in Times Square during the summer and you'd be ready to shoot yourself.

[Art Vandelay]

Yet another reason you could never live in Manhattan. A few hours in Times Square during the summer and you'd be ready to shoot yourself.

I was.

[M. Butler]

Why don't you cycle on a cycling path? Cycling is not a valid mode of transportation anymore (unless you have multiple DUIs), its entertainment. If you can't entertain yourself without inconveniencing others, you are a no-class ass clown.

(While I wouldn't wing a cyclist with my door, I wouldn't be opposed to seeing someone else do it)

[Art Vandelay]

I think if you're a cyclist, you should have to have your limbs ripped off by a grizzly bear and then dropped into the desert from a helicopter for the vultures to finish you off. It's really the only rational way of dealing with you punks.

[Babu]

Cycling path? You try hooking up 60-100miles of cycling paths in most of the places you all live. And I don't see why cycling couldn't be a valid mode of transportation, if cycling lanes and public transportation were expanded, we wouldn't be in all the trouble we are in right now.

Then again, you all keep doing what you are doing, just stay the fuck out of my town when yours is underwater.

[Steve H.]

Cycling paths?

As Babu said, there's no way those are adequate. Plus, cycling paths are taken up by kids, pedestrians, etc.

If they would just build roads a little bit wider, ensuring an adequate shoulder, this wouldn't be an issue.

Cyclists have to be careful, though, not to rely too much on the "we have a right to the road" argument. Not only is it a circular argument, but it's beside the point.

M. Butler is right that for most cyclists, cycling is entertainment and/or exercise, not a necessity. Thus, regardless of whether a cyclist has a legal right to use a road, at some point simple politeness would suggest that if riding on a road is going to cause major inconvenience for a great number of people, maybe you shouldn't do it. It's just selfish.

[Babu]

So by that rationale, all the people heading up to the hamptons on the weekends are going for entertainment, not a necessity, and should get off the roads and stay in the city so that vehicles conducting business can get out there with no traffic?

[Steve H.]

Babu, they are going to the Hamptons for entertainment, but in order to get there, they have to drive. The driving itself is something of a necessity (I don't want to get too much into semantics -- obviously not every use of a road is an absolute, do-it-or-die type of necessity).

Let's face it -- roads are paid for primarily through gasoline taxes, to the tune of billions of dollars per year. Taxpayers are paying that money to facilitate driving, not bike riding. So if it comes down to who has priority on a paved highway, it's gotta be the cars.

Like I said, I ride on roads all the time. But I pick roads that are either wide enough, or quiet enough, that my presence will not cause a lot of problems.

[DFS]

There is a group of bikers called Critical Mass who used to on a regular basis in San Francisco take to the streets en mass on their bikes. The traffic congestion would be horrible (as San Fran is one of the worst cities to drive in already) and that was part of their point, to encourage alternative transportation, preserve the environment, etc. I agreed with all that in theory, but it was a pain in the ass to deal with, especially when one of them sideswiped my parked car, broke my rear view mirror then left some note with a number that turned out to be disconnected.

My hatred has not subsided....

[howard in nyc]

critical mass tried that mess in nyc. with less success. the cops used big nets stretched across the avenue to scoop em up when they ran red lights.

[Bobby P]

Do you hate all golfers too because one fucker hit into you?

Nice work upholding my concept of you and most right wingers. Hating an entire group because of one asshole.

Fitting.

[Jack Klompus]

"Nice work upholding my concept of you and most right wingers. Hating an entire group because of one asshole."

DFS a right winger? Who knew?

[alan]

"the cops used big nets stretched across the avenue to scoop em up when they ran red lights."

and if someone has a picture of this, i would love to see it...that might help to dispel some of my hatred toward bikers

[Bobby P]

I ride for health, enjoyment, and yes, locomotion. When I do, I observe all traffic laws, and do my best to ride as closely to the edge as I can. I get bitter because I've been ran off the road before by some fucknut that shares Klompus' mentality, even though there was plenty of space for the guy to pass me without even slowing down. Because of fuckers like that, I have to ride more defensively.

I understand how annoying it is when people ride in groups like idiots. It frustrates me as well because its people like them that make it less safe for me to ride.

But honestly, how much time did those guy's cost you? One, two minutes at the most? And you want to fucking seriously harm them? Well done.

[Assman]

My wife is an avid cyclist and her friends are all avid cyclists. I eat with these people, and, on occasion, have gone biking with them.

Aside from silently giggling at them for dressing like gay X-men characters in public, I also like to ask them questions when I see them pull dick moves like:
a.) ignoring stop signs because "no biker stops at those."
b.) inventing lanes and riding between cars that are stopped at an intersection, etc.

They always respond the same. "We do it because we can." Then when I ask if that's fair because, as a driver, I have to treat them like a car, they respond, "No, and that sucks for you."

Very funny. So I'm with Klompus on this one. I treat the biker like a car, then as soon as I see a dick move like skipping between cars, I say screw it and run past him. He brought it on himself.

[Jack Klompus]

"And you want to fucking seriously harm them?"

Bobby, are you this dumb in real life?

[Bobby P]

Klump - yes, I am this dumb. Every day. It's fucking painful, especially when confronted with such a vastly superior intellect like you.

If I had the choice of being brushed by a car on foot or on a bike, I'll take it on foot a thousand times.

As I said, I've been run off the road by someone who, much like you, couldn't be inconvenienced for fifteen seconds. The only thing that kept me from breaking both collarbones was the superior coordination and physical strength I've attained from a lifetime of digging ditches, which is the only vocation a man of my mien may achieve.

[Jack Klompus]

"As I said, I've been run off the road by someone who, much like you, couldn't be inconvenienced for fifteen seconds."

If you read correctly, you'd remember that I did wait to pass them safely (more than a mile, which is more than 15 seconds), despite the fact that the only thing preventing me from passing safely in the first place was the fact that the front 2 guys were riding abreast.

As for your little rundown, how do you know it was out of inconvenience? Were they yelling "This is a tremendous inconvenience!" as they were running you off the road? Maybe they just didn't like your jerkoff face, your jerkoff outfit, and your jerkoff bike. Maybe they didn't like you, jerkoff.

[Bobby P]

I don't wear the jerkoff outfit.

Again, my main point is that, yes, there are assholes out there on bikes. That doesn't make every person on a bike an asshole.

There are few things that piss me off worse than getting run off the road by some redneck fucker when he could easily have passed me without even slowing down. I can't even put it into words.

[Jack Klompus]

"I don't wear the jerkoff outfit."

I'm sure you don't. I was only making a Big Lebowski reference

"Again, my main point is that, yes, there are assholes out there on bikes. That doesn't make every person on a bike an asshole."

Yes, thank you for restating the obvious. After those trigger-happy, racist cop discussions, it should be an unwritten rule here that unless we're talking Nazis or slaveowners or something like that, an entire group is not necessarily guilty by association.