Turd Ferguson Takes "Ape Tit" For $200

Lets just get it out of the way. You're wondering what the hell I have to complain about. Sure, '06 has been pret-tay, pret-tay good to me. I'm a huge star. Big bucks. I drive a Dodge Stratus. But you know what they say. "Mo' Money, Mo' NFL Network in HD." Wait, no. Give me a chance. I swear I can find something negative in this world where knowing the capital of Laos can help net you SIXTY-THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Of thee I grieve...

FANTASY FOOTBALL PREDICTORS - Most of the TV and web pundits can't even crack .500 picking the games themselves. Now we're supposed to follow their advice that Joseph Addai is probably going to score 13 fantasy points next week? What a frigging waste of time. And they never predict anything out of the ordinary. The Raiders could be playing the NFL's 75th anniversary All-Time Team and the player profile for Justin Fargas would read something like:

"Not a great matchup this week. Pencil him in for 50-75 yards and 0-1 touchdowns"

TV DISSERS - Don't get all pissy when everyone else in the break room is talking about The Office just because you "don't have time" to "rot your mind" in front of the television and then come in on Monday and talk about the triple feature you saw at the movie theater. I have no attention span for movies. I hate them. And I hate you. Long live the idiot box.

"PLAY EVERYTHING" RADIO STATIONS - You play everything, do you? You have the World's entire musical catalog at your disposal? Then why do I hear fucking "Brass in Pocket" every 7 hours? I haven't explored the world of Internet Radio nearly as much as I want. I have no idea why.

BEING FAMOUS - My picture was in 5 different newspapers in New Hampshire. Trust me, that's a lot. And I don't even boil sap or run for president. Yet. So of course I've been recognized at not one, but two, Hannafords Supermarkets. And what did the first guy I met say to me? "Hey, why didn't you bet more on that show you lost?" I couldn't get out of there fast enough. What was my point? Oh yeah, Lindsay Lohan is an dirty whore.

NOT BEING FAMOUS - 3 days later, I couldn't even get a table at the 99.

Comments

[jackie]

So, here is the real question, Turd. I know you are married and all -- whipped in fact based on that dog (or was it a cat) story -- and I'm sure an honorable man like yourself would not stray -- but has (or did) any Jeopardy Groupie Poontang sniff up your way?

[jerloma]

How come the article doesn't mention that you don't know what Napoleon looks like?

[Jack Klompus]

Great stuff, Turd. Especially the Fantasy Football stuff. If I ever catch those alleged "gurus" from CBS Sportsline, Ima gonna open a can of honkey lightning on 'em.