Maine: Something Tells Me You Will Remember Him

Grievances? I've got a few:

I'm starting with everyone that says some shit like "We've got to fight the terrorists over there, so we don't have to fight them at home," then goes home and turns on NBC's Deal or No Deal for any reason aside from trying to figure out Howie Mandel's balding pattern by looking at the stubble. If we want to keep terrorists from hating America, we've got to start by looking in the mirror. How do you think someone feels after slaving in a diamond mine all day for 28 cents, avoiding land mines on their commute back to their home / cave, and turning on the television they got by selling their daughter to the government just to see some fat American say something like, "Well, Howie... I know I said my goal was to get enough money to buy a house, and I see that the banker is offering me $400,000 for simply guessing random numbers, but, dammit, I think he's gonna have to do better than that. No deal."? They say pulling out of Iraq too early is just going to fuel the terrorists' quest to attack America. I say the bigger threat is the rampant televising of assholes telling Howie Mandel they're too good for free money. This needs to go away.

And while I'm talking about NBC television, I've got a minor beef with whoever does their scheduling. You mean to tell me they got pitched an idea for a TV show about superheroes and nobody thought of a better place to stick it than against Monday Night Football, where they can be assured that almost 80% of the show's target demographic would never see it? There wasn't an open slot against Men In Trees, Wife Swap, Extreme Home Makeover or any other girly show during which I have to listen to my wife cry while I hum the theme from the A-Team in a desperate attempt to keep from growing a vagina? You can't get me out of the room for that? You've got to stick this thing against the most successful show in male television history? Really?!

I'm not done with NBC, and, yes, I readily admit that I watch far too much television. I've got a problem with every producer that expects me to watch Law and Order: SVU, see Ice-T and Richard Belzer play police officers and somehow not swallow my tongue in anticipation of the apocalypse. Am I expected to believe the 80's didn't happen? Am I on Total Recall? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? The "Cop Killer" song really happened, right? Tell you what, NBC... next season, let's go for the full effect. Can you hire Suge Knight to play the police chief? Maybe get Fergie to play a musical savant? Cast Stephon Marbury as a pass-first point guard? This is the most arrogant and irresponsible casting I've seen since they used to hire Minnie Driver to play the role of "beautiful woman." Did O.J. Simpson turn down the role as District Attorney? Travesty!

And, yes, O.J. made the list. Not for writing the "If I Did It" book, of course. I loved that. There's far too much class in the world sometimes, and, occasionally, we need that kind of assholery to counteract it. But my problem with him is because of how half-assed he was with the whole thing. If you're going to be the smug jackass that pulls this kind of stuff, then you've got to go all the way with it. After they yank the book, you've got to give arrogant interviews and say things like, "Well, honestly, I did it because I needed the money and because I really hate my in-laws. Plus, Fred Goldman did less to get the Heisman Award than Charlie Ward did. I figured he needed to suffer a little. Too bad that whiny bitch sister-in-law of mine stood in the way. And, not to say that I'm going to do it, but if I were to go to her house next Sunday and slap her with a wet dick, it would have happened like this..." If you're going to be the ass, then be the ass. I'm not a fan of halfway.

Steroid-hating sportswriters. Why do I have to care when an athlete uses steroids? If I understand the whole thing correctly, I want them to overachieve. I want the good show. I buy a ticket, they cash they paycheck, I expect results, they get them. Everybody wins and I'm just not offended by it. Sure, its cheating, but this athlete has pretty much spent their entire life being nothing but an athlete. If they have the hopes of every person they've ever met riding on their shoulders, their family name on the line, expectations from the school that gave them a scholarship, etc., and after an entire life of training and suffering, they discover that they're not good enough, then they have a choice: they can either go home and be a disappointment to everyone they've ever known as well as a lot of people they've never met then spend the rest of their lives as a punchline (Ryan Leaf, Sam Bowie, etc.) or they can cheat and give everyone what they want. Why does that guy have to feel like an ass for taking steroids? If a little girl wants to be a mom her whole life and, to her parents' and husband's dismay, discovers as a married adult that she can't conceive, nobody gets mad at her for cheating and going to the fertility doctor or getting in vitro fertilization. Nobody tells her she has to be satisfied with her limitations despite the available technology. Nobody cries about how mothers back in the 1930's didn't have to go to fertility doctors. So, why can't I give the same pass to an athlete? Why must he be the asshole for not wanting to be a failure? Am I not just paying him to put on a show and to win for me? Why can't the bigger steroid issue be "why are there steroids in our food?" And, speaking of which...

Let's just say I'm pretty sick of looking at a gorgeous woman walk down the street toward me, trying to decide whether she's built more like Angelina Jolie or like Eva Mendes, then, once she gets closer, realizing she's only 12 years old. Whatever food we're feeding these kids is making ogling a gateway to a potential felony. And, let's just say that, as the father of a little girl, I'm looking forward to a return to cleaner food, thanks. I don't feel like getting into fistfights every week once I'm an old man.

Fat guys in track suits. Everybody knows you wouldn't even be running 10 feet if NBC wasn't dangling thousands of dollars in "The Biggest Loser" prize money in front of you. Come on - you're not tricking me into thinking you're an athlete because you have a stripe down your sides. And, as a matter of fact...

Companies that make track suits for people over 450 pounds. You're all soulless vampires. You represent everything that's wrong with capitalism. If you want to make clothes for the plus-sized set, stick to more appropriate things like aprons and bibs. Making track suits that let them feel remotely athletic is just enabling them, and that's irresponsible.

People that tell me "you're going to like this." Really? Based on what? And what did I have for breakfast this morning, Creskin? How about saying something less presumptuous like, "I like this. You want to try it?" That works, people. It's how I discovered that I like heroin.

Movie writers that use characters named "Jack." Listen.... nobody's name is Jack. It's over. The Jack Renaissance came and went in the 1970's. Can we pick a new official name for young white male protagonists? There are still lots of Mike's out there. That shit goes on the ballot. Next season on "24", I want to hear about Mike Bauer. Jack is done.

People that get all pissy when you mispronounce their name, even though their name is hard to pronounce. What the fuck? If you've got a name that would make Coach Kryzyzewski want to slap his daddy, you can't expect us all to get it right on the first try. Plus? A lot of people out there (Antawn Jamison, Dwyane Wade, etc.) have names that don't sound the way they read. Sure, it's because their parents were both retarded and lazy, but the point is that its no longer safe to assume "Ralph Fiennes" isn't pronounced "Raef Fines" and I'm sick of douchebags thinking I'm the asshole for not magically knowing their parents spell David with an R. (Side Note: Do they have this problem in China? Are there guys named "Wang" that pronounce it "Vingo?" And am I a racist for asking? Is that the question? And if sooo... if soooo... who answers? Who answers? Oh, I... ohh... I feel alive!)

People who miss obvious Pearl Jam references.

People who don't watch the Jerry Springer show enough to know that if you work 12 - 15 hours a day and leave your woman at home all day with some vagabond you allow to live in your house (i.e. your brother, cousin, etc.), your woman is going to have sex with that dude and then blame you for it because "you's always workin' and you don't never make no time for her." The formula is simple, people. Your woman may say she wants you to provide money, but she really needs you to provide the cock. And, more importantly, never allow a similar-looking family member with a cock tantamount to your own to stay in your house if you're not going to keep an eye on him. You're better than that.

I've got a big problem with people who say shit like, "Man, this party is great. I've had like 12 beers already, a few lines of coke, and I'm thinking about starting a fight with a cop on the way home. This night is almost as fun as the night my baby was born... four weeks ago." Thanks, people. Thanks for putting that baby on the fast track to a heroin addiction in 14 years. When they're breaking into my car and shooting up my kid's high school as a teen, I'll be sure to appreciate your half-assed parenting in retrospect. I hope you die a horrible death. Really, I do. I'm not just saying it.

I can't forget about the Subway-Sandwich Overprivileged. Those people that walk into a Subway sandwich shop and all of a sudden turn into Elton John giving orders about his dressing rooms on tour? What the fuck! It's a sandwich! Just tell them what you want and move on! It seems like I always get stuck behind the guy that's obviously never been in a position of authority in their life and relish the chance to say shit like, "Word... let me get the Subway Melt... with more bacon... not that slice, the other one... and mayonaise... not from that bucket though, I need a new jar... seven slices of pickle... from the bottom of the jar, so they have that extra-pickly taste... and green peppers sliced up like lettuce... more... more... more... less.... less..... more.... and mayonaise... from a new jar.... and stop touching my bread with your hands. I don't care if you have gloves on - I don't like fingerprints on my shit." I've had it with them. You're done.

Does this count as a grievance? Where the fuck is Sesame Street? And why is it so dirty? I watched that show 20 years ago and wondered why these folks that live there have all this time to sing songs and recite the alphabet all day (while not being freaked out by the purple monster sitting next to them in Hooper's store with a peanut butter sandwich), but refuse to take 5 minutes to pick up a mop and get some of that dinge off of everything. Now, I turn the show back on to watch it with my daughter, and not only are they singing that same tired assed alphabet song, but those same stains are everywhere! Can I go there and sweep? Give me a subway stop. I'll head over and clean up a bit. It's ridiculous. And, yes, I realize I probably sound like your mother right now.

Major grievances with the collection of bums that made Fantasy Sports Year '06 suck ass for me. LaMont Jordan, Mark Texeira and, quite possibly, Gerald Wallace who apparently switched to British Knights this year and forgot how to rebound. I wish ill thoughts and personal failure on the lot of you. Is it so hard for these athletes? You get paid millions of dollars and your list of responsibilities is as follows - show up, play a sport you were probably going to be playing today anyway, try not to be a dick to people who make less money than you, win games and put up stats proportionate to your fantasy draft position. It's not rocket science. It's not even computer science.

Sometimes, I'll say to someone, "Have a nice weekend," and that person will respond with something like, "Thanks. I will." And that's cool and all, since I geniunely do want them to have a nice weekend, but the lack of reciprocity makes me want to choke them out. Do I not also deserve to have a nice weekend? They said "thanks," but they may as well have said, "Hey, go fuck yourself. Then go fuck your mother. I'm going to go home and have a nice weekend, but I think you should spend the weekend in a fiery building. Seriously. Just go fuck yourself." And that's not right. I claim a grievance, and yes, I realize I probably sound like your whiny ex-girlfriend right now.

People who give out Starbucks cards with five dollars on them as gifts. What's that going to get you there? A cup of coffee? A cup of coffee that would cost 50 cents anywhere else in the world? So, thanks for the 50 cent gift. Really. I appreciate it. Next year, just give me a card that says "Don't have a nice weekend, and please go fuck yourself" instead. Let's save ourselves the trouble. And, yes, I realize I probably sound like your ungrateful little brother right now, but damn, a cup of coffee? At least throw in a black bottom muffin. And one of those CDs from eclectic folk singers that nobody could ever like. (Why do they sell those there!? Why!?)

This section can be comfortably referred to as the pot calling the kettle black, because I'm about to call out pro wrestling fans, and, yes, I kinda am one myself. Or was one. I don't know. But either way, I was at a wrestling pay-per-view event this past Sunday with some friends of my wife and tossed together a list of folks who really need to check themselves. First, anyone who wears an imitation wrestling championship belt in public. Not only are you severely out of touch with the reality that is your own poor physique, but you're just asking for someone to get you across the back of the head with a steel chair so they can pin you. Second, women that go with their men to these events. You're not winning yourselves any points by doing this. Any woman worth her salt will say, "Fuck you for asking, and take out the trash on the way out," when asked to follow their guy to this stuff. Seriously. Anything less and you may as well put on a burka and handcuff yourself to the stove. Third, people that go to the events begrudgingly, then whine to their friends about how everything is fake. Really? Is it fake? You know, Seinfeld is fake too, but nobody complains when you make references to the soup nazi every week. Get a grip or go home. It's entertaining, ya dick. Fourth, the guy that still dresses like a pro wrestler and points at everyone in the arena reciting Ric Flair quotes all night. Ease up, buddy. Did you know this stuff is fake?

People who quit on me before getting this far down. Forgive me - I stopped blogging this year and felt like being wordy. Excuse the shit out of me for going too long on you. Am I cutting into your precious internet masturbation time? Did you want me to hurry up and get it over with so you can go back to your job and do jack shit for eight hours on company time? Need to head over to Boing Boing and read a link to some article about a douchebag who builds computers out of egg cartons? Are you missing out on a Photoshop contest involving Britney Spears' vagina and Joey Lawrence's head? I just want a few thousand words of your day. Is it so hard? I don't want a kidney. Damn.

People that don't have kids and say things like, "Yeah, I was gonna blah blah blah yesterday, but I didn't have any time." Let me tell you something... you've got time. You've got hella time. You've got CRAZY time. I understand that you had other things you were doing, but don't tell me you didn't have any time. You have no idea how much time you have. You're very close to being strangled right now. Very close.

Last but not least, I've got to call out a severe grievance with rappers. Not for the obvious reasons either (lack of lyrical content, disgrace to the culture, promoting ignorance and shallow behavior to the youth, etc.). I've got a problem with their lack of imagination. Let's just say I'm a rapper and some video director walks up to me. He then says, "Son, I've got a hot idea. Picture it - all your boys in a club. Chicks. Cars. Cash. Cigars. Champagne. Even sunglasses indoors. Let's do it." I'm refuting it. I'm going to say, "Isn't that every rap video ever? Hell, wasn't that my last video? Why can't we try something else?" Come on, rappers. Give me something interesting. Grow a pair and dare to be different. The end.

Comments

[jackie]

I did not quit on you, Maine. And I loved every word of it. You got some serious skills, my friend.

Tour De Force!!!

[Unholy Moses]

Beautiful ... truly, utterly, beautiful.

[Cozmo]

Maine - I cower at the length and breadth of your grievance. Every word is a treat.

I have grievance envy.

I grieve for the grievances that have to follow that.

[Johnnie]

That was billiance. Pure brilliance. Fucking awesome.

[jerloma]

I didn't quit and to point out one thing would do the rest of injustice. That makes up for that lame ass grievance from last year.

If I may, I'd like to file a counter-grievance towards the author for being too lazy to update his blog once in the last 6 weeks.

[The big O]

That was great man, I didn't quit on you bruh, I was crackin the fuck up, hilarious. I have to agree w/ Jerloma, can we get some new bacon after dark?

[Maine]

I think I'm done blogging, but it still feels good to bitch on the internet, so thanks to the AOFG crew for the forum.

[SLaird22]

The rap video thing is great, I was thinking that when I make my hit music video I'm going to have a bunch of fat chicks dancing behind me and have spinners on my '88 Reliant.

[Alex]

I used to work with a Mike Bauer. Trust me, you don't want that ass clown saving anything.

[Bookman]

Alright, I'm late to the party, but c'mon Maine, Ice-T as a cop is one of the funniest jokes on TV! Example: Olivia: "Were you a car thief in a past life?" Fin: "Nooo, baby....Boy Scout. Always prepared."

Another great line.... Fin, referring to Munch... "Twenty-five years on the job and he's still a goddamn hippie."

Put on your irony glasses, and it's much more enjoyable.

[ddd]

solid work... and yes I did make it to the end. I enjoyed the part about having time. As a bachelor with no kids, I voluntered for "newborn" duty christmas eve night so the parents could, for once, get a good night sleep. I had no idea. You're right. I have CRAZY time...