The 50th Most Loathsome People in America -- 2005 Ed.

If you ever read anything on AofG, read this. Trust me. A few excerpts:

Paris Hilton

Charges: Her continued success as a celebrity famous for nothing, despite the eerie resemblance she bears to the inbred banjoist from Deliverance and a lack of talent so profound that others become duller as they approach her, indicates that something is fundamentally wrong with humanity.

Sentence: Locked in a room with a high steel ceiling which lowers a centimeter per hour, until she either solves a Rubik’s cube or is crushed; whichever comes first.

Barbara Bush

Charges: Her polluted womb nurtured the seed of American decadence. The root of America’s decay; the poison tree from whence the fruit loop George W. Bush sprang. This unfeeling, unthinking patrician hag spawned America’s most notorious welfare child, whose every glaring deficiency has been excused or underwritten by undeserved wealth.

Sentence: Hysterectomy on principle. Bound and thrown into Lake Pontchartrain. If she floats, burned at the stake. If she drowns, even better.

Tom Delay

Exhibit A: Explaining his failure to enlist during Vietnam: “So many minority youths had volunteered…that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself.”

Sentence: Bashed to death with hammer.

Was reading the list on the train this morning and folks were looking me like I was crazy. Honestly almost burst a few internal organs. Transcendent comedy. (Thanks Dave)

Comments

[Coop]

Good stuff. But how the hell does Michael Moore not make a list like that? Well, I think I know why....

[Bluehorseshoe]

did delay really say that??

[Cozmo]

"I DIG CHICKS!"

[Nordy]

Ahh! Thanks for linking to this. I really have dug their past lists and can't wait to read this one.

Coop, maybe Moore didn't make the list because he's not loathsome.

according to the site Moore didn't make the list because he didn't do anything significant in '05. rgds, will

[Unholy Moses]

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

I just woke up The Boy laughing so hard, and I think I soiled myself in the process.

You know, I thought my Grieveances were funny and witty ... and then I go and read something like this and feel amazingly unworthy.

Genius ... pure ... unadulterated ... genius.

[Coop]

This makes sense...:

"according to the site Moore didn't make the list because he didn't do anything significant in '05."

and this is just plain ludicrous....:

"Coop, maybe Moore didn't make the list because he's not loathsome."