Celebrity Judges - First Take

We thought we would add to the entertainment value of the AofG CFC Grudge Match by letting our friends and funnier posters have their own place on the front page to jointly encourage and poke fun at us.  Each will have spomething special to add: Frank because he knows us both well, Flash because she's an ass-kicker, Howard because he's a doctor and he's losing weight with us, and Coop & KHAN-Yeezy because they are funny mofos (see the judges' profiles here).  We knew they would provide some laughs and some insight.

However, as usual, our Celebrity Judges totally rose to the occasion and were better than we could have ever imagined in the first round. Check out all the initial comments, after the jump, or, click a name on the index below to go straight to that comment. Either way, be sure to keep reading all the way down to Coop's post, because he's gonna just about slay us all if he keeps up the comedy at this pace:

INDEX

• Frank
• Flash
• Howard
• Yeezy
• Coop

Frank

First of all, you're both friggin' crazy. 35 pounds in two and a half months? Oh yeah, that's healthy. My math might be off, but that's 15% of each of your respective (and more-than-ample) body weights, good luck staying out of the hospital. When yours truly dropped 15% of total body weight, it took six months of hard work, disciplined eating, a lot of six mile runs, regular trips to the gym, and serious curbs on alchohol consumption. Needless to say, I'm pessimistic about your chances.

There are two aspects to every diet: changing the way you eat and changing the way you exercise (or, in the case of Jackie and Cozmo, exercising, period). I think it's imperative to get a start on changing the way you eat before anything happens in the gym. In fact, I wouldn't even go to the gym for the first couple weeks, as you're body is adjusting to what will hopefully be some pretty radical shifts. You throw in workouts and there's no telling how your body will react.

For starters, I wouldn't recommend a straight no-carb diet for any considerable length of time, but I definitely think it's a good idea for three or four days, just to get you on the right path. You'll lose 3-5lbs of water weight alone, which is a huge psychological boost when you're trying to change the way your body functions. Granted, you'll feel like shit alot of that time, but that's to be expected. Once you shed those first few pounds, start adding the carbs back in - multigrain breads and cereals, brown rice and lots of bran to keep the pipes clean. Sugars and starches, not so much. There's plenty of time for those down the road, when you've upped your wokout intensity. By the way, your weight loss will slow down considerably after those first few days, I wouldn't expect too many weeks of losing 4lbs at a clip.

The gym - 70 minutes, four times a week coming out of the gate is waaaaaaay too much, Cozmo, especially since you're going to be eating less to support yourself. Ease into it. I don't care that you're a former athlete - you're coming from 9 months of inactivity, your body just isn't ready for that kind of impact. Keep that schedule up and I put the over/under on two weeks before the whole affair goes t*ts up. And your time allocation is all messed up - way too much lifting. Do that and, as Babu mentioned in the Tale of The Tape Comments, you're more likely to gain weight (via muscle), not lose it. You need to get rid of flab, not turn it in to muscle. Cardio sucks and cardio is boring, but it's the best way to get results when it comes losing weight in a short period of time. Here's something simple for both of you: start with a 2 mile run on the treadmill with an initial pace of 6 MPH. Up the speed 0.5 MPH every half mile, such that you're running your final half mile at 7.5 MPH. Cool down with a 1/4 mile walk/jog. Alternatively, if you don't want to stress your knees and ankles too much, do 20-30 minutes of the pre-set cardio routine on any elliptical machine and do it at 50% intensity. After that, 15-20 minutes of comfortable lifting, nothing too strenuous - push yourself, but don't approach your maximum strength. Then, and I can't stress this enough, LEAVE THE GYM! (OK, shower first, but then LEAVE THE GYM!) Again, the goal is weight loss, not musclehead-edness.

I give Chiles credit for at least being realistic for knowing how lazy he can be, yet truly wanting to make a change. Cozmo has the ambition, but it's misguided - he's like the big puncher who will wear himself out by the third round. The best bet for both of you clowns is to take it slow out of the gates, keep your goals realistic, and get your body used to the long-overdue changes that will hopefully come.

Week 1 Prediction:

• Cozmo 247 (+1 lb). This assumes he follows his prescribed workout regimen of insanity and is forced to dabble in some of the goodies that Mrs. Cozmo whips up this weekend when his body crashes.
• Chiles, 234 (-1 lb). The underdog who wants to change his ways. I think he gets off to a positive start and eats a little better, only for a hectic work schedule to confound his efforts to access both healthy food and the gym.

Flash

Cozmo Cramer - To think you call yourself an athlete. As if whatever you have hiding under that lake of swarming goo you call a torso could ever escape to reclaim its former glory. That little piece of Curtis Martin you THOUGHT you were packin? He's toast, through, over. He killed himself after the 18th blintz you scarfed down that first weekend at your in-law's house. Now all you can really do is hope you don't become Bruce Vilanch, which seems like a right prospect for you by looking at your workout.

25 minutes of cardio.. you really think you're doin it! Don't kid yourself. The heart doesn't even begin to feel a workout until 20 minutes have passed so what do you do? Puss out 5 minutes after that. You will forever remain the Chunky Butt of Upper Easy with a regimen so weak and pathetic. Why don't you drag your sorry ass to the gym and.. no wait, RUN to the gym (if your heart can hack it) and get on the treadmill, bike, stairclimber, rowing machine, or whatever your wasted body can handle and break a sweat. Maybe we should hook up a twinkie on the end of a dangly pole and attach that to a hat. You can wear the hat when you're on the treadmill and try to catch your prize.

Weak.

Jackie Chiles - I'm nauseous for you... and your woman. Speaking of, have you treated her to an expensive gift lately? You owe her one for each day of the week she spends rubbing up against your flabby ass. I bet that's a lard of fun for a girl. Something tells me that if you marry this girl, your wedding vows would say "to love, cherish, obey, and share brassieres." When a girl's tits are as big as her man's, it tends to ruin the fantasy. The key for you may just be the gastric bypass. I don't think you have the stones to risk the pain involved in running a mile.

You're a wanker... oh nevermind, I bet that wears you out.

Howard in NYC

Oh, where to start...

I do not just play a doctor on the internet, but I play one in real life.  35 lbs as a weight loss goal over 13 weeks is ambitious.  Not recommended if you plan on keeping the weight off.  So kids, do not try this at home. 

However, I am coming for the ride.  225 lbs today, 4pm after workout.  205 the goal 3/31/06. 6'1".  pics a necessity.  I will if you guys do (I am sure the entire internet is clamoring for my before shot).

Gentlemen, the relatively brief time period makes the following advice even more essential.  Begin your exercise regimen slowly.  Do not bust it out as hard as you can the first week.  You will be sorry, you will hurt unnecessarily, you may injure yourself precluding regular exercise over a significant portion of the contest, and you will fool your body into thinking "this is crisis/starvation mode, we better save every ounce of fat we can" and will retard weight loss.  The turtle beat the hare.

Fad diets aside, this is a biochemical fact:  insulin surges  make your body store fat.  Refined carbs cause insulin surges.  Do the math.  Not a fact, but a rule of thumb:  fat does not make you fat; carbs make you fat (tm pending).

Speaking of carbs, don't drink beer.  scotch, vodka.  No sweet, sugary mixers.

And, of course, the loser between Chiles and Cramer will be buying steaks at Wolfgangs for the judges as well.  Yum.

KHAN-Yeezy

KHAN-Yeezy is on vacation and is incummunicado until after Martin Luther the King holiday (although, I have heard that he is working on his new album "Bush Hates Black People - The Manifesto" while he is away).

Stay Tuned to the AofG next week when Yeezy slays us for the initial posts and the first weekly weigh-in.

And last (but certainly not least, Coop)

Coop

A Quick Note Before I get started: Due to the many requests for contestant visuals and subsequent reluctance to provide it by said contestants, I have taken it upon myself to provide the next best thing: virtual fat asses. Yes, the power of technology has provided the ability to conjure up two computer composites of our contestants. Wondering how I did it? Well, I typed in “fat” and “virtual” in Google and eventually ended up at landsend.com. Once there, I entered in the height, weight, and other attributes of our contestants to the best of my knowledge and ended up with the following:

   Virtual Cozmo             Virtual Jackie

It was a disturbing task to say the least, but I decided to take one for the team. Anyway, here’s the kicker. When I entered in Cozmo’s height and weight, I got an error saying the program could not render a figure with his height and weight combination, so I had to change his body type slightly to accommodate. Folks, I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Cozmo was too fat for his virtual self. Unbelievable.

Anyway, here’s my take on the tale of the tape:

Physical Attributes: First of all, I'm bothered by 5'11". In my opinion, if you're a man you're either 6' or 5'10". Only women who are clearly over 6' and aren't supermodels throw out 5'11" so they can say, "I'm not a freak, I'm under 6 feet." But have it your way, ladies -- you're both "under 6 feet." So now, both are "under 6 feet", both have 38 waists. Curiously, Cozmo weighs 246 and Jackie weighs 235. What does that tell me? Weight distribution. One of these slobs has a disproportionate body part, such as a bubble ass, a Homer gut, and/or Phil Mickelson tits. My hunch tells me the amoeba in question is Chiles. Why? Because he failed to provide an actual chest size and wasn’t sure of his grown-up pant size. That would lead me to believe he's bottom-heavy.

Still, if you’re too fat for a “virtual you,” you have some serious problems – genetics, will power, whatever. Edge: Jackie

Athletic and Fitness History: Cozmo lists ice hockey, rugby, tennis, volleyball, soccer, golf and surfing. Not very impressive, and in some cases reeks of a "privileged" life. I know surfing's not easy, but when you list it as an "athletic or fitness" activity, I have a hard time taking you seriously. Figure skating is difficult and takes athletic ability, too. But put that on your resume and kiss my vote good-bye as a matter of principle.

However, Chiles -- you've got to fuckin’ be kidding me. Jackie goes back to his elementary school almanac to chronicle his athletic glory days. "Guinea pig," "running bases," and "tennis ball dunk" are among his highlights? Atrocious. Makes me wonder if he has his own "Wall of Gaylord." Edge: Cozmo

Strengths & Weaknesses: Cozmo scores points for even having a "Meatathalon" on his resume, but quickly returns to mediocrity with his 5-year ban of the substance. He may call it "spite" as part of his bet with papa. I'll call it pussy.

Meanwhile over at rock-bottom, Jackie.......has nowhere to go but up. Edge: Jackie

Week 1 Methodology: I stopped reading Cozmo's after the words "Kashi" and "Soy." No more talkie. You make me want to root against you already. So at least pretend like you piss standing up.

Jackie -- not exactly an inspiration, but he did say he was lazy (and I believe him). And I like the simple approach. Not biting off more than he can chew, so to speak. Edge: Jackie

Week 1 Goals: Since Cozmo is technically the fatter of the bastards I believe he will start stronger. His goals are loftier than the more passive (read: lazy) Jackie's, but I think he can hold it together in the early going before age and his Chef-tress catch up with him. What we could be seeing here is the beginning of a tortoise-hare type of contest. Edge: Cozmo

Wildcards: Notice to both contestants, I have a longstanding grievance with one Jared Fogle. Thus, if either you report back with a "6-inch sweet-onion chicken teriyaki" for lunch, you just about lose my vote right then and there. I would think that the Subway diet would fall under the rule of "no fad diets" but the fact that it would even be considered a diet in mainstream America makes it a grey-area. That said, you know where I stand.

B-O-O-Z-E. Booze. This can either be a helper or a hurter. They may want to forego the Caucasians and the Shitzenweizens. It also depends on how each participant handles a hangover (greasy food, or Gatorade?).

Other than that, I'd say the next biggest wild card in play is Mrs. Cozmo. If Coz can stay away from the good stuff, exercise some portion control, and stay with his organic bullshit -- he'll be tough. If not, the tortoise waddles up to the "Wall of Gaylord" with a new ribbon. Edge: Pick'em

Overall: I'd say before the gun, Jackie Chiles has a slight advantage. But that can all change in a heart attack so keep your eyes peeled.

Comments

[puddy]

"Cozmo was too fat for his virtual self. Unbelievable."

Fantastic stuff.

This all makes me feel a bit better about my 260 pounds on a 6'3" frame. Room for a fourth in the Cozmo/Jackie/Howard triumvirate(though it would cease to be a triumvirate, of course) I won't even ask to post on the front, I just need to lose some wight.

[Keg]

Virtual Jackie looks like an obese R Kelly.

[Cozmo]

Um, is it too late to back out?

[Jackie]

Applause all around. Phenomenal stuff.

"Here's something simple for both of you: start with a 2 mile run on the treadmill with an initial pace of 6 MPH."

Dude, I could barely do that when I was in shape.

Coop? Absolutely, positively, KILLING ME!!!

Magnificent, man. Simply magnificent.

[Jose la Voz]

Cozmo.. i know a guy who managed to lose about 15% of his weight in about a month and a half...
basically, come down to northern brasil with me, we'll arrange for you to get kidnapped for about 45 days...
oh yeah, the guy i know was a diabetic, which helped...
there's a chance!?

[Bluehorseshoe]

Jackie - I want you doing 100 push ups a day plus the cardio from now till 24th Feb. Break em up into 5 lots of 20 if you have to

Cozmo - 246? you couldn't have been 246 last time I saw you...

[Coop]

"Virtual Jackie looks like an obese R Kelly."

And Virtual Cozmo looks kinda like an obese Freddie Mercury.

[aaron]

my officemates are wondering what's wrong with me- Coop- that post belongs in the hall of fame.

[BillCross]

Also while working out please sing this to your selves

Who ate all the pies?
Who ate all the pies?
You fat bastard,
You fat bastard,
You ate all the pies!

[aaron]

interesting question... how many people with cornrows shop at Lands End? I do appreciate their attempt at inclusiveness, though. I'm sure there's no virtual urban negro on Abercrombie's site.

[Bobby P]

Solid. On all accounts.

I'm at the cusp of starting a path to fatassedness. I'm carrying ten pounds more than any ever have in my life. Yeah, yeah laugh. But I have always, and will always be a skinny fucker. 200 is a lot for a guy who's playing weight was 178~184 on a 6'3" frame.

Regardless, I wish you well. Don't let yourself get discouraged, and if its getting close after two weeks, blow through the checking account so you couldn't afford the meal to begin with, thus adding that additional impetus towards success.

[steffanwolf]

Tremendous posts by all. Best of luck to Cozmo, Jackie, Howard and everyone else who is attempting such an effort. BobbyP, buy a mp3 player and go running...200 lbs? Damn.

My prediction? I gotta go with Clubber Lang and say, "Pain!"

The good kind though. Some for the contestants but mostly pains in the side for all those who stop by the AofG for the hilarious posts.

Mind Howard's advice and you'll be "eatin' lightin' and crappin' thunder" in no time.

[Ed Zipper]

Lets see some pics... Its time to bust out some man breasts. Maybe its time for you guys to start wearing a "bro".

[hkuszak]

I believe the proper term, Ed, is 'manssiere'.

[Ed Zipper]

Hkuszak,dont bother wasting your time trying to correct me.... Your Kung Fu is worthless...

You want me to wear a bra?"
"No, no, a bra is for ladies. Meet the Bro!"
- Frank and Kramer, in "The Doorman"

[membengal]

Phenomenal idea gents. And, like, Howard, I am also inspired to join in. Will be aiming to lose 30 in the next 13 weeks. Down to 210.

[SLaird22]

Swim. You should definitely do some swimming.

I'm trying to get up to 190-195...any advice you fat bitches? (joking)

[Jackie]

"Swim. You should definitely do some swimming."
I lack the requisite buoyancy.