The Feats Of Strength

COSTANZA PINNED!!!!!!!!! FESTIVUS TO END!!!!!!

UPDATE #3: Tag-team partners Flash and Johnnie trade off and provide the blows necessary to allow for the final submission hold. Johnnie pokes at the soft underbelly of all three AofG contributors in his pointing out the charm-like effect that a woman with a strong personality has on us. A final up-close-and-personal fart staggers me, temporarily weakening my defenses, ushering in the ultimate humiliation. Congats to DSafetyGuy, Johnnie and Flash for their hard work in pinning me. The 2005 Festivus Extravaganza is over, bitches, but we'll be back next year.

UPDATE #2: Flash takes a cue from Johnnie and proceeds to give me the beating of a lifetime. Credit to both, though the edge to the lady for the brutal carnage she was able to bring. I can't take much more of this!!

UPDATE #1: DSafetyGuy has scored a stunning blow and weakened Frank significantly!! Start the pile on, I'm reeling!!!

And now, as Festivus rolls on, we come to the Feats of Strength.

Yesterday, I was looking through the stats since we moved to Typepad in January. AofG has had our ups and downs, our technical problems, our periods of creative struggle and our conflicts with life and day jobs, when posting was last item on the priority list. Somehow, we managed to amass over 300,000 hits off the back of over 2500 posts and over 8000 comments. We receive links and endorsements from people in this virtual community who hold our creative awe. Somewhere between 500 and 1,000 total strangers read us on a daily basis, way more than we would have ever thought possible.

But now, we have to turn bad-ass on you. I'm taking on all comers and challenging you to come after AofG with all you've got. Do your worst in the Comments to this post and see if the blog and I can take it. Let us know why you think we're weak and nail us on where we come short. Hit us where it hurts and see how I fight back. Until you pin me, Festivus is not over.

LET'S RUMBLE!!

Comments

[briandtw]

No scores. It's a not a real blog without scores.

[Frank]

Not a sports blog, don't need scores.

Next!

[KHAN-yeezy]

No punch & pie.

Thats the reason I came.

I thought there would be punch and Pie!

[Frank]

Yeezy, surely we've brought you pie in the past. Haven't we? And we throw punches all day long, my man.

Next!

[Cozmo]

ZING!!!

[Cozmo]

Get'em Frank!

[jbcizool]

The fact that you all have that East-Coast bias.

[Frank]

Not even close, JB. Not even close.

[KHAN-yeezy]

Yeah this is gunna be tough Frank. not to many grievances with you guys. Your gunna get the East coast bias and the left leaning grievance but i think thats it.

[Frank]

Left-leaning? With a record of voting for people like Guiliani, Bloomberg, George Pataki, Rick Lazio (god, what was I thinking there?) and George Voinovich, I can preempt any concerns there.

And that's just my record - Cozmo skews a bit more right-ward than me.

Fair and balanced, fair and balanced.

[hkuszak]

don't think I've ever seen any coverage of the snowmobiles in Yellowstone topic? Why not - too far away for you?

[DSafetyGuy]

Pffft. Too many lawyers.

[Shoes]

Hard to find weakness. You guys are good. Would say your all quick to judge others and not real tolerant of differing opinions. I have fun reading and trying to stoke a fire once in a while. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

[KHAN-yeezy]

like i said i have no grievances witcha...and there is a God im going home finally...great work today guys and thanks for keeping me rolling (like JC to work durin the strike) all day...Two thumbs up!

Happy Festivus!

[Frank]

hkuszak says: don't think I've ever seen any coverage of the snowmobiles in Yellowstone topic? Why not - too far away for you?

Not at all. We love the Midwest (born and raised), Great Plains, the Rockies and West Coast, as noted above. The Bush administration needs to provide answers as to why they have lifted restrictions on snowmobiling in Yellowstone. We all enjoy and treasure our national parks and recreation areas, especially those out West, and hate for them to be unnecessarily damaged. Why, I've taken a couple of trips to Big Sur recently and Cozmo and I each have taken multiple trips to Utah and Colorado in the past two years. Yellowstone? It's on the list!

Moving on...

[Frank]

DSafetyGuy says: Pfft. Too many lawyers.

DSafetyGuy scores a body blow!! We're hurt! He's right, one lawyer is one lawyer too many!!! Aaargh.

But Jackie's here to stay, no changes will be made on that front.

Alas, I'm only operating at 75% strength now - c'mon, you can do it, Georgie!!

[Frank]

Spelling counts, Shoes. 'Your'? Don't think so...

[Johnnie]

A blog centered around a theme from Seinfeld with no "Jerry Seinfeld" to remind you all why you are employed?

What's Michael Richards doing now?
What's Jason Alexander doing now?
What's Phil Morris doing now?

(Phil Morris plays President Lincoln apparently in True Crime: New York City. Looks like JC's namesake is at least, uh, working...)

Oh and Seinfeld doesn't need to work now. He had a show named after him and is a bazillionaire.

So where is your leader now? Might as well employ A-Rod, or Johnny Damon....

[Frank]

If we had a Jerry, we'd have to add another member to the team. Not looking to do that.

Besides, everybody knows that Jerry was all dollars and no heart, the weak link...the supporting cast was clutch and would come up huge in big spots. Jerry, I'll grant you he got paid, but he was never the funniest character on his own show. He was the sitcom A-Rod, if there ever was one.

[Johnnie]

Damn, thought I had ya.

Well, if that's the case, and you do add another member, it must undoubtedly be a female.

Too much sausage on here.

We need a strong female lead to fill some space.

(well at least when it comes to 3 weeks out of the month. And JC in a wig doesn't count either. ;) )

[Coop]

Even though y'all act like a bunch of victimized pussies when it comes to the Bush Amdinistration, I have no legitimate gripe with you folks. How can one shame a person who actually admits to spending a Friday night watching C-SPAN? It's impossible. And I've yet to come across another site that provides the right blend of humor, debate, and trashtalk like this one does. Keep up the good work, you fucks.

[Frank]

"Humor, debate and trashtalk". NIce, well done, Coop. We might have a new marketing slogan.

Thanks for reading and interacting, talk at ya later.

[Flash]

This place is a disgrace. Sure, you don't need a Jerry - his biggest contribution was providing an apartment that enabled his friends to mooch, couch, and discuss the excrutiating minutiae of every daily event. Jerry is Typepad.

But where's the Elaine? Where's the female perspective? What, so arrogant as to think you don't need any? Don't fool yourselves, boys. This is a sausage party of epic proportions and that is nothing of which to be proud. You post and you post but I've heard it all before on a thousand different blogs from a thousand different men. I'd ask you to give me something fresh, to think outside the box, but there's only so much a man's brain can do! Is it because you only think with one half of your brains while women think with the whole thing? I suppose it's possible but I'm not one to judge.

Until you realize that the addition of an intelligent, insiteful, and painfully amusing woman is imperative to the success and future of this site, you will continue to hover around 300,000 annual hits. There will be no growth, there will be no advancement, there will only disappointment.

The Airing of Grievances is peaking, gentlemen, and when you fall from grace, I will be here, in all my womanly glory, laughing and making snide comments until your destruction is complete.

[Frank]

Oof! Zak!! Throk!! Pow! Biff!!

If this were a Batman episode, we would have just run in to Catwoman and her henchmen. Blood is pouring out of eye sockets. Arm, twisted behind my back with pressure being applied, is starting to crack. Bowels are starting to loosen.

Flash does some major damage and puts me squarely up against the ropes - I have to give an assist to Johnnie who, to be fair, first hit up the idea of the need for a greater female influence. But he didn't put on one of the crueler beatdowns we've seen in these parts.

Operating on 15% strength...almost...pinned...I can't take...much more

(Seriously, I really want to watch some college football, so somebody finish me off.)

[Johnnie]

I'll be a henchman. I like when a woman is in control.

If ya wanted verbose language, then I wouldda been happy to verbally whoop your ass through this glorious type-key thing.

I will just kick ya in the nuts while your nose bleeds and force bamboo shoots under your finger nails while you are reeling from the bludgeoning.

You wits shouldda known that only a woman with a strong personality wouldda brought you down today. I can't believe you didn't!

Shoot, I opened the door a crack and she came in here and finished ya!

So after the kick in the nuts and the bamboo shoots leave ya at approximately 2% capacity, I will have to do what any guy would do to ya right now.

Sit on you and fart.

You know the brussel sprouts and pasta sauce have been marinating.

That is all.

[Frank]

Uncle.

That's it! Johnnie, you've grossed even me out. You've discovered my secret weakness - being farted upon. A pin at this point is a formality

I crawl meekly back to my hole...the three of you should be proud of yourselves.

[Johnnie]

::does a jig::

::then swiftly runs to the bathroom::

[Cozmo]

Ouch. So much pain. Sorry that I had to work a double at H&H tonight, Frank. I could have helped out against those horrible bullies, Johnnie & Flash.

I guess this is how it must end, though. Festivus is never about clean resolution, but it is about horrific emotional outbursts and gross emotional collapse.

This truly was the best Festivus ever!