THE AOFG FESTIVUS EXTRAVAGANZA - 2005

WE GOTTA LOTTA PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!

Yep - Yep - We are in our second holiday season here at the AofG, and that can mean only one thing - FESTIVUS IS BACK, BABY!!!!  And this year, we are better than ever.  We're giving you more of what you love.  More grievances.  More feats of strength.  Less tinsel.

You know what to do - keep checking this space throughout the day for more Festivus updates (all times EST).

• The Festivus Story - AofG Style
• It's A Festivus Miracle! - The AofG now #1 in your hearts & the hearts of Google! (Whew...that only took 20 months.)  Thanks, readers.
• A Word From Our Founder - Frank's Grievances
• Jackie Chiles Airs Him Some Grievance - Jackie's Grievance
• Cozmo Celebrates The Season - by Airing a Grievance or Eight
• "Quiet - You'll Get Yours In A Minute" - Very special reader grievances by:
  • AB @ The SportsFrog,
  • QWMaine,
  • Scottie,
  • BrianDTW @ The Sportsfrog,
  • MButler,
  • Johnnie,
  • BobbyP,
  • JJ @ The Churning,
  • Mark @ Thou Shall Not Suck,
  • Jerloma,
  • Flash @ Ripe as Peaches,
  • BillCross, 
  • Bucks,
  • Ryan
  • Vegas
  • DSafetyGuy
  • DFS
  • Oracle
  • MemBengal @ The SportsFrog
  • Aaron @ Aaron Talks
  • Will @ Deadspin
  • (email your grievances to festivus1223@gmail.com or post them below. 5:00 is the deadline, we will try to get them up in time for an end of day Festivus Miracle.)
• Strike's Over - It's Another Festivus MIRACLE!
• Dispatches From The Front - Festivus takes over the globe (dispatches throughout the day)
• The Human Fund Award - 2005
• "Quiet - You'll Get Yours In A Minute" (Continued) More reader grievances from
  • Ed Zipper,
  • hkuszak,
  • steveh2,
  • MelvinJones,
  • The AofG Commenting Chorus,
  • JBCool,
  • Soup Nazi
• The Feats of Strength - Costanza Pinned!!
• A Final Holiday Message From the AofG Crew

Festivus is back. 

The AofG is ready. 

Don't Sleep.

Comments

[JJ]

It's a Festivus miracle!

[Scottie]

RSS alerter ready and waiting.

[ddd]

MY airing of girevances:

1. UNIONS. FUCK THEM. This is 2005. This is not the 1900 Robber Barron Days. Unions have outlives thier usefulness and now do more damage than good. (See transit strike)

2. THE YANKEES. Why haven't we won a world series since 2000? We have the best team in baseball EVERY year. Enough already. Bring it home.

3. HOMEROOM. I work in an office that has a morning meeting. It serves no purpose except to get you to work at 9am. I'm an attorney and don't punch a time clock. I'm not a morning person and I just hate homeroom.

4. HOLIDAY TREES. Enough said. Stop the madness.

5. WASHING THE INSIDE OF THE BACK WINDSHIELD OF YOUR CAR. Also, enough said.

6. LITTERING. This is a real pet peeve of mine. I hate people who litter. Put it in a f*ckin trash can.

7. PEOPLE WHO BARGE INTO A SUBWAY CAR BEFORE THEY LET PEOPLE OFF. You know who you are. Stop it now and no one else will get hurt.

8. STUPID PEOPLE. Sadly, you have no idea who you are because you are stupid. I would love it if you would just recognize that you don't have anything inteligent to say and just shut the hell up.

9. RELATIONSHIP GAMES. Enough with women playing these stupid bullshit games. STOP IT!!!! (imagine arnold in kindergarden cop voice) In return, I promise not to play games with you. Deal? Good.

10. NY RADIO. SUCKS. We have the worst radion in the country. No country station. No true hard rock station, no metal station, no true alternative station, no blues station, no opera station, but 7 salsa stations. If I had a car, I would have to get satalite radio.

No doubt there are others, but for now, that suffices. I wish you all a peaceful and merry festivus and happy new new year. And to the founders of this blog: Festivus God Bless you and keep up the ouststanding work in 2006.

[brian]

Let it flow...

The company who did my roof. I gotta lotta problems with you! First, they tell me it'll be done in 2-3 weeks. I wait patiently for 5 weeks without hearing from them. I call the contractor and he tells me "real soon, brian. It'll be really soon." Great. One week later: nothing. A message with the secretary is not returned. Two days later, I get a response to another phone-call. "The crew doing your house is working on this project, then you're up next. 4 days, and that's it."

Eleven days later: nothing. Two phone-calls later I am yelling a 15-minute elementary business lesson at the contractor. Finally get some service the following monday with a "sorry for the inconvenience" from the owner of the company.

And guess who calls me everyday for the past 2 weeks looking for a payment? You'll have it for sure. 2-3 weeks, for sure. I think taking a black marker to the invoice may be in order for this one. As a small victory, the contractor's voice gets more and more despondent with every voice-mail he leaves me. It's cute.

BELL Canada....

How does it take 2 months to do a 5 minute job in a highly populated area in which you don't even need to make a house-call; just flip a switch!! Why did i need to make 7 phone-calls to get someone who knows what the fuck they're talking about to actually get me service?!

OntarioDSL....

can we keep me connected for more than 10 hours at a time? please? i am not paying for the probability of a connection. i have large copyrighted materials to download! goodbye!

Banks...

why do i get charged $1.50 immediately if I use another bank's ATM to withdrawal money and then ANOTHER $1.50 comes outta my account at the end of the month? Thanks for the double-fuck!

People who aimlessly take up space at the gym. I'm sure you and your buddy have a lot to talk about while not lifting, sitting on the benches, and checking yourselves out in the mirror (no, you muscle hasn't grown in the past five minutes in which you have done nothing). Could you do it somewhere else, please? I've got the feats of strength to get ready for! While i'm at it...why does a gym have a coffee table and chairs in it?! And could we please fix the leaky roof above the open area where we train? It's hard to see those tiny puddles; it's fucking dangerous!

People at work who see me sitting and reading who think i'm lazy when i'm really just well organaized. sorry if you haven't a clue what you're doing, but i'm on top of my shit and earned the right to sit around reading. let's add to that people who never show up to work (usually the same people mentioned just above) and create a burden on the rest of us; fuck the HR department that does nothing to correct this problem!

i'm tapped. though i have some errands to run today. i'm sure there'll be abour 40 more by the time i get home again.

hope you're all enjoying your Festivus! good luck in the Feats!!!!

[Bieling3]

I have to agree with Mark of Thou shalt not suck. "Every single conservative blogger, commenter, pundit and talk show host." What is wrong with these people, over an over they are disproved wrong, and yet the mainstream media airs there crap. Everytime their stuff gets debunked, they just move on to the next lie. It gets so you spend so much time proveing they lied, that in the meantime the sheeple have swallowed every bit, hook line and sinker.

[briandtw]

Where's Shoes' grievances? Those oughta be good for a laugh or two.

[Coop]

A few of my grievances:

1. The "D" and the "Fence" signs. Enough already. That was funny for about .5 seconds many years ago. Let it go. Nobody wants to see your stupid mug on TV. And more importantly, nobody wants to try to watch the game through the cardboard pickets that you actually took time out of your miserable life to craft. There should be a special job at stadium entrances. The job would entail confiscating the signs and punching the sign-carrier in the face before he/she could enter.

2. Adults who wear baseball gloves to the game, but aren't with any children. Seriously, are your little digits that fragile? Or do you still hold out hope in that fantasy world of yours that the home team might mysteriously run out of players and need an emergency fill-in? Anyway, when football's over, the "D-Fence" sign bouncers can work these jokers as well.

3. Couples that work out together at the gym. I'm not even talking about when the couple's just at the gym at the same time wherein the dude's lifting weights and the broad is in aerobics class. That's lame enough. No, I'm talking about the couple that actually collaborates in a regimen. Cut the cord for two seconds, so maybe you won't wonder why your kids all have separation anxiety a few years down the road.

4. Kerry-Edwards signs. Yes, you hate the President, we get it. But you lost. You can take the sign down now. You don't matter until 2008 anyway, so save your energy.

5. "W The President" stickers. Yes, you love the President, we get it. And you won (somehow). You can take the sticker off now. With its fuckin Calvin Klein-J Crew pseudo-stylishness. Which really echoes his demeanor.

6. Jared from Subway. I know this may seem outdated, but in my neighborhood Subways are popping up like nipples in winter. So everytime I have to see that yellow awning, I have to be reminded that some douchbag from Indiana is still cashing in because he came to the conclusion that not inhaling tubs of Crisco every hour will make you thinner -- and get this -- healthier, too.

[Coop]

"Where's Shoes' grievances? Those oughta be good for a laugh or two."

I think I can guess at least one of them. (Hint: It has something to do with an old Charleton Heston movie)

[Bobby P]

Feck all y'all. Happy festivus~

[bc3412]

I gotta lot of problems with people who use big words to try to make themselves seem smarter than they are. Especially people who misuse those words and allow everyone to see them for the frauds they truly are.

[BillCross]

Remember Festivus won't end untile somebody pins Frank, maybe Howard in NYC can step up on this one.

[hkuszak]

wonder if the mightymjd has any grievances...

[Cozmo]

We also wondered that, hk. MJD, if you are outthere, the floor is yours when you want it.

[Dave]

I'm late to the game, but it's still Festivus, so I'm taking part.

I've got a lot of problems with you people!

But I'm singling out modern parents. What the hell is wrong with you? You all bitch about the quality of public schools and wonder why Johnnie can't read, but while you're complaining, Johnnie (and little sis Suzie) are sitting in the "play" room watching their fifth consecutive hour of the Cartoon Network.

Yeah, you tell yourself that you just let them watch a little bit so that you can get things done - you know, for them - but really you do it all the time. If you suggest that they turn it off, they whine, so you cave immediately. Eventually, you just stopped caring.

Johnnie can't read because he's never read to. There's not a kid's book in your house except for those thinly veiled ads for Bob the Builder and Dora the Explorer.

And then when Johnnie grows up, you decide to be the cool parent. Your parents were all tough and mean and dammit, you want to be liked by your kids. So you let them do whatever they want. You pay their $130 a month cell phone bill, but you have no idea who their friends are or what they are doing with them.

I hope you really like being your kids' friends instead of their parents, because if they can avoid going to jail, they're going to be living with you for a loooong time.

[JJ]

These people are taking Festivus very seriously.

[puddy]

Dave,

Righteous stuff, man. Agree 100%. One thing is sacred in my house and that is reading. WE don't always get a story every night, but some days we get 10. You can tell so much difference in children who are read to and not.

We have our share of the dora and bob books, but they are far outnumbered by books without the agenda. My oldest (who is really starting to read a lot herself) got many books this christmas.

Again, nice rant.

[Jenny]

It is great to see that others celebrate Festivus. Its for the rest of us. Most people do not know about Festivus. Go here www.whatisfestivus.com for information about Festivus. Let the Airing of Grievances begin!

Happy Festivus to all!

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