I'm going to tell a short story about the secret downside to getting a hummer from a woman you meet at a bar, in an effort to perk this place back up. (No offense Mr. Kruger, that kid getting the hell out of the way of that car was pretty sweet. But it was Turkey, and the only kind I like is the shit that puts me to sleep while watching the Lions).
I witnessed a friend of mine a few days ago just go out and get unrecognizably shitfaced. He had good reason to. His old lady dumped him for another guy and he found out by virtue of a wayward, empty 3-pack of Magnum condoms on top of the trash and I when he told me that, after I spit Bell's Oberon all over me, I half expected him to say he then answered the door to find a permed dude saying, "I'm here for the gang bang?"
Anyway, my friend, prior to dating this whore woman, could pull the wool. I was his wing man quite often, and I refined my skills of deflecting fat satellite wiffle pigs away from him while he liquid narcolepsy-ed his way into yet another pair of panties.
In light of his recent relationship failures, he thought he'd like to grudge fuck his way through it by running roughshod over a skank or two. Needless to say, I was down.
After a few hours and 10 shots at the bar, this cat has whittled his prey down to one, and she had one friend that took an obvious interest in me, presumably because I have all my teeth and don't quote Larry The Cable Guy as part of my repertoire. Easy pickins for ol' buddy then. He managed to get plastered with her, convince her to go home with him and most assuredly, poured the coal to her like the ghost of the Edmund Fitzgerald would to Cleveland after a long, long wait.
(Side Note for those that care: I did not get laid. I was somewhat sober and despite enduring my longest drought in recent history, was not about to do anything with that "Tales From The Crypt" beast.)
(The following is based on his side of the story and might be bullshit): This woman was a freak and when they returned to his place, she immediately tore off his pants and started in with a sloppy BJ. However, in the middle of it, she passed out while he, uhh...continued in a "sleep creep" kind of way, finished, wiped the "residue" with her shirt and passed out himself.
When he woke up, he noticed that she was gross and there was piss all over his bed, and he freaked out, yelled at her for pissing his bed and told her to get the fuck out of his house.
She claimed that she didn't piss the bed, that he had to have done it himself, to which he wanted no part of that excuse, threw her "stained" shirt at her and threw her out.
And now he was calling me, wondering what happened. I'll tell you what happened. I pissed myself from laughing so hard, that's what happened. He admits he did it himself but was afraid of that awkward morning after stuff. But he wasn't afraid of that awkward "I think I'll hump her mouth for a bit because it's, well, there" stuff. Hmm.
The question I am asking though is, "Is that shit even worth it? Is getting back at your ex so necessary that you'll defile your mattress after picking up some poor hefty bag of a woman and abusing her so?"
I say no. But what do I know? Certianly not any woman that would do such a thing (allegedly).
There was no point to this story other than to just say that my friend is rethinking his ways of retaliation to include things like "moving on" and not buying a bag of flour to throw on his fat ass and some other poor voluptuous beast in order to find the wet spot. That and this post did not mention one thing about Manny Ramirez, the POTUS and cock pills.
Until now.
